Hogwarts Sex Ed Would Be Just as Awkward as Muggle Sex Ed
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Come on, admit it: we've all been curious about the sex lives of the witches and wizards in the wizarding world of Harry Potter. How much magic is involved? How does birth control work? And what would it be like if Hogwarts had a sex ed class? Thankfully, we have an answer to this last question as it was posed by Reddit user saturfia in the r/WritingPrompts subreddit that states: "Hogwarts holds mandatory sex education class with Ministry-approved curriculum. Prof. McGonagall will teach the girls. Prof. Snape will teach the boys." There are some highly amusing responses, including this tip from McGonagall: "Remember, you must check the packaging to make sure that the condom has not passed its use-by date, make sure that there is a little bit of air in the package, and also make sure that it does not carry the Dark Mark. If the packet does have a Dark Mark present, you are not to use the condom, and you are to alert a senior staff member immediately." But Reddit user dingo8muhbabies clearly won the writing challenge, with a hilarious — and inappropriate — story we can only imagine would have J.K. Rowling chuckling. Get the story below, and check out the thread for even more magical sex ed stories.
"The great hall sat in stunned silence as Dumbledore made the announcement. The Weasley twins had been suspended for two whole weeks after their 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes' dissolving condoms had resulted in Professor Snape having to brew a very controversial potion for two fifth year girls in Hufflepuff.
Snape and McGonagall were going to be teaching sex ed. Ron and Ginny were both extremely red faced, and Harry later found out that this was because Mr and Mrs Weasley had been asked to help the ministry put together the course material. He supposed that after seven children, they were fairly well practiced. He then shuddered at the thought.
As they made their way down to the dungeons, Harry was hoping that the room would be filled with dementors and Lord Voldemort instead, but Snape was right where he always was, wearing an expression that made him look as he had just swallowed a pineapple whole.
'Sit.' He snapped. 'I don't like this any more than you do, but given that your schoolmates struggled to keep their genitals to themselves we might as well get this over and done with.' With a look of disdain, Snape did exactly as the ministry notes suggested and had them all write a question that they had so that they could be answered anonymously.
'Longbottom! You were not meant to write your name you foolish boy! But in answer to your question you must not use an engorgement charm on your private area or you may risk permanent damage.' The class burst out laughing and Neville ran out of the room immediately. 'No great loss, unless he finds a charm to impregnate his left hand I daresay he'll never need to know any of this' Snape said snidely.
The rest of the lesson was done as quickly and as properly as possible. They discussed contraception charms, wizarding STIs (much worse than muggle ones; exploding blisters, green and orange rashes) and options for unwanted pregnancies. Seamus received a detention for a very poor taste 'fetus deletus' joke.
As Harry and Ron left the class they were incredibly relieved that the worst was over. Or at least that's what they thought. Unbelieveably, Hermione seemed to be incredibly excited and they could barely say hello before Hermione started telling them all about the girls lesson.
'That was so informative! Did you know that witches can store their menstrual blood to use in fertility potions? Oh! And Professor McGonagall was telling us about protection charms that you can put onto your vulva so that anything that enters you without your consent will turn black and shrivel up.' They boys grimaced and hoped they got to land a muggle girl their first time instead."