TheCritique Archives

by Martin Odoni

Please note: If you haven’t heard the original version of this very, very famous old joke before, it has been popular in Russia for decades, and there are many variants of it. You can witness an animated version of it on YouTube, and a pre-Mikhail-Gorbachev version is available to read here. This is an adaptation to reflect the ideological stupidities of the various Tory leaders of the last forty years.

Edward Heath, Margaret Thatcher, John Major, William Hague, Iain Duncan-Smith, Michael Howard and David Cameron are all travelling together in a railway carriage through the open countryside. Unexpectedly, the engine shudders and splutters, and the train grinds to a stop. They look at each other in consternation, and immediately start trying to work out how to get the train moving again.

Cameron suggests: "Let’s cajole the directors of the train company with a tax cut, and hope that they respond by fixing the rails." So they award the directors of the train company a tax cut, but the train doesn’t start moving.

Howard answers, “There must be too many passengers on board. Let’s impose a strict quota on the number of foreigners that are allowed to use the British rail network!” So they impose a strict quota on the number of foreigners that are allowed to use the British rail network, but the train doesn’t start moving.

Then Hague puts his head out of the window and shouts, "Let’s promise the driver that we’ll keep the Pound if he gets us to the next station!" So they promise the driver that they’ll keep the Pound if he gets them to the next station, but the train doesn’t start moving.

Major speaks up, suggesting, "Let’s threaten the driver with an increase of VAT on rail fares for all journeys that don’t reach their destination on time." So they threaten the driver with an increase of VAT on rail fares for all journeys that don’t reach their destination on time, but the train doesn’t start moving.

Thatcher then shouts, "Let’s send in the police to beat up the driver repeatedly until he agrees to get the train moving again!" So they send in the police to beat up the driver repeatedly, but still the train doesn’t move.

Heath then says, "Chaps, dear lady, we should extend the period over which the driver is educated in how to control a train by two years." So they extend the period over which the driver is educated in how to control a train by two years. But still, the train doesn’t start moving.

Then Duncan-Smith chimes in. "We don’t have to do any of that to get the train moving! The train is still moving! IT IS!!! It is my earnest belief that this train is still moving……."