How to Choose Friends and Influence People

When it comes to choosing which people you want to surround yourself with – in the office or outside of the workplace – the best thing to remember is this: If they will do it with you, they will do it to you.

Most of us could probably cite instance after instance where someone we trusted burned us, bad.

The high school bestie that told our secrets to someone else. The person that took credit for our great idea. The boss that got the credit – and the glory – for our hard work.

The question you should ask yourself is this: Did they really pull one over on you, or did you simply fail to believe them when they showed you who they were, the first time?

Often, people who violate trust don’t just do it once, they do it over and over. They perceive it as a way to wield power, get ahead or look good. And when the behavior is rewarded with some kind of payoff – from the shock value of delivering up gossip or spilling secrets to the praise and admiration of unsuspecting superiors or customers – it gets repeated.

What’s worse, these types of people often appear popular because they collect people – often surrounding themselves with followers who act almost as agents, bringing them new information in return for feeling important and valued for a few minutes.

Their version of The Golden Rule seems to be to “Do bad things to others before they do them to you,” rather than to behave toward others as you would have them to do you.

Chances are that at this point, you have narrowed that list of times you’ve been burned at work down to one or two really strong examples of people who fit this description (and hopefully it’s not you!)

Remember these 3 Key Rules for Choosing Friends and Influencing People


1. Believe it when people show you who they are, the first time.

While no one is perfect, some imperfections are more destructive than others. Whether choosing who you will trust or spend time with on the job or in your personal life, learn how to spot individuals who spread gossip, share secrets, tell little white lies, never share credit or seem to be able to pawn off work on others.

You may not be able to separate yourself from these types of individuals completely, but you should set healthy boundaries for yourself; because:

2. If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.

Sooner or later, this type of destructive behavior will backfire in some way. Often, it puts you into the position of a victim of the same behaviors or the one left holding the bag when negative consequences follow. Whatever the short term payoffs of being in the inner circle of these “players,” it’s not going to be worth it in the end. And finally,

3. Be the change you want to see in the world.

It’s not always easy to take a stand.

It’s not always easy – or even possible – to call out people for destructive behaviors (especially if those people happen to be the boss).

Have you ever heard the phrase, "opposites attract?" It's not necessarily true!

When it comes to the people that we associate with at work or outside of work, we will usually rise to the level of our own dysfunction. We will attract other people - and feel most comfortable spending time with people - who are of the same character and caliber as we are.

You can influence others by being the type of employee – follower – leader – person that you want to see in the world. Those around you might be waiting for someone else to take the lead in improving the culture for everyone.

***

Elizabeth Kraus is the marketing manager of business cash advance and receivables factoring company DB Squared and the author of From Beginning to End: 2014 Small Business Marketing Calendar, available on amazon.com.

Huda El Sayed

Senior Projects Manager (PMO) at ALEXBANK

9y

"When people show you who they are believe them THE FIRST TIME"

Dennis Bridges

Principal at E. Dennis Bridges, CPA

9y

Another excellent piece, Elizabeth! Having been fortunate to have my own business for 25 years, I've come to realize that office culture is just as important with a smaller firm or professional practice as with a multi-billion dollar business. My son-in-law to be found this to be true in his job search. Fortunately, he found an outstanding company with about 80 employees that embodies your "rules". A few years ago, I had the pleasure of a personal tour of the Randall-Reilly Publishing Company in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. There was a huge sign in their warehouse area that said, "We hire for Character, and train for Excellence!" I've had the pleasure of working with a number of their team members, and it's very obvious they subscribe to your rules as well. It has to be a genuine, committed effort, however. Simply rendering lip service won't do the trick.

sherman beam

Experienced Independent Contractor, Entrepreneur, Delivery Agent

9y

Very good post Elizabeth! Every independent contractor needs to read this!

To view or add a comment, sign in

Insights from the community

Explore topics