Should I befriend my children and their pals online?

children online
There are things you wouldn’t want your offspring to know about your life, says Victoria Lambert – perhaps they deserve a little privacy too. Louise Findlay-Wilson (pictured) chooses not to follow her children online   Credit: John Lawrence

Our children love their social media: Ofcom reports that 80 per cent of 11-15 year olds have smartphones and spend more than half the time they are online chatting and sharing pictures on Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat. We parents are not so enthusiastic. Social media may keep our children connected, and can help them feel less isolated. It can also be creative and fun, but it is awash with potential for social exclusion, 
 embarrassment, and grooming too.

Recent research has even helped rank which social media sites are worst for teenagers and young adults. 
According to the Royal Society for Public Health and the charity Young Health Movement, Instagram and Snapchat are the most likely to leave your adolescent worrying about their body image, concerned that they are missing out, unable to sleep, and feeling bullied.

No wonder then that some parents join the same sites as their children and befriend them – and, in turn, their friends – so they can keep an eye on what is being said or done. It’s the responsible thing to do, right?

Fiona Watts, a 46-year-old diversity consultant from Surrey and mother of two, had assumed that when her eldest boy, James, turned 13 later this summer and got a Facebook account she would follow that course of action. But a few weeks ago, her view changed when some of James’s school friends 
appeared online as potential pals – and one suggested they connect.

computer
Ofcom reports that 80 per cent of 11-15 year olds have smartphones and spend more than half the time they are online chatting and sharing pictures on Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat Credit: Per Breiehagen

“The idea horrified me,” she says. “I’m not even friends with my husband on Facebook – it’s my space to rant about politics, to post risqué memes and to share photos with friends from the days when we used to dance on 
 tables. “I don’t want my son’s friends to know that side of me or see my private life, and I certainly don’t want James or his brother, Ben, to do so. What if it was one of those days when you let off steam, and say ‘the kids are driving me mad’? That could be hurtful to them.”

Fiona says she understands the 
argument that it is useful for parents to see what their children are doing 
online, so she has decided to create a second Facebook page (as herself but without posting content) from which she can befriend the boys – and keep an eye on them.

“I am his mum, not his friend,” she says. “I think if he had access to my moments of bad behaviour then that relationship would change. I don’t want to lose the ability to be me or to be a mum.”

Sarah Buglass, a lecturer in psychology at Nottingham Trent University, agrees with Fiona that parental privacy is important. “If you are connecting to your children’s friends you can see what they are getting up to, but the 
reverse is also true and can lead to the 
authoritarian role of a parent being 
compromised.”

But is it hypocritical for parents to keep parts of their own lives private while monitoring their offspring’s comings and goings? Do children have a right to privacy online too?

Richard Pursey, chief executive of SafeToNet, an online safety software developer, says: “Consider how you would have felt if you were 12 years old and writing a diary and your parents decided to read it. You’d hate it! Social networks are essentially modern-day diaries and photo albums.”

Louise Findlay-Wilson, who runs her own agency, Energy PR in 
 Gloucestershire, has four children – William, 23; Liza, 20; Angus, 17; and Henry, 15. “Social media has always been part of their lives, but they are 
relaxed about it. Henry isn’t on 
Facebook or Twitter and doesn’t feel a need to be.”

She says her children would be “mortified” if she tried to be friends with them online. “I don’t want to 
police them or masquerade as a friend when I am a parent. They have a right to privacy. I wouldn’t open their mail, and I wouldn’t look at their phones 
either. But I’m aware that I’m lucky,” she adds.

“I can understand why parents do it if their children are anxious or have been bullied or suffered peer pressure in some way. If I had a child who was withdrawn, I would want to know what was going on in all aspects of their life.”

Parents who do follow their 
offspring online may not see a “true” picture of their child anyway. “It’s a 
little pointless,” says Richard Pursey.

 

“Kids are on so many social networks, and act differently on each one. On Facebook, where they’re probably friends with mum and dad, or know their future employer may see their posts, they take a lot more caution in what they publish and don’t necessarily show their true self. On something like Snapchat, where it’s more private if they want it to be and the message won’t be as permanent, they can be more risky and sociable.”

Even when parents can see what their children are saying online, whether they understand it is another matter. “Children have their own digital language that mixes text with emoji and images,” says Richard. “Parents typically have no idea what they are reading and cannot ‘translate’ that youth-culture speak.

“Also, kids go ‘underground’ the moment they think parents are snooping. For example, P911 means ‘parent alert’, CD9 means ‘parents are around’, 420 means weed, 182 means ‘I hate you’, 143 is ‘I love you’, and so on.

“Conversations happen across multiple platforms. You might see the start of one on one platform, and it will often continue on another. Unless you can contextualise and link all threads, you are likely going to miss the point or misinterpret it.

“You have no way of identifying who the sender is. You might see their 
 profile name but that doesn’t mean they are who they say they are. 
 Children know how to hide apps on their device too – how do you know you are seeing everything?”

He warns that children are often far more clued-up than parents, and quite capable of running two accounts: one that is acceptable to parents, and another for a select few friends.

Louise suggests the answer lies 
offline as much as online. “Get to know your children. Talk to them so you can pick up if they are happy or not. Make sure there is plenty of communal time – just being around the house. The more you do together, the more open they will be with you.”     

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