The Tyranny of Tradition

Half donkey, half zebra, half Danzig and all parts fuzzy and adorable.  Lucifuge Anzalone, the foal of a male zebra, a female donkey and metal vocalist Glenn Danzig, was reported to be in good health after, just a few days after being born on an island in the South Pacific.  The new species, referred to as a Danzonkey, is not only cute and cuddly, but has a rich, soulful voice reminiscent of Roy Orbison.

The story of Lucifuge’s birth reads like something out of a gothic horror novel.  About nine months ago, Danzig was on a cruise of Southeast Asia when his boat capsized killing all 308 passengers.  Danzig was feared dead, but managed to hold his breath underwater for 6 days while freeing himself from the hull of the boat.  He then swam 300 miles to a remote island near Borneo.

There he encountered Dr. Josef Moreau, a 108-year-old once renowned German scientist who had worked on The Manhattan Project and had been responsible for the creation of DDT.  Moreau had been banished to the island back in 1999 after his controversial creation, a 700,000 pound hybrid of a tuna, a Chihuahua and comedian Jerry Lewis, attacked the city of Tokyo.

At first, Danzig and Moreau struck up a friendship, bonding over their interest in the occult roots of Nazism and one of the lost books of the Bible where Jesus makes clay statues come to life and attack the city of Nazareth.  However, Danzig realized that there was a problem one morning when he found himself drugged, strapped to an operating table and robbed of his male essence.

Later in the evening, he was able to break free of his cage, get his hands on a ham radio and call in a drone air strike that killed Moreau and most of the other beasts that inhabited the island.  However, one of Moreau’s henchmen, a half-human, half-goat named Cupcake, took the female donkey that had been made pregnant with Danzig and a zebra and hid in a cave for months.

Cupcake called the US Department of Defense early on Tuesday in order to sell the recently born Danzonkey, which is reported to have telepathic powers the military hopes to weaponize, for 120 million dollars.  Lucifuge is currently staying in at a secret CIA base in Poland along with a team of scientists and shape shifting telekinetics.  Meanwhile, according to top government officials, Danzig will not be able to gain custody of the Danzonkey, but will retain the right to visit him on weekends and take him to an occasional ballgame or the zoo.