COLUMBIA, SC—Archaeologists excavating the train tracks out by the quarry announced Tuesday that they have discovered evidence of an epic party dating back to the late- February period of the year 2010.
According to University of South Carolina Archaeology chair Winston Eng, the monumental celebration, once thought to be merely the stuff of local legend, appears to have spanned more than six hours and covered a 2,200-square-foot area at its height.
“This is an extremely exciting find,” said Eng, who is heading up the careful documentation and cataloging of what is already being referred to as a total freakin’ blowout. “Nothing in the record indicates a party of such breadth and magnitude ever having occurred in this area, before or since.”
“Judging by the vast array of artifacts these people left behind, this was truly a balls-out rager,” Eng added.
By carefully piecing together the physical evidence with the local oral traditions that have been passed down from older to younger brother over the past two weeks, Eng and his colleagues have been able to theorize what the party may have been like.
“Though no reliable firsthand narratives still exist, various hazy and half-remembered tales indicate that it began as a humble birthday bash for Kelly, and then attracted and absorbed several other bands of revelers as news of its vast beer reserves spread throughout the region,” Eng said. “It appears that the party grew rapidly in strength during its brief reign, but the erratic tire tracks and three bras left behind, coupled with speculative historical accounts of a highly coordinated raid by a people known as ‘the Pigs,’ suggest that it ended quite suddenly.”
Eng said that the party can be divided into three generally agreed-upon eras, each marked by a watershed event. These include the Arrival of the Three Great Kegs, Brian Crying Like a Little Bitch, and the Lighting of the Bottle Rockets.
In addition to alcohol receptacles of every size and several cast-off contraceptive devices, Eng and his team also uncovered evidence of advanced toolmaking. The most prized discovery to date is a high-volume gravity bong, the sophistication and ingenuity of which appears to be unrivaled by similar THC-delivery devices found at other sites.
“This event attracted very specialized partiers skilled in many different disciplines,” said Eng, later explaining that the find at the train tracks puts into perspective much of the data collected at the site of a landmark 2004 high school rager discovered next to a water tower in Palmyra, NY. “From ancient drinking-game masters to pickup artists to guys who were good at doughnuts, this was the rare environment in which all of these types of people could thrive.”
“So, so badass,” Eng added.
Though the discovery has removed any doubt as to how awesome the party was, the festivities were evidently not always peaceful. Bloodstains and a torn Motörhead T-shirt have been attributed to a massive three-man brawl, thought to have been prompted by the fickle attentions of a particularly attractive, high-status female.
Additionally, vague tales of someone’s cousin named Lester or Lincoln or something attempting to attain the status of alpha male by throwing a full beer into one of the site’s bonfire areas—an action that purportedly saw him forever branded an asshole and banished from the event—have been substantiated by the recovery of a charred and ruptured aluminum vessel.
“There was a very strict and nuanced social hierarchy in place,” Eng said. “Violating it could easily relegate a partygoer to hanging out with the tools, listening to one of them go on and on about computers or some other gay shit.”
Though researchers said that they have already learned much during the excavation, some questions, such as why Lauren was being such a cunt to Jenn, will likely forever remain unanswered.