Lucie Kout

Art as a path to self-acceptance

12. August 2017

Life can be ruff. It may be twice as hard to an intuitive introverts. And yes, I am the one. I do not consider my life harder than others. It’s just the way how my brain process stuff and I must admit it’s not making it any easier now when I am in my mid 30’s.

I should be photographing Iceland by now but I am not. Somehow I felt I needed time for myself. To spend few weeks alone instead of being social with friends, sleeping in a tent and it appeared to be the best idea ever. I so much needed “me time”. Walking my dogs with an empty head, creating art, trying to understand where am I rushing to when there is no reason to rush at all. So I stayed in country and been thinking why I suddenly feel so great without too much social interaction and found out few interesting facts about me that I never thought of before. Yup, this is going to be about me, myself and I.

I am an introvert. I get drained when I am in between large group of people. This trip would be everything but not rest. I am intuitive… always knew that, but never gave it a name. I am emotive although I get described as a very calm and stoic person. But I have two sides and they are both me. One for outer world and one for me and close ones. Perhaps you might think outer shell is fake but it’s not. It’s the way how I handle world towards my fragile core. I do not show much emotions and to common people it may sound weird because they only get knowing this shell of mine from outside. I usually do not talk everything what comes to my mind. I keep my inner world private and mostly even from my nearest people. I live in a dreamy world and desperately needed to feel okay. What a brilliant idea I had. Giving myself limited amounts od social interaction gave me a space to regenerate from past rush and to re-think what I want and how to make my life less stressful.

Necklace – Jewelry by Adrianet

I feel good by this moment. I work everyday a bit. Not too much but not too little. Found it to be more effective than giving myself impossible deadlines. And I give myself plenty time to read books, watch movies, spend it with my two dogs now and suddenly it feels like my batteries are charging. I do not procrastinate because I have a time to recover. Oh my, why didn’t I see it before? I was so busy with fulfilling expectance I had of myself. I genuinely forced myself to create and lately realized I am not enjoying working as much as I could and should to be in balance with rest of the world.

So I stepped back… I need creating art as a way to express my feelings whom I have plenty. This is my way to interact with outer world. I am shy, let’s say… Not really good when speaking my emotions. I’d rather paint it, write it, photograph it, etc. I am bouncing between need to express and tension to hide. That’s simply me. Art saved me somehow. Been trying doing it ever since. Intuitively and it was always the most true and correct version of me. Creation let me to have a space to run dreamy worlds, unicorns, stars, moon and rainbows. And by luck of social networks people started responding to me. By liking and appreciating what I did. I found support I rarely had before (there were very few close people who always supported me no matter what). It all started because of tension to releasing inner pressure but suddenly it pleased others as an unexpected side effect. That was nice! And by time I developed a trust to my intuition and accepted myself as who I am. I am quite moody, thinking too much, taking everything a bit too personaly. But what the heck? I found out it’s me, with my good and bad twists. The only person I need to please is myself. And my clients potentially. I will continue to be depressive, melancholic and moody but somehow it makes what creates art in me. My swings are neverending source of an inspiration. I will not change into extrovert but when I feel safe, I love to be social with selected people.

Creating is spending time with me in my dream world and I am happy to share it with everyone whoever needs it. I do not say it’s something different than that. Instead of existing in over crowded areas, I like to be hidden and doing something neat. I so much enjoy doing that. It seems crazy it took me so long to accept myself but without public interaction I would hardly raise a self confidence to trust my intuition and started enjoying percieving life by itself. I do love what I do. I am happy when clients give me their trust to connect our worlds. I am happy to show things differently. I am always like a child with it’s new LEGO set feeling amazed of how many great things I can build with it. I am happy to be idealist… not seeking for perfection but creating one by myself. Life has so many colors and I simply have the preference in black, white and whole palette of grays :).

I am happy to be me in my world and I will welcome you in it if you would like.

Lucie