3 Tips To Being Honest Without Being Hurtful

We are all familiar with the phrase "the truth hurts." But does it really have to?

Is there a way to broach a difficult topic with someone that lessens the blow, while still creating a positive outcome?

Can you achieve a balance between sensitivity and compassion, with frankness and clarity.

These three simple tips will help you to do just that.

What Is Your Motive?

When it comes to decision-making, are you familiar with the H-A-L-T rule?

Quite simply, it reflects the belief that you should never make an important decision when you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

Before you actually talk with someone about a sensitive subject, H-A-L-T and determine why you are doing it?

If for example, you are angry with them for something they did, you are likely going to come across as hostile, blunt and emotional. Their reaction to such a scenario is likely to be defensive and mirror yours.

I am not suggesting that you may not have the right to be angry at their actions. What I am saying is that rather than reacting from that anger - within which your true message will be lost, take a step back and breath.

Think about what they did and why it affected you in the manner it did, and then wait for a calmer, less incendiary moment to share your feelings. 

Chances are, the other person was likely not aware that their actions would have such an effect on you.

This same approach applies in all circumstances, whether you are offering advice or reviewing someone's performance. Always double check your motives, and then wait for an opportunity in which there will be no distractions or lingering emotional hangovers. 

How You Say It

It is not what you say, but how you say it that matters most.

I have always believed this, because it is easy for your words and their true meaning to get lost in the tone of your voice or the overtures of your body language.

When you are going to talk with someone about a sensitive topic that may cause hurt or create a situation for a possible bad reaction, you can minimize the impact in a number of ways.

To start, sit beside them, as opposed to addressing them from behind your desk or from the opposite side of the boardroom table. In this way, you will remove any perceived barriers and thus avoid putting them in a subordinate position. You in essence are talking with them as a friend and confidante, who's only interest is to help them.

When you speak with them, don't use accusatory words such as "you did something wrong." If you do, you will come across as being judgmental, and any useful advice you may have to offer, will fall on defensively deaf ears.

Instead, open the conversation with words such as "I believe there is an issue that we need to address together." This collaborative approach puts you in a position of being on their team, as well as establishes you as a possible solution source. Remember, when someone hears difficult news, they usually need to feel a sense of understanding, friendship and safety.

Your Follow-Up

It is human nature to want to put an unpleasant or difficult experience behind you.

After you have given someone honest advice that was difficult to do and caused pain, your natural inclination may be to simply move on. In other words, you faced a tough situation and did your best, what else is there to do?

The funny thing about words and advice in general, is that while the story has ended for you, it is just beginning for the other person.

Over the coming days and weeks after your conversation with them, they are going to be experiencing a number of emotions. While everyone will react differently, to varying degrees most will likely experience sadness, guilt, anger and even a loss of self-confidence.

This is why it is important that you follow-up with them to see how they are doing and what, if anything, they have been able to take away from your discussion.

It is also important to remember that you are there for them. This means that if they are not ready to talk with you, then respect their wishes. Conversely, if they have a need to talk or, you sense that they are angry or hurt, ask them if they would like to get together over a coffee offsite.

If they do, during which time they vent, or defend their actions, go into listening mode and do not get drawn into an argument. Simply listen and when they are done, thank them for sharing their feelings and indicate that you will think about what they had said. This should be their cue to also take a step back, and reflect further on your original discussion.

After all, it is not about you being right and their being wrong. It is about creating the atmosphere for an open and honest dialogue. This is why understanding your motives for talking to them in the first place, is so important.

Losing A Friend, But Making A Difference

Someone once told me about how, after offering advice to a friend on a very sensitive subject, the person never spoke to them again.

Losing the friendship was not easy. However, what lessened the blow was the fact that the former friend actually took the advice and realized tremendous benefits as a result of the suggested changes.

The person offering the advice told me that they took solace from this knowledge, because their words, while causing pain and ruining the friendship, ended up having a positive impact on the other's life.

That they said, is something with which they could live. 

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