If you were a typical teenager, turning 18 meant finishing high school, proms and parties, college trips...You probably felt some trepidation, but more excitement and anticipation...and you knew that 18 really was just a number. Your parents were still helping you make important decisions and providing an emotional and financial safety net to catch you in case you made a mistake.
For the more than 22,000 young people who turn 18 in foster care this year in the United States, approaching the age of official adulthood is a different matter. Decisions they make may have a profound impact on their success as young adults. They have no safety net.
Here's a checklist for former foster youth as they approach 18. Please pass it on if you know someone reaching this milestone.
1. Plan like a demon: You may not have taken your caseworker's written plans too seriously before, but a good transition plan will be critical to success now. Twenty-two states offer extended foster care for young people. That usually doesn't mean that you have to continue to live in a foster or group home if you don't want to, but you can get some state assistance until you turn 21. Sometimes, extended help comes with strings - like staying in school or employment. Many young people want to be free of "the system," but don't let those feelings keep you from accepting benefits that can make your first few years on your own a little easier. This can be a critical piece of your safety net, and you deserve it.
2. Accentuate the positive (relationships that is): Friends, teachers, mentors, former foster parents, pastors...look at all the people you know a little differently. They're your support system; and one thing you'll learn as an adult is that relationships matter. Your biological family ties may be weak or nonexistent, but you can build your own "family" from the people who care about you and want to help you as a young adult. Take the time to cultivate relationships with people who can help you. That's what adults call "networking." You'll find that there are people who genuinely care about you and want to see you succeed. It's also a great time to let go of negative relationships.
3. Think big about your life: Take some time for self-reflection. What do you want to do with your life? When asked, lots of foster youth say they want to be social workers. You may think that, too. But that may be because it's the only career you know anything about. Be curious. Ask everyone you're in contact with about their career - how they got there, what they like about the work, what they don't like. Set high expectations and goals for yourself.
4. Practice perspective: You may have a fantasy of what your life will be like after 18 or maybe a nightmare. Most are overly optimistic or overly negative. You may think: "I'll find my mother, have my own apartment and car, do well in college, get a great job..." or "My life has been hell. It's not going to get any better. I'm going to be homeless. I'll never find a job..." Try for balanced thinking. Things generally aren't going to be as good or bad as you fear.
I encourage foster youth to do things for others during these months. Volunteer. Listen to the stories from people in a homeless shelter or hospice. Spending time in foster care is hard, but other people face challenges in their lives, too. Helping others allows you to put your challenges in perspective and move forward.
Your life has not been typical, but after 18 you may find that "surviving" foster care actually gives you some advantages. Former foster youth often have developed great resilience, the ability to recover from setbacks and succeed. You know how to solve problems for yourself and find solutions because you've had to do it.
You may very well have experienced already the worst that life will throw at you. It's time to recalibrate and go on to experience some of the best life has to offer.
Mary Lee earned a bachelor's degree in social work with a minor in leadership from Austin Peay State University and went on to graduate from the University of Memphis School of Law. She is assistant director of strategic partnerships for Youth Villages and is helping expand YVLifeSet, a program of Youth Villages that helps young people who age out of foster care achieve their amazing potential. She was one of Glamour Magazine's 50 Hometown Heroes in 2015. For more information, visit www.YVLifeSet.org.