Excuse me?! Starbucks announced a special new Frappuccino today?! And it's unicorn-themed? EXCUSE ME?!
What did we do to deserve this? Isn't the present perilous enough? Aren't I stressed enough? Isn't my T-zone dry enough? Why are they unleashing this on us? Starbucks says it's a "sweet but pleasantly sour spectacle." That's not a thing. That's not a way to describe a beverage. At best, it's a description of a very competent revival of She Loves Me. Is this Frappuccino She Loves Me ? Is it? Does this beverage feature a scene-stealing turn by the superlative Gavin Creel? Well?!
The audacity of this beverage is astounding. I walked into my local Starbucks, saw a sign that read "Made with the finest rainbows" and just started screaming. This is a sign that exists in reality?! Not on my watch. What's the calorie count on rainbows, ma'am? I'm on a weird diet that I have no problem telling literally everyone about and so I can't just be eating any old thing. Do rainbows have lactose? This is horrifying. Call the police.
Why, in this the year of our Lord, 2017, is everything being made into a unicorn? With all that's happening in the world, why are unicorns having a moment? We as a society need to choose a narrative: are we living in a Lisa Frank catalog or a Walking Dead/House of Cards crossover?
Unicorns are everywhere. They are inescapable. Honestly I'm having a lot of conflicted feelings about it. For instance, what are the qualities of a unicorn? Somehow they became associated with rainbows? And glitter sometimes? Was there a conference. (PS, I am sure there is actually a conference.) I thought we'd reached peak unicorn when one showed up pooping on camera in that Squatty Potty commercial that resulted in you talking with literally everyone you know about bowel movements. Haven't we suffered enough? Haven't we talked about poop enough? And why is this happening now? Is it unicorn day? Or is it just a Wednesday and everyone at Starbucks just came back from one of those retreats where the group leader pumps you up to try out the impossible and shoot for the stars and that works great for about a week until everyone in your office realizes that trampoline desks and answering the phone "LET'S MAKE MAGIC" aren't workable business models?
This idea is wild. Like, trampoline desk wild.
(That's art, by the way. That picture is art. So deal with it. Deal with that art in your life right now.)
The Unicorn Frappuccino is a purple beverage with an electric blue swirl, topped with whipped cream and blue and purple sugar sprinkles. I think when you mix it it's supposed to change colors and flavors. Also, the blue swirl will change shape to look like your grandfather mowing the lawn. Super weird. But helpful if you have unresolved issues of any sort. Best to drink the new Unicorn Frappuccino in the presence of a psychiatrist. However, if your healthcare doesn't cover that, all of the baristas have also received Rorschach training.
When my barista, who reminded very much of my estranged aunt, handed me the drink, she told me it was supposed to taste like mango. "Oh! Not rainbows?" I asked. This was her:
Gotcha! How dare you?! Also, why did you steal my inheritance?
Anyway, I don't know if I was doing it wrong or what but it just kind of tasted like Starburst to me. No, sorry, correction: it tasted like all of the stars burst. It's a big ole sugar bomb, so if that's how you get down, go for it. Slam it to the left if you're having a good time, as they say.
The Frappuccinno will only be around for a week because unicorn mating season starts so early now with climate change, of course. After that, it's back to Rainbow Village or Sparkle Mountain or whatever thing we're just accepting in reality today.
A Unicorn Frappuccino! I mean, really.
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