1. When people say, "Wow, you don't look gay." Really? Not even when I'm having sex with women? I feel like that's when I look my gayest.
2. People tell you you're too pretty to be gay. Oh, yes, because all straight people are attractive. Every single one of them! In fact they're so attractive that every straight person is attracted to every other straight person! They're that attractive!
3. You have to verbally tell people you're gay and it's a whole thing. You know your only option is to say, "Well, me and my girlfriend ..." and then clarify it's not a female friend. The whole process takes about an hour.
4. People think you're probably not really gay. What does this even mean? Is it like wearing a gay Halloween costume and the costume is your boobs on another girl's boobs?
5. When guys think they can "turn" you. Because if you don't look "like a guy" you must be super into dudes no matter what. Cool logic!
6. When you go to a gay bar you feel like you should wear a sign that says, "I promise I'm gay." I swear I am, really! I have references!
7. Your sexuality turns into something that's just for men and not for you or your partner. Guys love lesbian porn, but only when it's femme lesbian porn because then they can pretend you're both just doing this to turn him on. Gross/false.
8. People assuming your girlfriend is your friend. "Who's your friend?" "Oh, this is Katie. I've seen her vagina!"
9. When you can't tell your guy friends about your relationship problems because they'll just tell you to date them. "You should just be straight already." Oh, yes, what an option I had not previously considered. By the same token, have you considered being gay? Let's swap sexual orientations!
10. When people assume you only like butch women. Because one of you has to be the "man" and one has to be the "woman," right? Which doesn't even make sense because one of the biggest things about being a lesbian is that no one in the relationship is a man.
11. When you date butch women and people think it's because you're really into guys. If I dated someone dressed up as a sexy cat, it does not mean I want to have sex with cats. This comparison is gross but it totally works.
12. When guys ask if they can watch. No, you can't. No forever.
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Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and musician. She is the creator of the hit comedy show Tinder Live and author of the critically acclaimed book How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't. Moore is the front person and songwriter in the band It Was Romance, which has been praised everywhere from Pitchfork to Vogue. She has written for The Onion, The New Yorker, and was previously the Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan.
