Who's that girl? The famous faces gracing music videos … and those best forgotten

Most people mark their pregnancies by posting a grainy scan photo on Facebook and going to the toilet more than usual. Not Natalie Portman. Her lasting record of pregnancy is now a gorgeous black and white video – the video to James Blake track My Willing Heart – where she swims underwater in slow motion. But as well as being a beautiful way to commemorate a moment in time, the film also secures Portman in the pantheon of great celebrity music videos. Let’s look at some more, and – just in case that’s boring – let’s also look at some rubbish ones.

The five best

Beastie Boys – Make Some Noise

Seth Rogen, Danny McBride and Elijah Wood play 1980s-era Beastie Boys, terrorising the likes of Rashida Jones, Will Arnett, Rainn Wilson, Jason Schwartzman, Mary Steenburgen, Ted Danson, Amy Poehler, Steve Buscemi, Chloë Sevigny, Maya Rudolph, Kirsten Dunst, David Cross, Orlando Bloom, Will Ferrell, John C Reilly and Jack Black. The video is taken from a 29-minute film which culminates in the actual Beastie Boys (dressed as police officers) arresting the young Beastie Boys and the contemporary Beastie Boys (played by Will Ferrell, John C Reilly and Jack Black) for urinating on each other during a dance-off.

Fatboy Slim – Weapon of Choice

Although the video ends with him swan-diving off a hotel balcony and swooping through the lobby like a bird, the most spectacular thing about this video is the sight of Christopher Walken – intense, serious actor Christopher Walken – dancing around like his life depends on it. The man is an athlete, and you will never be as cool as he is.

Jenny Lewis – Just One of the Guys

While the video begins with Anne Hathaway, Kristen Stewart and Brie Larson indulging in some relatively uninspired Addicted To Love-style instrument playing, it really kicks into gear when they all don tracksuits and moustaches and begin bro-ing out as aggressively as they can. Kristen Stewart in particular makes for a stunningly believable douchey man-boy.

Carly Rae Jepsen – I Really Like You

True, this video is just Tom Hanks lip-synching to a Carly Rae Jepsen single. But what makes it great is that it’s Tom Hanks lip-synching to a Carly Rae Jepsen single. There isn’t a single frame of this where Hanks isn’t having the biggest blast of his life. It’s infectious.

Badly Drawn Boy – Pissing in the Wind

Joan Collins has a bath. Joan Collins paints her toenails. Joan Collins puts some makeup on, eats some ice cream and goes to a party. That’s all that really happens in this video, and yet it arguably counts as one of her greatest ever performances. A funny, ridiculously touching tearjerker.

The worst

Jennifer Lopez – Jenny from the Block

Gigli came out one year after Jenny From the Block but, in retrospect, all the waning signs were already in place. This is a music video about how famous Jennifer Lopez is, and how much Ben Affleck enjoys touching her bottom on boats. That’s it.

Pink – Trouble

Trouble is quite a good song and its video – where Pink goes to the old west and beats everyone up – is actually quite a good video. But who’s that fellow in the tight black T-shirt, looking for all the world like he’s trying to slow-work through a particularly gruelling bout of constipation? Why, it’s none other than Jeremy Renner, putting in some early work for his role as least-liked Avenger.

Meat Loaf – Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through

I wonder how much money Angelina Jolie would pay to have this video permanently erased from the internet. Directed by Michael Bay, it sees Jolie playing a teenage runaway who finds herself comforted in an uncomfortably sexual way by Meat Loaf, a fortune teller with the ability to make things explode for no real reason. This video is the second most embarrassing thing in Angelina Jolie’s life, after her friendship with William Hague.

Stone Temple Pilots – Sour Girl

Forget the fact that this video is so 1990s that you can practically smell the CK One honking out of it. Forget the fact that the song has “worst ever Guitar Hero level” written all over it. No, for the purposes of this article just focus on Sarah Michelle Geller, done up like a sort of emo geisha, who spends the duration of the video listlessly rubbing Scott Weiland’s face like she’s trying to find a hidden latch.

Devendra Banhart – Carmensita

And, finally, back to Natalie Portman. It’s easy to see the James Blake video as an overcorrection to this one, that she made with then boyfriend Devendra Banhart. The video’s crimes are numerous, but they include empty arthouse posturing, gormless surrealism, pointless viscera, creating an unfortunate permanent record of a doomed relationship and really quite iffy cultural appropriation.