November 25, 2014
My Bi Sisters,

There have been times in my life when I have asked myself  “Why did __, __, __, and ___, assault me?  What was it about ME that made THEM decide to hurt me and traumatize me for life. Didn’t they know that I would be left with PTSD: random flashbacks, intrusive unpleasant thoughts, nightmares, dissociative episodes, social anxiety, have an increase of triggers, spend money on professional therapy, and devote a lot of time to reading self-help books at the library!

I would look and question my outside appearance, my personality, my expressive body language, my fashion sense or nonsense, my hairstyles: my puffy afro, geometrical patterns in my braids or the colorful yarn in my locs.Then I would imagine what the predator(s) saw in me. The thought process I did above was unhealthy. I did nothing wrong! You did nothing wrong!

"Abusers don’t necessarily make children different, but rather, they are diabolically gifted at detecting difference, often before the child can see it in him or herself.” - Charles Blow

Abusers, rapists, predators, assaulters, and takers have highly developed skill sets to detect those who are deemed "different” from the “norm.” The “different” person could be a shy quiet 5 yr old Black girl in Boston, a Restavek girl child slave in Haiti, a 45 yr old Nanny in Trinidad, an intoxicated White woman at an IVY league college, a Sri Lankan woman walking down the street alone in the middle of a crowded market space, a BiTrans Brown Latina woman waiting at the bus stop on her way to work, or even an elderly Vietnamese woman at her day program-nursing home waiting for her family to come visit. The predator seeks “difference”; they seek to either correct, concur, seek temporary pleasure for their own internal insecurities, or are repeating unhealthy learned patriarchal misogynistic toxic behaviors.

Bi women are different. We are not binary, we don’t fit into rigid boxes. We have the capacity to love beyond gender and sex. We embrace and celebrate gender differences. We come in various shades of espresso, chocolate, caramel, and vanilla. We are not just Black and White; we are all that and in between. We connect with a person’s essence and energy. We cross boundaries. We are in the middle. We are the spectrum.

“…women of color who are working on these issues usually do not become active members of existing trauma related peer networks. The racism and white privilege in these networks keep you invisible and unleash guilt-laced anger on anyone who points out any racial inequity."  - Deborah Romero

When we survivors are ready, we will seek community and will find one another. Part of the trauma recovery process is letting go of asking ourselves "why me?”, self-blame, and moving towards integrating the trauma into part of the story of your life.  With time, seeking professional support, practicing self-care, and receiving welcoming solidarity with Bi Women Support Network http://biwomensupport.tumblr.com/, Bisexual Women of Color (BIWOC) biwoc.tumbr.com, Bisexual Resource Center http://biresourcecenter.tumblr.com/ and many other bi support groups on tumblr and facebook, you will connect with other bi sisters who will be able to give you the tender hugs and comfort you deserve.

In kindness,

gwendolynwriter

Resources:

Charles Blow. Up from Pain. New York Times. September, 19, 2014 2014. http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/21/opinion/sunday/charles-blow-up-from-pain.html?module=Search&_r=0

Deborah Romero. Breaking Our Silence So We Can Heal: Women of Color and Trauma Recovery. Black Girl Dangerous. Blog Post. November, 4, 2014. http://www.blackgirldangerous.org/2014/11/breaking-silence-can-heal-women-color-trauma-recovery/

Copyright © Gwendolyn Fougy Henry, EdM, MSLIS. All rights reserved.