Stop Stalking Your Ex's Social Media. Right. Now

by Ramona Emerson

This is the difference between breakups now and breakups before social media. Back then, you'd spend a few weeks wallowing, slowly forgetting your formerly beloved's face and assuming he or she was probably sobbing somewhere or, even better, dead. Then you'd meet a handsome book editor over the cheese chest at Whole Foods and be married and off to Connecticut before you could figure out how to spell bourgeoisie. But now? You spend months looking at pictures of your formerly beloved's smiling face while he frolics around Montauk, gets an ice cream with someone called @mauralicious, and doesn't appear to cry at all, but in fact looks healthier and happier than ever before thanks to a generous helping of the Walden filter. Then you meet a social-media manager named Ace on Tinder and spend the next three weeks following him to events sponsored by liquor companies, before deciding to move back home to Seattle.

I mean, everyone's experience is slightly different--maybe the Tinder guy's name was Brent, maybe your ex is lactose intolerant--but the principle remains: Social media has made breaking up (and staying together) that much harder to do, which is exactly why Kim Stolz (you know her from America's Next Top Model and MTV) wrote a book about it, Unfriending My Ex and Other Things I'll Never Do (Scribner).

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"The idea for the book came from a breakup I had that probably wouldn't have happened so quickly or so brutally if not for social media," says Stolz, whose interactions with an ex that went from innocent Facebook status likes to drunken Gchatting led to the end of the relationship she was in at the time. "I didn't even really feel that emotionally connected to her anymore, but when we're bombarded by their updates, and their friends, and every single thing in their life every time we pick up the phone, it's really hard to get over people." There's also the problem that social media erases all the unattractive things about people--the insecurity, the way they slept with their mouth gaping open in a silent, never-ending scream--and only shows them in their best light, from their best angle, and at the best gallery in Chelsea.

Having all that information at your fingertips can lead some people to engage in social-media stalking, which is not only a pointless time suck, but can also make you look like a crazy person, as Stolz learned the hard way. Once, while she was trying to look at her ex's Facebook profile, Stolz accidentally typed her name into the status bar instead of the search area. "I was doing at it under the table because I was at dinner with people, so I couldn't really tell what I was doing, but 20 minutes later my phone started ringing off the hook. That's when I realized that my Facebook status said, 'Kim Stolz is [my ex's name.]'"

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So what can you do? Stolz has a rule to unfriend or unfollow exes--and their friends--if their Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter makes her feel bad seven out of ten times that she looks at it. "I had a friend who was really close with one of my exes, and I noticed that I would get up and be in a great mood and then I would see a picture of them hanging out on Instagram, and I'd be insecure and sad the rest of the day. I unfollowed her, and I feel like I'm in a better place because of it."

Stolz also advocates having a social media talk when you get into a relationship. "You should talk about what's OK and what's not, because people have different views," she says. "I might think it's totally OK to friend one of my exes on Facebook, and my girlfriend might think that's dishonest and screwed up." Yes, it sounds like the lamest conversation on earth--I'd have the STD talk 25 times before I'd ever ask someone whose tweets I can fave--but it could save you some awkwardness in the future. "It's more embarrassing when you end up in a massive fight and someone sleeps on the couch because someone accepted someone else's friend request." Welcome to the brave new world.

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