Facebook is turning ten and for millions around the world (Facebook has 1.24 billion monthly users), it’s hard to imagine life without it.
But while Facebook has enabled us to become more connected across geographic, cultural and generational divides, it’s also left many people, particularly the young, feeling more disconnected. A study by the American Sociological Association found that the number of people saying that there is no one with whom they can discuss important matters nearly tripled over the last two decades. About 48 percent of respondents only had one confidant compared to a similar study 25 years ago, when people said they had about three people they could confide in.
Don't get me wrong. I love Facebook (and other social media that have followed it’s blazing trail of success). Having lived around the world, I love how easily I can keep up with my friends on the far side of the globe and share the events that mark the progress of our lives. My global 'Courage Community' on Facebook also allows me to help people I'll likely never meet live and lead with greater courage. But as useful as Facebook can be in doing everything from rallying people behind social change to sharing to baby photos with faraway friends, it’s vital to not become reliant on it to do things it can't.
Research by the International Center for Media & Public Agenda (ICMPA) looked into the habits of social media users and revealed that as people invest time building ever more expansive social networks online, the quality of their offline networks and relationships diminishes. The reason is simple: Nothing can ever replace the good old fashioned in-person conversations -- where we cannot hide behind our screens and devices -- in building truly meaningful rewarding and sustaining genuine (and often less than picture perfect) relationships.
Social networks appeal to our vanity and play to our vulnerability. They quickly seduce us, leaving us addicted to the hit of instant gratification we get when someone likes our pithy update, retweets our brilliance, or reposts our enhanced pic. But, alas, like any addiction, no matter how many likes we get, the high is quickly outlived and we are forced to head back for another round of posts and likes and follower counts. It's a vicious cycle.
The problem is multi-fold. The time we spend socializing online not only discourages face-to-face communication, but it also undermines our confidence at engaging in real conversations with real people about the real problems and issues that thread through our lives. Indeed, social networking provides a means of escape, an easy out on having to confront those parts of our lives we wish were different; more glamorous, and less mundane. In one study, Ph.D. student Sergei Golitsinski, member of the International Center for Media & Public Agenda (ICMPA) at the University of Maryland, was shocked to see, "how many students around the world wrote that going without media not only severed their connections to their friends, but challenged their sense of self."
Online websites promise avatars that will allow us to admire our bodies, love our lives, and have a dream romance in all fifty shades of grey. But at what cost to our real life -- our marriage, body, finances, work, and friendships -- when we log off and are confronted with the reality of our lives? Just as the most mesmerizing avatars cannot compensate for what's missing in real life, nor can an online social network ever replace a real one (and yes, that’s tweetable!)
Social media can also breed cowardice. Sitting safely behind our screens fuels a sense of bravado and gives us false courage to say things online we would never have the guts to say in person. It also provides an all-too-convenient means of hiding behind playing "pretend" and avoiding harsh realities in our lives. During times we most need to be courageous, social media makes it so easy to be a coward. In fact, as you read this now, millions of people are "connecting" and socializing with people they may never meet in person, all while they fail to make eye contact, much less engage in conversation, with people only a few steps away, or sitting right beside them. The former are "safe" and enable us to show only as much as we want. On the other hand, those right around us make us feel vulnerable, leaving us nowhere to hide -- without any means to "auto-enhance" the image we want them to see.
For the record, Facebook does NOT make us lonely. We make ourselves lonely. Likewise, we get to decide how to use our devices, not the other way around. As technology infiltrates our homes and reshapes our lives, we must become more disciplined in turning off our devices and stepping out from behind our screens, and more deliberate in tuning into the people right around us and building offline networks. Yes, that will at times make us feel vulnerable. And yes, it will require embracing the awkwardness that can come with face to face interaction. But by laying down the digitally designed masks we can so easily hide behind, and revealing with is really going on in our less than picture-perfect lives, it will also enable us to create truly meaningful, and deeply fulfilling relationships. Will that take courage? Of course it will. But then again, what worthwhile endeavor doesn't?
Margie Warrell is a bestselling author of Stop Playing Safe and Find Your Courage, keynote speaker and media commentator. To watch Margie in a TV interview discussing this topic click here.
Stay connected with Margie on Facebook, Twitter, Linked In or head over to her website for free 'courage-building' resources www.margiewarrell.com.
