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Brian Moore's all-time greatest touring XV

The following team is picked solely on the basis of the respective players’ qualities as a tourist; it has nothing to do with their rugby talent. It is also picked with balance in mind, as I wouldn’t want to tour with 15 maniacs; well, not unless I wanted to bear the ever-present risk of arrest, injury or scandal. Inevitably, it is England-centric because I toured more often with England players and know them better. No player was considered if he didn’t have the requisite sense of humour, whether overt or covert, or the ability to take and give in equal measure – for me a defining characteristic of what makes a good tourist. Some of the names might surprise readers and won’t be familiar, but they are worth looking up because they are extraordinary men, even if they didn’t hit the heights of international stardom. There are literally scores of other players who could have made the team and who were brilliant tourists. I rewrote the team numerous times but could pick only 15 men; so, to those who did not make the line-up, I apologise for their omission. What Goes on Tour Stays On Tour, by Brian Moore is available from November 6
No 15: Marcus Rose A non-drinker with a fantastically rounded mind and dry wit, and a super orator. Picture: REX FEATURES Credit: REX FEATURES
No 14: Mark Bailey Listed his hobbies in the England Students tour to Japan as: Medieval Suffolk villages, and Del Shannon. A former Cambridge don and now High Master of St Paul’s School. The best character witness ever to take the stand, he had the rare ability to make testimony fun, plausible but eventually damning. Picture: REX FEATURES Credit: REX FEATURES
No 13: Brendan Mullin An Irish scholar and an exceptionally bright and interesting man; little more needs to be said. Also the man who gave me the considerable comfort that my failure to finish James Joyce’s Ulysses was not down to my dullness but because it is, in fact, ‘total b------s’. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 12: Fran Clough A perpetually combative character who wouldn’t shrink from what needed to be said. The nemesis of Mark Bailey, he once hammered on the toilet cubicle which Bailey was occupying, saying, ‘How f------ long are you going to be in there? What are you doing, committing your thoughts to paper?’ Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 11: Rory Underwood Teetotal and an immensely likeable man who would do all the quiet organising work in the background and be happy to do so; a rare but essential breed. Picture: REX Credit: REX
No 10: Micky Quinn (right) Another non-drinker, and thank God he was because God knows what he would have been like when inebriated. Possessed of an almost preternatural sense of infectious optimism and fun, Quinny would make the dark times less dark and keep them short. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 9: Robert Jones Rooming with Rob was never, for one second, anything other than remarkable – that’s all I want to/can say. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 1: Jason Leonard The untidiest room-mate I ever encountered but another man with a contagiously bright outlook – oh, and he could probably outdrink most of the players on the planet. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 2: Me An uneven, cynical and sometimes over-intense character – I get in because it’s my touring team, and nobody can do anything about it. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
Welsh rugby union player Stuart Evans playing for Wales in 1987
No 3: Stuart Evans A quiet and simple lad, and that is no criticism, who would often see things as they were and not as they were dressed up to be. Few comments came from Stuart but they were usually good when they did. When asked what he thought about the scenery on a coach trip in Brazil, his pithy reply was, ‘I don’t know; I can’t see it for all these ------- mountains.’ Picture: Getty Images Credit: Getty Images
No 4: Wade Dooley You have to have someone who is happy to take a lot of stick without getting upset about it, and Wade did just that. However, he was also unexpectedly sharp in retort and was the author of most of the good nicknames that stuck to England players of his time. Plus, you have to have someone who could keep up with Jason Leonard’s drinking. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 5: Martin Bayfield A natural wit with the right touch of self-deprecation; a great raconteur and a counter to the lingering menace of his former team and police colleague in the second row – a sort of community touring officer. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 6: Finlay Calder We needed a conscience and someone who would say the hard things that sometimes need to be said on tour. Finlay is the most direct and upright man I know and, as an aside, he is my only Scottish friend. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 7: Peter Winterbottom A hard man in every sense: player, drinker, banter-merchant, and enormously loyal team-mate. Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES
No 8: Dean Richards An evil Weights and Measures officer in Tour Courts, possessing of an unusual sense of humour and an almost photographic memory when it comes to playing cards. What Goes on Tour Stays On Tour, by Brian Moore is available from November 6 Picture: GETTY IMAGES Credit: GETTY IMAGES