Poll Shows Chimpanzees More Likely Than Republicans to Believe in Evolution
Though the chimps won’t take the blame for humanity
WASHINGTON D.C. (SWP): Now we have a fairly good explanation for why Republican Oval Office hopefuls like Scott Walker and Bobby Jindal are afraid to commit on evolution. They aren’t counting on the chimpanzee vote.
Polls by two groups, Public Policy Polling and the World Wildlife Fund (WWF), show that while only 37% of Republicans surveyed belove in evlolution (13% unsure, 49% do not believe), a solid 73% of chimpanzees believe in evolution.
Dr. Sarah Belum of the World Wildlife Fund led the chimpanzee polling project. “We think that acceptance may be higher,” said Belum at a recent press conference, “many of the chimps just laughed and threw feces at us. It’s hard to interpret that response.” She notes that the survey consisted of chimpanzees residing in the U.S.
Intelligent primates everywhere are concerned about the results. Economist and New York Times opinion columnist, Paul Krugman, has noted that tribalism has taken over reason among Republicans. “When you think about it, the blather of most Republican politicians on evolution and on climate change is the intellectual equivalent of throwing feces.”
When asked about the poll, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-KY said he was, “Disappointed but not surprised that the chimpanzees would play politics with the issue.” Speaker of the House, John Boehner, R-OH, when asked to comment, simply shrieked and threw feces at reporters. Stepping in on the encounter, Representative Darrell Issa, R-CA vowed to, “hold hearings immediately on such an important matter,” before adding, “what are we talking about?”
WWF researchers were able to gleam additional insights from the subset of chimpanzee respondents that speak sign language. A good 30% support the use of U.S. ground troops in the fight against ISIS. And 83% don’t understand how Birdman won best picture. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was the preferred choice among chimpanzees.
