The Haunting of Reoccurrence

I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t have learned to turn my fears in challenges had it not been for the Ulman Cancer Fund for Young Adults.

This incredible organization helped me challenge myself mentally and physically. Their love, support and encouragement has been paramount in defining my “new normal”.

Pre-diagnosis I would have never imagined I would voluntarily challenge the limits of my body with road races, IronGirl triathlons and biking from Baltimore to Key West.

As I look back now, I wish it hadn’t taken a cancer diagnosis to teach me how to cherish each precious day and deal with fears in my life.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still fear reoccurrence. In fact, today I will meet with my oncologist for the 30th time since diagnosis. And yes, I will most likely have the same exact conversation I have had the 29 previous times.

I am hoping he will send me away with reassurance that all is well. But channeling my fears into a challenge has proven to be incredibly helpful in the past.

These challenges have been life changers for me. I wonder what my next challenge will be? Perhaps summiting a mountain.

How do I disclose fertility challenges or long term side effects from treatment?

If you are willing to disclose your cancer history, you should be willing and able to disclose late and long term effects of fertility.

When they say, “Oh my god, what does that mean for you?” You need to be able to say, “Well, I may not physically or biologically be able to carry a child, or I may need to adopt.”

This also connects back to how who you date may be influenced by that. If you wanted kids before but you are infertile now, you need to partner up with someone who is open to adoption or IVF or donors.

This conversation typically happens later in the relationship, but it’s an important piece to disclose. It’s important to know what you want and that the person you’re dating is aligned with that.

Anything that might impact day-to-day stuff—that goes back to being comfortable with your story—that disclosure and discussion needs to happen before sexual intimacy.

Some women who may have had a mastectomy at a young age have a lot of fear and anxiety around being naked in front of their partner.

In those instances, I say, “Until you are comfortable looking at your own body, don’t let in another body.”

How do I manage the physical changes from cancer (i.e. dating without hair)?

One, know that physical changes may change and nothing is permanent.

Two, before getting into a new sexual relationship, during or after the cancer experience, it is really important to understand how your body has changed—whether that’s a port scar, radiation burn, amputation, medically induced menopause, gaining or losing weight.

Being able to comfortably look at your scars, explain them, touch your scars, it may be triggering.

It’s important to know what triggers you before being physical with someone.

Physical cues may have changed. If you are comfortable with it, try to touch yourself in a sensual way and try to understand any changes in your body.

Women who are going through medically induced menopause may not get wet in the same way that they are used to.

If a woman doesn’t know that, she won’t be able to anticipate this happening with someone, use lubrication, and communicate that change to her partner.

Guys also can experience changes in their body, maybe because of steroids or anxiety. This all goes back to knowing your body and how to communicate such changes.

If you still feel uncomfortable, you need to talk to a professional. You need to work through what is creating that barrier within yourself.

Don’t tough it out and suck it up when something hurts—don’t just power through it.

If you have pain or anxiety, talk to someone about it. It is important to acknowledge it.

If you’re female, talk to your OBGYN who will coordinate with an oncologist if there’s pain. If you’re male, see your primary care physician for an assessment.

How do my partner and I navigate the changes cancer has brought? (Including infertility)

Communication is so critical. For example, if you’re told at 35 that you’re going through menopause, you typically won’t know what that means or what the physiological symptoms of menopause are. It is important for both partners to be educated on what these changes mean.

Communication is key—talk about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good.

Communication is really important. Maybe talking to a counselor or physician about those changes could help.

Navigating sexual changes comes down to talking about them.

If fertility has been affected, early and often conversations about family should happen.

Ask questions like, “Are we open to adoption? Would we want to do preservation? Would we want to go to a bank? Are there any conflicts with faith practices?”

It’s really, really important for a couple where one or both partners are religious to talk to their pastor, their rabbi, or whomever, and bring their faith community into the conversation and consider what options they might have.

It’s also really important couples keep touching, during and after treatment.

It doesn’t just mean sex. Touch is so important. That could be massaging, laying naked together, holding hands, kissing.

If all touch ceases throughout treatment, it may feel awkward to reintroduce six months later.

Touch should be an ongoing thing, even if it may need to change day-to-day based on how someone is feeling. But touch is so critical.

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