Wouldn't it be nice if death came with a little book of instructions -- for the bereaved? Then people like you would know what to say/what not to say to the newly widowed the first time you meet after His death.
I know that it is painful to watch your daughter, your mother, your best friend suffer through the death of a soul mate. I know that you are hurting, too and that you secretly wish for a giant eraser to erase away all her pain. Would that you could, you'd kiss the booboo and make everything all better.
And now you can't understand why your loved one doesn't answer her telephone; you wonder why she doesn't return your phone calls? You've sent a bouquet of yellow roses, and now you're curious, why isn't there a thank you note in your mailbox?
You feel left out. You think you should be part of what the newly widowed is going through.
I'm here to remind you, Think again.
Even if you have suffered the death of a spouse and think you know what the newly widowed is experiencing, you don't.
Ask 10 widows what it's like to be a widow, and you will get 10 different answers.
Each widow's pain is different, as individual as a thumbprint. And just like a thumbprint, no two are alike.
While I can't change the circumstance surrounding your questions, I can offer 6 things to remember after His death. And if you cherish your relationship with the newly widowed, and I think you do, or you wouldn't be reading this, you will learn to accept what is before you as your loved one works through her grief:
1. Say nothing.
Unless you are asked a specific question, it is not necessary to speak one word. Not at this time.
For the newly widowed there are no words of comfort. For now, she is, temporarily, what I call, "numb and dumb."
Her husband has left. He is never coming back. And it takes time to process that.
When you see the newly widowed for the first time after His death, simply smile, extend your hand, and ask politely,"Can I give you a hug?"
Asking permission for a hug from the newly widowed is a positive stroke that will help her maintain focus. It will put her in control of a situation, reinforce her dignity, and guide her safely as she travels her long road to recovery.
2. Buy something.
If you're itching to buy the newly widowed a gift, please do. But enough with the flowers, fruit baskets, and potted plants, already. Think letter w. Think words, writing, wrapping. Then think widdle money, and dash to the store.
A work of poetry, a writing journal with a soft gel pen, a box of tissues -- Something to wipe away those tears -- White-laced writing paper wrapped in tissue paper, tied with wisps of ribbon, and left on the newly widowed's doorstep speaks loving kindness.
Ring the bell, if you must, but be brief.
Unless the newly widowed expects you, or invites you in for a cup of tea, do not linger. If you do step inside, please review #1 above, and #3 below.
3. Listen carefully.
Be an ear. Don't ask. Don't tell.
Think bobble head in rear car window.
Simply sitting quietly with your loved one after He's dead and buried, gives the newly widowed permission to grieve. It validates her thoughts and feelings, and helps her to mend her broken heart.
4. Be confidential.
If the newly widowed elects to confide in you, be proud. But please. Don't blab. Keep a secret.
5. Be specific.
By all means do offer to do something nice for the newly widowed. But don't say, "If there is anything I can do for you, please call."
Instead ask, "Can I drop off a chicken and potato dinner Tuesday evening at 6?"
And do it.
6. Be polite.
No matter how close you think you were to the newly widowed's dead husband, do not ask for His favorite pen, His gold watch, His any-thing. Ever.
If there was something DH (dead husband) wanted you to have, it will happen.
Making requests of the newly widowed taxes her energy and unfairly takes advantage of a woman when she is least able to make lifelong decisions.
Grief is personal and private. Can't go around it, can't go under or over it. You gotta go through it. Grief is also a single journey and the newly widowed must beat the bushes and blaze her path, alone. Much as you may want to shield the newly widowed from her pain, you can't.
So don't be offended if the newly widowed doesn't share her grief with you.
Just be patient. Be loving. Be kind. Be supportive. And remember my 6 things not for widows only outlined above. If you do, you may not understand what the newly widowed is going through, but you will learn to better accept it.
About Linda Della Donna
Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. She wants every widow to know that we're not alone.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/expert/Linda_Della_Donna/14903
