Last month I was away in Spain on the dance retreat organised through the Friday Five Rhythms group Dance Out Loud. It was a really powerful experience of living together as a community of gay/bi men, and of making the inner world visible through movement. Some of the exercises were challenging and really put me in touch with the issues I have been exploring over the last year in therapy and my practice. In one exercise we danced with a partner who was instructed to ignore us. It was so painful to be back in that place of wanting attention but having the person I look to for it ignoring me, looking over my shoulder, behaving as if I was not there.

What was fascinating was that after a few minutes of this my body took over and went into an automatic mode of behaviour. After seeing that my partner was ignoring me I started to make larger movements, trying to get his attention, but when this did not work my body suddenly shifted into a restricted and small posture, my movements became tight and narrow - fearing that whatever I was doing was bringing their disapproval so I had better stay very small. At the same time I went very close to him, trying to touch or rest on his body as I made the small movements, hoping that in the contact he might respond to me with some recognition or warmth. He did not and I felt increasingly panicked and alone.

In contrast when it was my partners turn to be ignored, after initially trying to get my attention he then thought "fuck you, if you're going to ignore me I don't need you" and went into his own dance, ignoring me as he danced around the space, like an angry teenager. His large dance being a way of saying "I don't need you" which in a subtle way also said "I really want you".

These two ways of responding to being ignored show how we all have our own patterns, and how our wounding can take different shapes. It also reminds me of the saying I heard from a therapist who visited the monastery which I often come back to: "we are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship". The very act of coming into connection with another human being has the potential to awaken old wounds and patterns of relating, but of also being a place of healing. How much I am able to bring a conscious awareness to this automatic pattern determines whether I see what is happening as a co-created experience in which  I contribute to the pattern, or blame the other for imposing it on me. If I see my part then I have some freedom to choose how to respond. If I feel I am the victim then I am always trying to make the other behave as I want so they don't cause me hurt, or manipulate the situation for the same reason. Learning to be present to what is coming up when I am in relationship to another offers a chance for healing.  

Over the 12 years since leaving the monastery I have explored this in different ways: through training in massage (therapeutic and sensual), tantric workshops that explore how we can connect through intimacy and letting go of shame and most recently through talking therapy and body based therapy. It has also included attending various groups, workshops and events. Last year at the Queer Spirit Festival I drew together some of these experiences and presented them in a two hour workshop around the theme of 'opening to intimacy'. Workshop leaders often work in the areas where we are ourselves wounded, and this theme of conscious intimacy is one I keep coming back to in my own life. In my talking therapy I am exploring what it is that scares me so much about relationships and trusting another and this is a powerful way for me to let go of believing in some of the old unhelpful scripts. 

On the dance retreat this seemed to culminate in one exercise where we were creating an image of ourself. It started with some pair work where one person drew around our outline. Then over several sessions we went to draw what we were feeling. What I got in touch with was the deep feeling of conflict within myself, the negative opinions and self-beliefs that I had taken in from others - my mother, my father's abandonment, teachers, society. I felt as if there was a block around my solar plexus stopping energy form flowing. Christianity and the Medieval fresco image of Christ sitting in Judgement that had been in my local church as a boy weighed on me: be good and you go to heaven, be bad and you go into the jaws of hell and eternal suffering. Behind this was the snake. Not the Snake that tempted Eve, but a pagan snake, a symbol of rebirth, of healing and protection: old skins shed when we outgrow them and they no longer serve us, the possibility of renewal and regeneration.

We had done an exercise over the retreat where we spoke of our rocks: the things in our life that give us support and strength. I saw my self standing on the rocks of authenticity, self-compassion, adventure, faith in being able to step into the unknown, courage, friendship, resilience and mindfulness. 

On the last evening of the retreat I went into the dance space where all of these images had been hung up and danced alone with my picture. Crying and starting to allow some of the rage to pass through screaming it out. It felt good. I was in some sweat pants and like an old tight snake skin I shed these to dance naked. It felt so powerful to let the old layers slip away, to be there in my skin, fresh and vibrant, always with the potential for new birth: letting go of shame, and fear and the power of these inner critics to control my life.

I would like to share this adventure and explore it more with others and this brings me back to the workshop I led at Queer Spirit last year. The two hours went so quickly and we hardly seemed to have time to explore the connection we had built up before it was time to finish. So I have decided to run this as a one day event once a month and see how this works. Details of the dates and venue are below.


Opening To Intimacy Workshop