Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

You guys, here’s the thing about parenting…
[Takes a sip of water]
[Puts down glass]
[Clears throat]
[Forgets what I was going to say]

— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) April 3, 2014

Kid (whining): It's not fair! I have to pick up ALL the toys!

Me (whining back): It's not fair! I have to fold ALL the laundry!

Kid: ...

— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) March 31, 2014

Apparently a 2 year old getting her hair washed and an exorcism sound oddly similar.

— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) March 30, 2014

The opposite of BAD is GOOD.

The opposite of GOOD is NONE OF THEM WILL TAKE A NAP, SHOVE SPOONS INTO MY EYEBALLS AND DIG MY BRAIN OUT.

— Dad or Alive (@dad_or_alive) March 31, 2014

Before you go crazy on those baby-making plans, just remember children need to be fed THREE+ times a day. Think about it. Think hard.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) April 1, 2014

"This ketchup is fantastic."
- my 5 year old, after she insists on the most expensive entree on the menu

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 3, 2014

Almost $300 on groceries today. Probably ordering pizza tonight.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) April 2, 2014

6yo is SO THRILLED to get a birthday party invite, never wants to attend the actual party. This pretty much sums up my entire life.

— Linda (@Sundry) March 31, 2014

For her bday my daughter REALLY wants the $130 Isabelle American Girl doll...or the $20 doll from the craft store. Decisions, decisions...

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 2, 2014

I judge my father’s love for me by how much he’s able to resist the urge to buy my kids a drum set.

— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) March 31, 2014

Sorry kids, when the ice cream truck plays music, it means he's all out of ice cream.

— bearded grumblings (@liberalcannon) March 31, 2014

Ben starts baseball practice tomorrow, so I start my bi-weekly prayer for rain.

— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) April 2, 2014

Maybe time to limit Minecraft time when you overhear your daughter telling the cat "I'm going to get married to the Enderman."

— Liz Gumbinner ﾟﾏﾳﾸﾏﾟﾌﾈ (@Mom101) April 4, 2014

I'm pretty sure the road to hell is covered in rainbow loom bands which I will be forced to pick up.

— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) April 3, 2014

That special moment in a Dad's life when he looks at his kids & realizes that they're FINALLY big enough to get him a beer outta the fridge.

— Babies Daddy (@dshack8) March 28, 2014

The worst part about your kid growing up? Their friends following you on social media, so you can’t make off-colour jokes anymore.

— Karen Walrond (@Chookooloonks) April 4, 2014

My 4yo son is singing in the shower, "I'm pooooping in the shower right now!" He's bluffing. Totally bluffing. He may not be bluffing.

— Sam Huntington (@samhuntington) April 3, 2014

Only 95% of my conversations with my wife involve a child’s bowel movements, so, no, the romance isn’t dead.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 2, 2014

Toddlers are like puppies who wear shoes and can talk.

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) April 4, 2014

It's pretty funny when I say it, therefore it must be the most hilarious thing ever WHEN I SHOUT IT. - Every kid ever

— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) April 5, 2014

Me: "As a parent, I will never say "Because I said so"

*3 years later*

"Because I said so you little !&%* that's why!"

— The Walking Dad (@RealDMK) April 2, 2014

Dear English language,
I'm proposing the word 'sleep' is dropped from the word 'sleepover'.
Signed
A tired parent

— thenapkinguy31 (@jetts31) April 5, 2014

I never realized so much of adulthood would be pretending not to be drunk in front of babysitters.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) April 2, 2014

Sitting down on your kid's tiny toilet seat adapter while half asleep is the ultimate Alice-in-Wonderland experience for your butt.

— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) April 2, 2014

I haven't done a somersault in years, but if the kids laugh at my humble offering and stay in bed, it was worth throwing my back out.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 2, 2014