I reached out to a Facebook friend whom I haven’t known in real life since middle school. This is one of my favorite things about Facebook! I love her posts and photos and wanted to tell her how I wish I knew her now. When she responded, she shared about having memories of being mean to me when we were children. She had high hopes that I didn’t have the same recollection. I didn’t remember her specifically ever being mean to me. It was a sweet exchange and felt healing, for both of us.
During the days following this exchange, I reflected on some painful memories from my childhood.
In elementary and middle school, there was a group of girls that I desperately wanted to be a part. I have a few very specific and vivid memories of their rejection of me. I have one particular memory of their hurtful bullying.
I already worked through this in therapy several years ago. These memories had worked their way into a painful strongbox in my core belief system about who I am. They held for me real experiences validating my deep wounds of unworthiness and inadequacy. I found a huge amount of relief and healing by releasing these specific memories to live in me with love and gratitude instead of locked up and guarded by pain and resentment.
Then, my recent interaction with this woman on Facebook reminded me that there is even more love and beauty here for us all. These memories include other people. Oh right, “Hello Ego!” In my mind, these other people were still mean little girls. In reality, these other people are grown women like me. And back then they were all in their own process of learning about love and life and who they are. My guess is that they were all desperate to be seen and loved and included just like me. They may have also been wrestling with their own versions of unworthiness and/or inadequacy.
Here is where I see the truth of them! I see their beauty and innocence. I can easily forgive these beautiful little girls.
In high school, in a new town, with different cool and beautiful girls, I found myself included in the circle. And, wouldn’t you know, my memories of my experiences are not much different. I felt constantly terrified of their rejection and bullying. Maybe worse, I felt hated by almost anyone who wasn’t considered a part of this little circle. And I blamed all those girls! In my adult reflections, I’m not sure that they ever did anything or said anything to hurt me at all. I did, however, project my feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, and inadequacy onto them.
Whew!
The circle of mean girls
With the matching coats
Who wouldn’t let me play with them
Who didn’t invite me to their parties
Who surrounded me and bullied me when I showed up unwanted
Who ended up being the beautiful monsters where I could place my self doubt, self hate, and even worse…
Their voices say, “Who do you think you are?”
And they are the perfect reasons for me to shrink into that fear that I really am not
Cool enough
Pretty enough
Fun enough
Good enough
I never did wear the right clothes
I never did say the coolest things
And I was desperate for them to see me
At a new school with a new circle of girls
With the matching coats
Only this time
I was invited
Without even having the coat
Or the clothes
And they became the new beautiful monsters where I could put my self doubt, self hate, and even worse…
Oh the voices were mean
And I’m not sure if those voices were coming from their mouths at all
Now in my adulthood, as I explore my relationships to women, my longing for girlfriends and sisters and feminine bonding, I see my patterns. I am reminded to notice that I am the common denominator in my experiences and to ask myself how I show up when I am with women.
Here is what I know now:
Not everyone will like me. Not everyone will want to invite me to their parties. This means nothing about my importance, my worthiness, or my goodness as a woman.
We are all allowed our preferences with who we want to be in relationship. We all have limits to our time and energy and get to choose where we focus these. And there are NO limits to how much love is available to anyone and we can all do better at remembering this always with our generous kindness and compassion.
When I assume that you are better than me, I can’t connect to you. I won’t let myself. So, I approach you with my shrunken self, closed heart, and fearful thoughts. Most women don’t feel safe to open up to that! Many keep their distance. Many put up their armor. And a few react in offense.
We are all equal in this Universe, connected as children of God, seeking each other’s love and acceptance in order to feel the connection that is always already here. Come to each other with this knowledge and experience the wisdom in each other’s presence!
When I am afraid of your judgment and rejection, I hide who I am and cover myself with what I think you might like. I’m good at this. I have stellar chameleon skills, so sometimes I can get in pretty close. This begins a relationship with an awkwardness that becomes harder and harder to correct. The discomfort of guarding my truth and hiding becomes painful for all of us.
We are all unique and beautiful expressions of God. We hunger and thirst for truth, authenticity and diversity. Come to each other as YOU with compassionate, curious open hearts and generosity of your extraordinary soul.
When I am holding blame and judgment towards the feminine in my past who hold the space for my beliefs that women don’t like me, women are cruel, women will hurt me, I create the very separation that I am so desperately fighting. It’s long overdue time to forgive the feminine in my life. Its time for me to see you all as my sisters, friends, lovers, and partners on this journey. I know you and you know me in precious and tender ways through our experiences as girls and women in this life. No need to hide, no need to shrink, no need to armor my heart.
To all those little girls and beautiful teens, I see you! I am so sorry for any pain that my withholding of love ever caused you. I forgive you for anytime that you couldn’t extend love to me.
To all the women you have become, I honor your journey and am so grateful for your place in mine.
I love you so!
Image courtesy of Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
