Hateful attitudes toward women lead to violent tragedies

One victim was the 24-year-old ex-girlfriend of a former Des Moines cop. Another was a 20-year-old employee of a children's museum. A third was a nine-month-old baby. The first was strangled, the second was shot to death and the youngest was found burned beyond recognition beside his father in a torched car. Their killers were different, but one thing was the same. Every victim ended up in the crosshairs of a man whose response to not getting his wish was fatal violence.

Mevlida Dzananovic's former boyfriend, Merced Dautovic, was a former police officer and violent convict who went on to hang himself. Andrea Farrington had captured the unwanted attention of Alexander Kozak, a Coralville Mall security guard. Logan Habibovic was abducted from his home in Urbandale by his father, Elvis Habibovic, reacting to a breakup with his mother. Add to those victims 30-year-old Justin Michael. His murderer, David Moffitt, was convicted last week of going after Michael for being engaged to Moffitt's former girlfriend, and shooting him while the couple slept.

None of these cases even fits the definition of domestic violence, since the killers weren't living with their victims. But the common thread is the sense of absolute entitlement over them, perpetuated by a culture of male privilege and twisted notions of masculinity.

Take it from batterers themselves. A handout at a recent training for victim advocates sponsored by the Chrysalis Foundation for Women listed the ways male perpetrators, court-ordered to batterers' intervention, said using violence against the women in their lives served them:

•It got him respect, power, money, sex or control of decision-making.

•It was an "ego booster," or gave him "bragging rights."

•It resulted in her having supper ready on the table.

•It spared him from having to listen to her complaints.

•It freed him from having to "hang out with her or her kids."

"She's an object," said one man. "She's a nursemaid," said another. "She works for me," said a third. A fourth said: "(I get) a robot babysitter, maid, sex, food."

It's hard to believe such hateful, degrading attitudes toward women came from the men they love. But when one in three U.S. women has experienced rape, violence or stalking by an intimate partner, and more than three women are murdered every day by a husband or boyfriend, such attitudes are not anomalies. Ninety-six percent of the victims they hear about are female, said trainer Kacey Barrow-Miner of Crisis Intervention Advocacy Center in Adel.

Advocates have been trying to get tougher laws passed, police and prosecutor practices reformed and penalties made harsh enough that perpetrators can't re-offend. To its discredit, the Iowa Legislature this session passed up opportunities to expand domestic-violence laws to include intimate-partner violence, and to classify multiple repeat batterers as habitual offenders, subject to mandatory minimum prison terms. Other communities have assembled teams to identify and share information on high-risk cases, used danger-assessment tools to track escalating violence, and employed GPS devices to ensure offenders don't violate restraining orders.

But such fixes alone won't rout out the underlying problem. That will take wide-ranging reforms in attitudes, so no man believes it's his right and duty to control a woman. And it's not just brute force but psychological abuse. One client of Barrow-Miner's had stopped eating because her partner "mooed" like a cow every time she went to the kitchen. Another said her partner put her dog in the freezer until she gave in to his demands, which usually involved sex.

A speaker at the training, Tiffany Allison, had been a confident, professional woman raised in a loving home, with no direct exposure to violence. So when she started dating Scotty Parks in 2009, and he lavished her with attention and gifts, her friends thought he was "madly in love" with her.

He cut her off from them. He first hit her five months in, forbidding her from contacting anyone. She left him but his persistent calls of apology, excuses and promises wore her down. The worst came after she tried to break up with him, nine months after they got together. He held her captive over four hours, hitting her with a wrought iron cross so hard it broke in two, and choking her till she passed out. To complete the denigration, he urinated on her.

Allison learned she was his fifth victim. Yet Parks was allowed to plead down the charges. He served only 10 months of a 2-1/2 year-sentence because of good time, then permanently disfigured his next victim with his teeth. Now Allison is advocating for tougher laws.

Where do we start to upend misogyny? Everywhere. By electing and appointing more women to positions of power and raising their wages so they can survive on their own. By drumming gender equality into young children. By raising daughters to feel strong and autonomous enough to be OK without a man, rather than with one who would mistreat them or their children. And by raising sons to understand the most rewarding relationships require respect between equals rather than rigidly defined sex roles — and that violence is never an acceptable response.

This is everyone's job — churches', parents', schools', nonprofits', media's, even businesses' —since women lose 8 million days of paid work a year because of violence. But ultimately it is men's job to say no to male privilege and begin reframing notions of manhood. Happy Independence Day.