We're Creating A Nation Of Pretend Adults
Hanna Rosin has a worthwhile 2014 piece in The Atlantic -- a long read on the decline of childhood freedom, independence, and experimentation in favor of constant parental supervision:
The common concern of parents these days is that children grow up too fast. But sometimes it seems as if children don't get the space to grow up at all; they just become adept at mimicking the habits of adulthood. As Hart's research shows, children used to gradually take on responsibilities, year by year. They crossed the road, went to the store; eventually some of them got small neighborhood jobs. Their pride was wrapped up in competence and independence, which grew as they tried and mastered activities they hadn't known how to do the previous year. But these days, middle-class children, at least, skip these milestones. They spend a lot of time in the company of adults, so they can talk and think like them, but they never build up the confidence to be truly independent and self-reliant.
Rosin looks at her own parenting as well -- vis a vis how children were raised just a few decades prior:
I used to puzzle over a particular statistic that routinely comes up in articles about time use: even though women work vastly more hours now than they did in the 1970s, mothers--and fathers--of all income levels spend much more time with their children than they used to. This seemed impossible to me until recently, when I began to think about my own life. My mother didn't work all that much when I was younger, but she didn't spend vast amounts of time with me, either. She didn't arrange my playdates or drive me to swimming lessons or introduce me to cool music she liked. On weekdays after school she just expected me to show up for dinner; on weekends I barely saw her at all. I, on the other hand, might easily spend every waking Saturday hour with one if not all three of my children, taking one to a soccer game, the second to a theater program, the third to a friend's house, or just hanging out with them at home. When my daughter was about 10, my husband suddenly realized that in her whole life, she had probably not spent more than 10 minutes unsupervised by an adult. Not 10 minutes in 10 years.It's hard to absorb how much childhood norms have shifted in just one generation. Actions that would have been considered paranoid in the '70s--walking third-graders to school, forbidding your kid to play ball in the street, going down the slide with your child in your lap--are now routine. In fact, they are the markers of good, responsible parenting. One very thorough study of "children's independent mobility," conducted in urban, suburban, and rural neighborhoods in the U.K., shows that in 1971, 80 percent of third-graders walked to school alone. By 1990, that measure had dropped to 9 percent, and now it's even lower. When you ask parents why they are more protective than their parents were, they might answer that the world is more dangerous than it was when they were growing up. But this isn't true, or at least not in the way that we think. For example, parents now routinely tell their children never to talk to strangers, even though all available evidence suggests that children have about the same (very slim) chance of being abducted by a stranger as they did a generation ago. Maybe the real question is, how did these fears come to have such a hold over us? And what have our children lost--and gained--as we've succumbed to them?
Related: My podcast on how kids learn and grow through play, with one of the sources she mentions, Boston College psychologist Peter Gray.
via @clairlemon
When I was a tad, our family exchanged Christmas gifts with the Old Country. One year, when I was about six, and we were living in a remote area, I opened a package to discover a sheath knife. My parents let me keep it. Comes in handy when you're wandering the woods with your little friends, or exploring the flats when the tide goes out.
Lastango at April 29, 2016 10:56 PM
"Modern" parenting is a disease, which stunts the growth of the children on which it is inflicted.
Problem-solving? Call Mommy!
Radwaste at April 30, 2016 5:29 AM
Why would anyone want me telling them what to do? All I learned was go outside and play. Come home when the street lights are on. We didn't even have Sesame Street. You're on your own, kids.
MarkD at April 30, 2016 5:57 AM
Our rule: Be home for dinner before dark.
I feel sorry for anybody who's hired a "Call Mommy!" problem solver.
My current assistant is in her 40s. The previous one was in his 30s. I intended to hire somebody starting out, but somebody starting over (in both of these cases) has been really terrific. The millennials I tried out were irresponsible and ridiculous -- which isn't to say all are.
Amy Alkon at April 30, 2016 6:19 AM
"They" seem to be tethered to their phones even when "on the clock" and do not understand how that "looks" to a customer.
At Lowes and could not keep sales guy's attention. He helped for 0.5 seconds and turned away.
Was in a hurry and frustrated so I did not complain but ...
Bob in Texas at April 30, 2016 6:33 AM
The biggest problem is that helicopter parenting has become so ingrained that if you let a child grow up as we did in the 60s and 70s you'll get arrested. This is incredibly sad.
Val at April 30, 2016 8:53 AM
Well, I don't know just how much adult supervising is done once today's kid reaches 14 or so, but I suspect, at least, that one group of people is grateful for helicopter parenting - store managers. (Even if teens do most of the shoplifting committed by minors.)
Not to mention that parents, too, can more easily say today, when their kid gets accused of theft or vandalism: "It's a case of mistaken identity. I KNOW my kid wasn't there on that day."
lenona at April 30, 2016 9:28 AM
Hmmm, I wonder how much is also due to what board games people play. Monopoly, one of the most popular games, was designed to teach capitalism was evil/unfair. Life, pretty much showed, few real choices in life, and go to college (in anything) or else you lose.
Joe J at April 30, 2016 9:33 AM
@Bob-- I was recently in Lowes and asked for help and the employee was using the Lowe's app on the phone she had. She said they intended to roll it out to the public. She was extremely helpful even if the app wasn't so much. She had to figure out the right description to get the list of stuff I wanted which was quite challenging.
The Former Banker at April 30, 2016 10:23 AM
But how else can Mom be featured in an article on "Tiger Moms of the Year" if she's not got her hand up her puppet 24/7?
Forcing your child to be perfect makes you look good, makes the other parents jealous, and completely makes up for your own personal failure to become perfect in every way. It really does.
Besides, if kids crack from the pressure and overdose or blow their brains out, you'll get all that delicious sympathy from the community!
So it's a win-win. Don't stop over-parenting. There's simply no downside!
And remember: the important children are the first-born and the youngest. Ignore the rest. They simply don't count.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 30, 2016 11:15 AM
Why the fear?
1) When families were big and many children died of disease, it was expected that you might lose one or two. But if you only have 1 or 2 kids, you must protect them at all costs.
2) Media frenzy: when you only got the local paper (if you read it) you rarely heard about any abductions, but now with national media and the internet you hear about awful things all the time so things SEEM more dangerous. In UK you can't even take pictures if there are children in the frame and you are a man, even if you are trying to capture the sunset or a tree.
When I was 13 or so, I was earning my own money and paid for all my own movies, sci-fi novels, candy, etc. Back in the mid-60s.
Craig Loehle at April 30, 2016 12:30 PM
"We're Creating A Nation Of Pretend Adults"
No. Today's parents are creating a nation of pretend adults.
"We" aren't failing them in any way. They're failing us.
When my daughter was about 10, my husband suddenly realized that in her whole life, she had probably not spent more than 10 minutes unsupervised by an adult. Not 10 minutes in 10 years.
So she is the problem, personified.
If "we" are responsible for anything, it's indulging parents in the polite fiction that theirs is the most difficult job since the the beginning of the world. More difficult than my grandmother raising kids during the Depression? Please, do tell.
I remember my mother commenting on the 1980s TV drama thirtysomething: "Do they think they're the first ones to HAVE KIDS?" And it's gotten worse and worse in the last 30 years.
Kevin at April 30, 2016 4:30 PM
"Do they think they're the first ones to HAVE KIDS?"
Yes.
Remember, for many people, history starts the day they're born.
I R A Darth Aggie at April 30, 2016 5:48 PM
I just saw a woman post on Facebook today that she still won't allow her 17-year-old daughter to use a restroom alone because "I'm afraid someone might hurt her in there." She's not disabled or in any way impaired so WTF?! I will allow my 5-year-old to use a public restroom by himself if he asks to and it doesn't appear to be super busy. I wait outside for him. He does fine and is proud of the fact that I let him.
BunnyGirl at April 30, 2016 10:22 PM
"Remember, for many people, history starts the day they're born."
Aha! Another opportunity to cite thirtysomething:
Miles Drentell, on the role of DAA, his ad agency (approximately), said, "We are paid well to assure the public that everything will be fine if they simply buy our clients' products - and to that public, "history" is last week's "People" magazine."
Radwaste at May 1, 2016 2:30 AM
History, is all the shit, everywhere, that has ever happened.
Journalism, is the tiny fraction that actually gets reported, often incorrectly understood, poorly translated, and horribly biased.
Of that tiny fraction, is a tiny subset that actually gets read by anyone, and remembered either correctly or incorrectly.
And any lessons drawn from it, and remembered, are few indeed.
The average person takes two consistent and wrong lessons from what they read and don't read.
The first is, "If I didn't hear about it, it didn't happen."
The second is: " If I did hear about something happening one time, in one place, it is because it happens everywhere, and all the time."
Isab at May 1, 2016 3:10 PM
In August was the Jackal born;
The Rains fell in September;
"Now such a fearful flood as this,"
Says he, "I can"t remember!"
~ Rudyard Kipling
Conan the Grammarian at May 2, 2016 7:33 AM
"But how else can Mom be featured in an article on 'Tiger Moms of the Year' if she's not got her hand up her puppet 24/7?"
Indeed. Parenting has degenerated into just another form of virtue-signaling. To be fair, the rot has been creeping in for a long time, but it has really accelerated with this generation.
"And remember: the important children are the first-born and the youngest. Ignore the rest. They simply don't count."
Hmm. I sense there is a story here. I'll admit that I was the oldest and I only had one sibling, so I have no insight regarding middle children.
Cousin Dave at May 2, 2016 7:37 AM
We live on acreage, and there is a trail through the woods that my six-year-old and her buddies use to go from our house to theirs, alone. It might be a quarter mile, max. I've never mentioned it to the other moms from kindergarten- I think they'd freak out. When we have other kids over (ones who don't live on the adjacent property), if they go next door, we either escort them or drive them.
Recently, I told the kindergartner that she could stay at the house all by herself while I went trail running (on the property.) I only planned to be out for 20-30 minutes. However, as I was on my way out, my mother showed up- so there was no "big girl home by herself" experience. The kid was FURIOUS that she didn't get to stay by herself. Little kids very much want to be grown up.
Meanwhile, from today's news, monkey bars and swings will likely be endangered soon:
http://www.kvue.com/news/monkey-bars-alert-playground-concussions-on-the-rise/164578812
ahw at May 2, 2016 11:03 AM
We live on acreage, and there is a trail through the woods that my six-year-old and her buddies use to go from our house to theirs, alone. It might be a quarter mile, max. I've never mentioned it to the other moms from kindergarten- I think they'd freak out. When we have other kids over (ones who don't live on the adjacent property), if they go next door, we either escort them or drive them.
Recently, I told the kindergartner that she could stay at the house all by herself while I went trail running (on the property.) I only planned to be out for 20-30 minutes. However, as I was on my way out, my mother showed up- so there was no "big girl home by herself" experience. The kid was FURIOUS that she didn't get to stay by herself. Little kids very much want to be grown up.
Meanwhile, from today's news, monkey bars and swings will likely be endangered soon:
http://www.kvue.com/news/monkey-bars-alert-playground-concussions-on-the-rise/164578812
ahw at May 2, 2016 11:03 AM
Sorry about the double-post.
ahw at May 2, 2016 11:04 AM
""And remember: the important children are the first-born and the youngest. Ignore the rest. They simply don't count."
Hmm. I sense there is a story here. I'll admit that I was the oldest and I only had one sibling, so I have no insight regarding middle children."
It is just a common viewpoint CD. Not one I share but I've seen it often enough. In part it stems from the oldest child is the most physically mature and hence given the most responsibility while the youngest is the most vulnerable and thus paid the most attention. The ones in the middle seem to blend together. There is also a bit of the oldest child is the only one to inherit business.
Personally I see this more in women than men. For the most part women are far more interested in genetic lineage than men. So I wouldn't be surprised they are also more interested in birth order.
For anyone objecting to my claim about women being more interested in genetic relation, look it up. There is ample evidence and numerous studies demonstrating it.
Ben at May 2, 2016 12:40 PM
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