Sex & Relationships

Divorcing couples follow Gwyneth’s lead and ‘consciously uncouple’

Last September, Doug French was running on the treadmill when he had a terrifying heart attack that landed him in the hospital for three days. Once he knew he’d be OK, though, his head began spinning at the recovery process ahead of him. He wouldn’t be able to drive for weeks, there would be new medications to monitor, plus he had two kids to take care of.

In March, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they were “consciously uncoupling” — divorcing amicably to benefit the future of their family.Colin Young-Wolff /Invision/AP

But by the time he was discharged, his ex-wife, Magda Pecsenye, a consultant, had already moved into his home, ready to help him and their sons.

“We feel like we’re family more than friends. It was like, ‘He’s family, of course I’m going to move in and take care of him, right?’ ” Pecsenye, 41, says.

“I feel very fortunate Magda is my ex-wife,” adds French, 48, the co-founder of the social media platform Dad 2.0 Summit. “It’s nice when you can be happy that the mother of your children is their mother and happier still that she’s not your wife anymore.”

Whether you call it amicable divorce, mediation or — if you’re Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who ended their 10-year marriage in March — “conscious uncoupling,” more people are taking a peaceful path to Splitsville.

Fewer than 5 percent of divorces today end up going to trial. In New Jersey, divorce attorneys are even required to advise their clients to try mediation or arbitration first — a big change from a decade ago when these rules weren’t in place. So, instead of leaving their fate up to a judge, most couples instead hash out custody agreements and divide assets with a professional mediator who acts as a neutral third party.

Mediators may have legal backgrounds and can work with each party’s lawyer or file paperwork on behalf of their clients, avoiding what can be a years-long court battle and sky-high legal fees. They can help come up with long-term plans for a family, with details such as where the kids will spend holidays and communication strategies (for example, will the exes text or email?).

Doug French jokes around with his friendly ex, Magda Pecsenye.Scott Stewart

Some mediators also have mental health backgrounds. New York-based June Jacobson is both a lawyer and a licensed clinical social worker who creates a calm environment for her clients — her walls are painted soothing shades of pinks, purples and blues and sometimes her Maltese poodle even sits in on the sessions.

“I was pretty aware of trying to create an environment that was soothing, peaceful, encouraging and comfortable, because I wanted to give support on the obvious level as well as the subtle level,” Jacobson says.

Parents, particularly, can relate to making the transition to two households as smooth as possible.

“It’s time for people to understand there’s a new way, a better way to divorce,” says New York- and New Jersey-based divorce mediator Vikki Ziegler, whose business is the subject of a Bravo reality series called “Untying the Knot,” which premiers June 4.

“People plan a wedding so carefully and meticulously and give themselves so much time, but they don’t prepare and strategize how to divorce peacefully and in a fair manner. But that is something people are starting to think more about. It’s a very new trend.”

Divorce mediator Vikki Ziegler helps Golan and Jen Feldman civilly end their 12-year marriage.Jeff Daly/Bravo

While some celebs take the amicable approach to a whole new level — musician Jack White and model Karen Elson threw a divorce party in 2011 — for many regular folks, it’s more about presenting a united front for the kids, as difficult as that can be when a relationship is falling apart.

“Rather than spouses, we’re co-partners in this business of raising the boys,” French explains. “We have a very mutual, very important goal that we share.”

When French and Pecsenye worked with a mediator to end their failing nine-year marriage in 2008, they moved from their tiny Gramercy Park two-bedroom to apartments eight blocks apart in Inwood, sharing custody of their 5- and 2-year-old boys 50-50. When Pecsenye got into business school in Michigan in 2011, French followed, knowing it would be the best for his relationship with their young kids. They got homes four blocks apart in Ann Arbor, Mich., and began blogging about co-parenting at whentheflamesgoup.com.

Pecsenye calls Paltrow’s terminology “insulting, because calling it ‘consciously uncoupling’ implies that the rest of us have been doing it unconsciously. And anyone who has been through divorce knows it takes a lot of work and a lot of thought.”

And, in fact, the theory isn’t a novel one. In 1976, sociologist Diane Vaughan, who now teaches at Columbia University, published “Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships,” on her “uncoupling theory” about mutually decided-upon divorces. And in 2009, marriage therapist Katherine Woodward Thomas coined the term “conscious uncoupling.”

Mira Tzur and Jacques Theraube are still close post-divorce.

“In a world where 50 percent of marriages end up in divorce, it’s really critical that we’re learning how to break up in the least destructive way — co-creating the future rather than staying stuck in the past,” says Melissa Erin Monahan, a New York-based therapist who studied under Thomas and teaches a five-session “conscious uncoupling” seminar.

Monahan works with both couples and individuals in hour-long sessions to “break the old painful pattern that has been sabotaging your love life,” and Thomas leads a similar course online.

But even those who may bristle at the flowery language can relate to the movement.

“I did it before you, Gwyneth,” “Big Bang Theory” star Mayim Bialik jokes to The Post. “I just didn’t call it that.

“I think what it means is acknowledging and doing things to support the fact that you are going to be tied to this person forever because of your incredible children that you chose to make,” explains Bialik, who split from husband Michael Stone last year. “If you put their needs first, what hopefully will result is this kind of conscious uncoupling.”

Exes Mayim Bialik and Michael Stone at a college basketball game earlier this year.Chris Williams/News.com

Bialik, 38, and Stone, 38, were married for almost a decade and have two young sons. Bialik says a quick and civil mediation process was their priority and, because of that, they’re able to interact cordially today — even spending some holidays together.

“We are part of a family together,” says the actress, who blogs about her divorce on Kveller.com. “Yeah, it’s super awkward sometimes. But there can be no other thing that’s better for the kids.”

In the premiere episode of “Untying the Knot,” 40-something New Yorkers Mira Tzur and Jacques Theraube don’t have kids together but want to remain friends after their split, so they enter mediation to decide who gets their Paris apartment, her yellow diamond engagement ring and a sentimental, wooden carved Buddha they bought on their honeymoon.

“He was my love. Nobody gets married to get a divorce,” model/actress Tzur says of her ex. “Eight years later, we saw things differently. He’s always going to be in my heart. [Our relationship] was always nice, [so] why should I end it differently?”

Theraube, owner of Fashion Strategies, an apparel sourcing and production company, had a positive mediation experience with his first wife, as well, and says once he and Tzur grew apart, he didn’t want to drag out the inevitable.

Jack White split amicably from ex Karen Elson in 2011.Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

“Some guys I know wanted to totally hurt their spouses and not give them money or the house. They do it from an ego standpoint — to say they win,” Theraube says. “I just wanted to move on with my life.”

Jacobson says mediation isn’t for everyone.

“It may not work if people are not willing to be in the room together, if they’re not producing the documents the other party is requesting, if there’s an obvious power imbalance that the mediator is not able to neutralize,” Jacobson says.

Michelle Crosby, co-founder and CEO of the website Wevorce.com, had a traumatizing experience at age 9, when she was called up to testify at her parents’ divorce trial. That inspired her to go to Harvard Law School to study alternative divorce models — like mediation and collaborative law.

Now, Crosby has a team of attorneys, mediators, financial planners and co-parenting experts who work with clients at offices around the country (they plan to open a New York office in the fall) or virtually.

“My philosophy is that divorce is not a legal problem, it just has legal implications,” Crosby says. “Much the same way as when you get married, you don’t start with your marriage certificate, you start with an engagement, you tell your family, you start mapping out your lives together and then you have a wedding and there’s this piece of paper. I believed the same thing should be done when you’re uncoupling.”

With additional reporting by Tricia Romano