Six months ago, I was back at the BBC. It was a drinks reception to celebrate 45 years of The Goodies and Bill Oddie invited me as his plus one, mindful that he might bump into Chris Packham and lamp him for stealing the Springwatch gig.
My focus was – often is – on keeping Oddie calm. He’s grown wise to me slipping Rescue Remedy into his Merlot, so I always make sure I have my iPad with me. That way if we do have a flare-up Bill can go sit in the back of the car and look at pictures of birds. I also confiscate his glasses so he can’t scan the room for enemies.
Yet that evening something else caught my attention. It was the sound of braying broadcasters proclaiming that we’re now in a golden age of TV. Well, Oddie and I threw our heads back and roared (me laughter, Oddie anger). It wasn’t just the arrogance of it, but its wrongness. Television is a busted flush. No sensible broadcaster wants to work in it, and I am no exception. Nor, he has asked me to point out, is Oddie.
And so, in this piece, I will debunk the myth that we are seeing a golden age of television. I will go on to demonstrate that radio is the preferred medium for the talented broadcaster. I will summarise these points in a recap paragraph and end on a single pithy line that knits everything together. I will then spellcheck the document. I will email it to the Guardian and will then go into town to meet an acquaintance. Then it’s BodyPump, Tesco Metro, bite to eat and bed.
A golden age? More like a golden shower! If you work in television, you’re probably spluttering something about the mass appeal of Strictly Come Dancing or how cutting-edge Game Of Thrones is, with its sandals and dragons. Personally, I fail to see what’s cutting edge about a dragon. They were used to advertise mouthwash in the 80s. They’ve been extinct for millions of years!
Everywhere you look there are signs of decline. Our newsreaders now stand up, our chatshow hosts don’t chat, our TV detectives take a “series arc” to suss out what Bergerac managed in an hour – admittedly, the kind of canny problem-solving you’d expect from a guy residing in a tax haven.
Of course, put this to a TV exec and they’ll waffle on about appreciation indexes, time-shifted viewing figures, strong online feedback. Talk about mealy-mouthed! But then BBC mouths are some of the mealiest in the industry. And it’s not just their mouths. Face, head, neck, you name it – all very, very mealy indeed.
But where one empire crumbles, another rises. While TV slides into the abyss, radio rises like a phoenix/new day/beanstalk. Some of the best broadcasters are realising radio is the place to be and are migrating to this medium in their droves.
Am I just saying this because it’s the arena I happen to work in? No! Or maybe because I’m bitter that I no longer work in television? Of course not! I’m in a more contented place than ever. I drive an executive saloon, I take several foreign holidays a year, I have a four-figure endorsement deal with Norfolk’s leading manufacturer of non-recyclable cat litters. What else? I own two NutriBullets. My hair’s still nice and thick. I do have a fat back but I’m able to manage that by not approaching people back-first with my top off.
No, the reason I’ve penned this piece is because I’m genuinely evangelical about digital radio. Enter any DRS (digital radio station) and you’ll find it fizzing with ideas, like liver on a hotplate – or liver on a hot plate. I, personally, come up with over 20 ideas a day; more if I’ve had egg for breakfast (don’t know why).
Then there’s its global reach. Digital shows can be accessed via the internet anywhere on Earth. When I launch a phone-in that asks: “How often should you wash your towels?” or “How long can a dog stand on its hind legs?”, it’s as likely to be enjoyed by a housewife in Hemsby as it is by a factory owner in Guangzhou or a weaver high (or low) in the Andes.
All of which explains why I was gracious enough to allow Sky Atlantic (a TV channel) to broadcast my forthcoming (radio) show Mid Morning Matters. Perhaps it’s because they Believe in Better, I don’t know, you’d have to ask them. All I know is it takes real humility for them to admit that television, the very medium they operate in, is a spent force that simply isn’t working and that the only thing that might be able to prop up their viewing figures is the webcam footage of a Norfolk-based digital radio show.
I guess that’s also why I was only too happy to go along with their suggestion that they take sole ownership of the rights to the show along with all back-end revenues in perpetuity. After all, don’t kick a man when he’s down, right?
Back at the Goodies shindig, I made many of these points and more. The braying of the execs softened to a whinny as they digested what I had to say, and before long they were listening in rapt silence. It was then I realised they weren’t listening but were watching Bill Oddie pin Chris Packham to a wall. I handed Bill his spectacles. He realised it was Sue Barker, apologised and we sloped back to the car.
I’ve run out of space for the summary paragraph and pithy sign off. Sorry.
PS. Mid Morning Matters is back on Sky Atlantic,10pm, 16 February
ALAN’S PICK OF THE RADIO RENEGADES
Freddy And Ted, Majesty Radio
Breakfast presenters at this Peterborough outfit, Freddy and Ted had a blokey repartee which took on a different hue when they announced their engagement live on air. Controversially, the show now features Snog or Yog, in which listeners guess whether the slopping noises they can hear are the sound of them eating yoghurt or French-kissing one another. Advertisers and parents have run a mile but it makes for urgent, compelling radio.
Judge Solomon, Six Counties Radio
A former barrister, Solomon takes a cue from his biblical namesake with Judge Solomon’s Kids Court, in which he presides as a family court judge and, after hearing from both parents, grants custody to one or the other – with explosive results. His decision carries no legal weight whatsoever but the listeners don’t seem to know that.
Steve Penk, The Steve Penk Wind-Up Channel
If you think Trevor Bayliss invented wind-up radio, think again. Penk is the master of the practical joke and is as creative and daring as ever. He once phoned me to say my daughter had lost an arm in a powerboating accident and it was “touch and go” if she’d pull through. I couldn’t stop crying, even after I realised I’d been “penked”. That’s Steve!
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