Last week at the social after the class someone said that they had been interested in my comment in that week's email about the change my mother saw in me as I went from a child into my teens - loosing some of my spontaneity and becoming more guarded and watchful. I thought this would be an interesting area to reflect on this week. I notice in myself a fear that in my core is something that is dark and wrong and that my self investigation will open me up to feeling this pain or fear or struggle. But looking back at photos of myself as a child I see a child full of energy, vitality and joy. Perhaps it is the adult who has learnt to look out at the world as a fearful place but deeper in me there is still this trusting, spontaneous energy just wanting to be able to express itself.
I'm currently reading '10 smart Thing Gay Men Can do to Improve Their Lives'. In this the author, Dr. Joe Kort, references a book by Harville Hendrix, 'Keeping the Love You Find: A Guide for Singles'. In this Hendrix describes how we develop a "fugitive self", a part of us that has to go into hiding out of a belief that it it is not wanted by our parents or the society around us. If our parents give us the message we are loved as we are then we can express ourselves fully, but as we get messages from them or from our social circles or society that some things are not allowed then we send this part of ourselves into hiding. So much so that we may forget we ever felt it and it becomes the 'fugitive self'. Through being denied it goes into the shadow and what was once a joyful vibrant energy may start only to be able to find expression in risky behaviour, breaking rules, or is projected out onto others in terms of what we admire or condemn. It's often said that what we most dislike in others is what we have denied in ourselves or made wrong in ourselves. Perhaps some of our issues with Chem sex and risky sex is the child trying to find a way back out to play, to connect and be spontaneous, when it has been buried so deep we no longer live from that energy.
If you had asked me to describe myself as a young adult in my 20s I would have said I was introspective, anxious, lacked confidence, and was socially awkward. I could not start a conversation, was convinced people thought me boring and that I had nothing of any interest to say. I would stay silent in groups and not know how to join a conversation. Trying to dance or be spontaneous filled me with horror. I admired people who didn't care what others thought, who could just speak their mind and be themselves. Yet I also found them annoying - their self confidence and ability not to care what others thought seemed conceited and arrogant.
Looking back I can see how as a teen I started not to trust myself to act spontaneously. I knew there was something about my attraction to the other boys at school that was not socially acceptable and I feared slipping up - allowing this part of me to be seen. So I put up a false front. I started acting the part of me rather than living as me. And so the spontaneous and joyful energy that was there as a child started to be controlled, edited, questioned. Rather than simply being, I would ask myself how should I be in this moment and then acted my part.
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