Welcome back to another installment of the best thing you’ve ever read. That’s right, the Kenyon Zodiac is here to inspire you, to connect you to your place in the universe, to make you a better person. But that’s not enough. It’s time to step it up. This round, not only are we telling you what your sign is as ~*Housing on Campus*~ we’re here to offer you a little sage advice for the week ahead. Nuggets of wisdom. Two cents. Mercury is out of retrograde and so it’s time to get our lives back on track. Buckle up.

Aries- Old K. You’re well-known, lovable, and a hot mess. A triple threat!

This week: Watch out for spiders. I don’t know what you did but it really upset them.

Taurus- NCA’s. You’re nice and people love spending time around you. Stop bragging. 

This week: If you walk through the Gates of Hell at exactly 2:32 pm on Thursday there’s a good chance you will burst into flames.

Gemini- Temporarily homeless (sexiled). Sorry, you live nowhere at the moment. At least the lounge is comfy, right? 

This week: You know that feeling when you’re drinking water and it kinda goes down to wrong pipe and you start choking for no reason? That’s what will happen to anyone who makes eye contact with you.

Cancer- Bushnell/Manning. Patient and loving, you’re always there for others when shit gets weird. 

This week: Stop yelling!

Leo- Freshman quad. Tons of people have fond memories with you. You’re outgoing and full of nervous energy. 

This week: Don’t worry, that rash is gonna go away.

Virgo- Watson. Quiet and interesting, you have your life together. You know how to take care of yourself and are admired for that.

This week: I know you haven’t done anything wrong but you should probably apologize to Jeffrey just to be safe.

Libra- Farr. You love being in the center of things! You’re easy going and sociable, a little bit of a stoner with a cool vibe. 

This week: That pen the girl loaned you? Keep it; it’s a clue! 

Scorpio- The Farm. You’re hardworking and mysterious with a great sense of humor. You also really like eggs. 

This week: Avoid the Comfort station AT ALL COSTS!!!

Sagittarius- Mather. You’re a mixed bag. Bag of what? No one really knows. 

This week: You’re going to be really tempted to rewatch the 2002 live-action “Scooby-Doo” movie starring Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Follow your instincts.

Capricorn- New Apts. While you can be distant at times, you have a good sense of humor about yourself and are more charming than people give you credit for. 

This week: It’s probably best if you can fit around 2-5 cartwheels into your schedule.

Aquarius- Caples. You’re friendly and loyal with a wacky reputation. Who cares, you have an elevator. 

This week: You should probably buy some of those contacts that turn your eyes black and see who your true friends are.

Pisces- McBride. Anything can happen when you’re around Pisces. You’re a wild one. 

This week: If you stand underneath the Upside Down Tree and scream loud enough your wishes will come true!