Texas Rising: American history as reimagined by the Tea Party

What’s the name of the show? Texas Rising

When does it premiere? On Memorial Day, Monday 25 May at 9pm EST. The second part of the 10-hour miniseries airs the following night at the same time. The rest air on the next three Mondays.

What is this show? It’s a retelling of the early history of Texas and their war of independence from Mexico. You know, when the Texas Rangers killed Mexicans and Native Americans so that they could join these great United States of America.

Does that mean there are a lot of battles? Not really. It’s mostly just dudes hanging around in grubby-looking clothing in front of tents talking about how awful Mexicans and Comanches are.

What’s the show’s pedigree? Hatfields and McCoys and Walker, Texas Ranger writer Leslie Grief wrote the screenplay. Roland Joffé, who was nominated for Oscars for The Killing Fields and The Mission (but got his start on Coronation Street) directs.

What happens in the premiere? It starts in 1836 and Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie and others have just died at the Alamo.

Wait, the Alamo isn’t in this movie? No. Just the burning rubble when it’s done.

Why wasn’t the one event of Texas history that everyone knows about included in this movie? I’m assuming because it would have been too expensive to film.

What parts of Texas history do they show? In the premiere Sam Houston (Bill Paxton) is trying to gather the disparate factions of the Texas rebellion to strike back against Mexican general Santa Anna (Olivier Martinez) for the destruction of the Alamo. Not only does he have to keep his troops in check, he has to conspire with the head of the Texas Rangers Deaf Smith (Jeffrey Dean Morgan, but his first name rhymes with “reef” which is strange because the man is also deaf, which seems like some mean Texas nickname joke). There is an Indian raid against the female survivors of the Alamo, which the Rangers intercept and save all the ladies, bringing them back to camp. After a lot of dithering and boring discussion of military tactics, Houston gives his troops a rousing speech and we are off to the next stage of their conquest.

Is this show any good? Not at all, but it’s almost sure to be a hit as it falls right within History Channel’s red-state wheelhouse. Just as they’ve seen Hatfields and McCoys and The Bible draw record numbers (and a couple of Emmys), this probably will too, appealing directly to the libertarian and conservative sensibilities of the macho-man demographic that tunes into the channel.

That said, both of those other movies are better than this one, which boasts atrocious dialogue, poor characterisation and mechanical acting. It’s like watching a historical re-enactment done by robots at the Texas pavilion of the Epcot Center, were Texas actually its own country rather than a state wishing it was a sovereign nation. The action is dreadfully slow-moving. Rather than thrilling battle scenes, we mostly see people clowning around on a campsite as if they’re in a salsa commercial.

The cardinal sin of Texas Rising is that it is just dreadfully boring. There is a whole lot of talking but next to no doing. A handful of conflicts are over too soon and too small in scope for an epic production such as this. History Channel is doing very well making big, grand spectacles. They should really invest the money to do them properly, or at least pay for a screenwriter who can bring some kind of dramatic vision to the table rather than just rehashing history textbook-style.

Which characters will you love? Adam Hicks and Dillon Lane play Truett Fincham and Yancey Burns, the series’ sorry attempts at comic relief. While they’re not funny, out of this whole bean stew of characters, these slightly incompetent rascals carry the only bit of charm this show has to offer.

Which characters will you hate? There is a large cast of usually great actors including Brendan Fraser, Ray Liotta, Thomas Jane, Chad Michael Murray, Crispin Glover, Rob Murrow, and Kris Kristofferson as President Andrew Jackson. But none of the characters exude any sort of individuality at all. In fact, by the end of the first two hours, you will hardly know anyone’s name, their place in the hierarchy, or their contributions to the cause. The scenes where they are trying to establish character (like Sam Houston pissing in a pot in full view of his lieutenants) are so heavy-handed that they will render more eye-rolls than engagement.

What’s the best thing about it? The costumes, sets, and period details seem authentic and well rendered, at least by television miniseries standards. This is not the stuck-in-the-mud realism of a western like Deadwood, but the production design is so well done you don’t doubt the period setting for a second. The use of the natural landscape of Texas is also the best advertisement for the state I’ve seen since the opening credits of Dallas.

What’s the worst thing about it? This movie isn’t just bad – the politics are dubious too. Perhaps to cater to History’s conservative audience, it plays to a modern sensibility that might not actually be that close to the truth. After all, Texas Rising is a movie that glorifies the campaigns of white settlers in land that technically belongs to Mexico and was initially settled by Native Americans. There is not an inkling of post-colonial reflection about what that means in the great scope of history. The line between good guys and bad guys is drawn as simply and thoughtlessly as it is in a backyard game of Cowboys and Indians. Essentially this movie is about a band of militiamen doing what they think is best for the country and kicking a bunch of Mexicans out of Texas, something that is still happening today.

Should you watch this show? Millions of other people will, so you shouldn’t bother.