For most of my adult life, I struggled with chronic procrastination, and I thought it meant that there was something wrong with me. I judged myself as lazy, unworthy, and unmotivated.
But this just wasn't true. The problem wasn't that I was weak. It was that I hadn't yet learned how motivation really works.
Stress is how we use fear and negativity to create positive results. And while a little stress can be productive, chronic stress makes us feel insecure, unworthy, unhappy, and even sick. It leaves us stuck in a trap where no matter how much we achieve, or how many items we cross off our to do list, it never feels like enough.
Expectations are the primary cause of stress and insecurity. If you want to reduce your level of stress, reduce your expectations while maintaining your goals.
Expectations are "shoulds." They're all the things we think should be different, either in ourselves, in others, or in the world. It doesn't matter whether our expectations are good or bad. This isn't about right or wrong. All expectations, no matter their content, create stress. They create a gap, between how we think the world is and how we think it should be. This gap is automatically filled with stress, insecurity and unhappiness. It's the way our brains work. It's the mechanism through which we turn fear into fuel. It's easy to use. But it comes with a steep price.
Mark was deeply insecure and harshly self-critical. No matter what anyone else said, he always felt he was a failure. During a coaching session, we slowed down and asked his voice of fear some questions. "What is the purpose behind all these self-judgments and failed expectations? How are you serving Mark the best way you know how?"
His voice of fear responded, "Without me, you wouldn't get anything done. My judgments and expectations are the only reason you have any motivation at all." As he shared this, his words resonated deeply with me. Mark hadn't learned how to generate enough positive motivation, so stress and insecurity was what he had left.
Stress is what we fall back on when we don't trust our positive fuel sources.
In contrast, positive motivation starts with heartfelt goals. It's hard to get excited about something you don't really want. Genuine motivation comes from genuine desire. Then there is one essential key for turning this wellspring of energy into a source of fuel you can trust.
Be impeccable with your word.
Consistent, positive motivation comes from building a habit of making and keeping wise agreements. Instead of setting yourself up to fail via unrealistic expectations and over-commitment, be honest about what you can really take on. Create clean and clear agreements that move you towards an authentic goal, and follow through on them. Doing so will change your life in remarkable ways.
Where negative fuel creates stress, insecurity, and unhappiness, positive fuel creates excitement, trust, and gratitude.
Upgrading your fuel source is an incremental process. It's about letting go of negative habits and replacing them with more positive ones.
Expectations are like the junk food of motivation. Making and keeping wise agreements is like eating well and going to the gym. It can take some effort at first, but over time these new habits take on a life of their own. The key is to take things one step at a time. If each month you reduced your negative motivation by 3 percent and increased your positive motivation by the same amount, within a year you would have transformed your life.
Here's an extremely powerful exercise for doing so. Again, this isn't a quick fix. It's something to practice until it becomes a natural part of your regular habits.
The exercise is based on asking two questions. "What's enough?" and "What's exciting?"
With the first question, the goal is to reduce your expectations. How can you make it as easy as possible to succeed each day? For example, how much income do you need to earn in order to cover your family's basic needs? That's enough. How much attention do you need to give your children in order to let them know they are loved? That's enough. How much do you need to provide your clients in order to give them value? That's enough.
This isn't about settling. It's not about laziness. And it's not about giving up. It's about upgrading your fuel source, so you can create even more of what you most want in life, and be of even greater service in the world.
Letting go of our expectations can be scary. It's a Leap of Faith.
For me, it triggers some of my deepest fears. "If I stop pushing so hard, I'll turn into a lazy slob." "If I don't make more money, my wife will stop loving me and leave me for someone else." "If I take a long vacation, I'll never want to go back to work."
If you really sit with this first question and do the work of facing your fears and letting go of your expectations, you'll naturally start to experience a sense of spaciousness. Your consciousness will shift from scarcity to abundance. Then, from this new place, you have the opportunity to genuinely explore the second question. "What's exciting?"
It's much easier to take risks when you feel like a success than when you feel like a failure. It's much easier to come up with inspiring goals when you trust that you already are enough.
So take yourself off the hook. Let go of your expectations. Decide on some honest, minimum standards -- what truly is enough? Take care of those needs. Then from that place, dare to dream.
And dream big.