Greetings Red Knight,

You.

it’s me.

Me.

You know me as Red Zone, First Row Overlooking the King’s Balcony, Best Seats in the House, Looks Tired, Cheering.

I’m sure you can’t forget my previous visit to Medieval Times about two years ago when I wrote a review about it and made it all about myself, moms, and The Bachelor (Roses from MEDIEVAL KNIGHTS, ladies. Nuff said.) Full disclosure: I may have been cheering for the Red and Yellow Knight. When I received an email inviting me back — by what I can only imagine was the King’s direct order — I didn’t hesitate for a second and reported back two weeks ago.

Let’s tackle the pink elephant in the room first. I didn’t get the rose. Again. And by The Rose I mean all twenty of them. Didn’t get ’em. And you know what? That’s okay, no biggie, it’s not like I came here for the rose ceremony or practiced my “I dos” beforehand. Not at all. I was accompanied by a three and six-year-old and a mature gentleman, that the production is currently looking into by reviewing the contents of my cell phone and our texts. They won’t find anything. I mean it’s not like I married him AFTER I’d met you. Anyways, the three mentioned individuals with me were all over the battles and I kind of got into it too and almost forgot what I was, I mean wasn’t, there for. I mean the rose.

Horses.

Don’t know him.

While you were busy pretending that nothing’s happening between us, I feasted on some delicious tomato soup with garlic bread and some of the best corn and potatoes I’ve tasted in a while. The three gentlemen sitting next to me were loving the flight of the falcon and the dancing horse. That’s the impression I got, anyway, because I actually don’t know them. At all.

Falcon.

If I were asked to write a review about my experience I’d tell everyone that I can see Medieval Times as a really fun experience for couple or any sort of group gathering scenario whether it’s a family outing, birthday party with friends or a work event, a ladies night out or even date night, but we’re not here to talk reviews, are we, Red Knight.

If I continue not receiving roses from knights I may have to align myself with the scary, curly villain with the booming voice and the three-year old gentleman sitting on my lap would certainly not like that. Just sayin’. Something for you to chew on. Like a Medieval Times drumstick.

Don’t mess with him.

To shelter other ladies from the aggravation that someone ELSE not receiving a rose might experience (because I’m clearly over this and not dwelling) I’ve come up with a plan — by the way, this part is not for you, Red Knight — on how to earn yourself one:

• You may want to clue the knight in on the seriousness of your intention (that being to coyly accept the rose while proclaiming “I DO!!!!”) by standing up, spreading your arms wide and reaching them out, slightly bending your knees in readiness to catch. It helps if you also point two thumbs at yourself. Kind of sets the expectations clear.
• You may want to be celebrating your 5^th birthday dressed up in a princess gown with a hoop.
• You may want to check your teeth for corn.
• Consider switching seats with someone who’s not sitting next to your husband.

That’s all I’ve got.

This part is not for you either, Red Knight (see what that feels like?): to maximize your enjoyment of the experience show up at least ½ an hour prior to the beginning of the show as you will be lining up and participating in some pre-show fun. Do not purchase swords for any young gentlemen sitting beside you, because they may want to follow you home and this will happen.

I was going to renew my Pic Monkey membership so I could use the eye bag remover, but then I decided that my wrinkles beautifully capture the story of my life, my little joys and sorrows and allow my inner beauty to shine. Also Pic Monkey had a glitch whenever I clicked ‘renew’.

Settle for a shield or a horse shaped cup.

**

So, ladies, who wants to go to Medieval Times in Toronto? Just in time for Family Day or Valentine’s Day, I’ve got two tickets to the Toronto Castle! All you have to do is follow IAMTHEMILK’s Facebook page and leave a comment with your name under the Medieval Times thread. If you want to feel free to share how you’ll use the tickets (take my son out for his birthday, surprise my mom, go on a Valentine’s Day date with my wife). I’ll be drawing names , will film the draw and post it to announce the winners next Thursday in my page. I will tag you on the post so you don’t miss the announcement.

Huzzah!

(I don’t know, it seemed appropriate)

P.S. Thanks so much for the invite, Medieval Times Toronto. You rock.