I returned to riding about a year ago after a two-year break following the loss of my equine soulmate. Since then, through the generosity of a wonderful “barn family,” I’ve had the opportunity to enjoy many wonderful, and very different, horses. I’ve discovered something to love about each one, and each has taught me its own lessons. Mostly what I’ve learned is that the horses fall into one of three basic categories: The Pleaser, The Persnickety One and The Laz-E-Boy.

This is how their internal dialog goes on any given day:

The Pleaser

Oh, you’re here! I’m so glad to see you. I have been waiting for you all day!

Let’s go for a ride!

I will do perfect flattings and perfect jumpings, and you shall praise me and give me treats.

Also, I am very handsome.

I love being groomed!

Yes, brush my face; I love it when you brush my face!

Picking up my feet for you is so much fun.

I adore it when you fly spray me.

Oh yes, the bit! That’s my favorite part!

I will stand perfectly still at the mounting block while you shorten your stirrups, adjust the girth, check Facebook on your phone, and put your gloves on.

Also, I am very handsome.

 

I shall proudly execute my sweeping walk for you all the way to the arena.

I love to trot! My trot is a thing of pure beauty. All the other riders shall envy us. Let me show you.

We’re collecting! Now we’re extending! Oh, this is a great day!

Canter? Allow me. I will figure the leads out for you. Please, just sit and enjoy my awesomeness.

Also, I am very handsome.

 

Jumping is my favorite thing!

Do not worry if you don’t see a distance; I will fix it for you.

Left behind? That’s OK. You will learn. I will teach you.

Also, I am very handsome.

 

We’re done? So soon? I was having so much fun doing the counter canter and leg yielding.

But, your wish is my command.

Oh, you’re out of carrots?

That’s OK.

Carrying you proudly is reward enough for me.

Please come back soon! I can’t wait to work again!

Also, I am very handsome.

 

The Laz-E-Boy

Oh.

I didn’t see you there.

You’re back again already?

Didn’t we just ride yesterday?

We’re not riding again today, are we?

That sounds like hard work.

I need to conserve my energy.

 

You’re grooming me again?

But, you groomed me yesterday. I still look the same.

Why are you poking me?

Move over?  That is not easy. Do you know how big I am?

I’m fine standing right here. You can work around me.

Now why are you poking me?

Pick up my foot? That is not easy. Do you know how big I am?

Here.

You hold it up.

I hope you don’t mind if I back up and lean my butt against the wall.

Grooming is hard work.

I need to conserve my energy.

 

Yes, this is as fast as I can walk.

We will get to the arena eventually.

Walking is hard work.

I need to conserve my energy.

 

We trotted yesterday. Are you sure you want to do it again?

Are you sure you want to do it again?

Are you really sure you want to do it again?

 

I guess we’re doing it again.

Are we done yet?

Trotting is hard work.

I need to conserve my energy.

 

Canter? But I just cantered yesterday.

Well, I guess I can do a few steps.

Are we done yet?

All the way around the ring?

Are we done yet?

Each direction?

Are we done yet?

Flatwork is hard.

We’re done, right?

 

Um, we’re heading for a fence.

Excuse me, I said there’s a fence in our way.

Helloooo, we are going to run over that fence.

 

Good thing I knocked all the poles down.

As you can see, there was a fence in my way.

I almost had to jump it.

We’re done, right?

That was hard work.

I will need extra oats tonight.

I should probably also rest for a few days.

 

You might want to try the gelding next to me.

He always wants to go for a ride.

Also, he says he is very handsome.

 

The Persnickety One

I’m eating my lunch. What do you want?

 

We’re grooming? That’s lovely. I like to be beautiful.

That brush tickles me. Please use a softer one.

Do not brush my face. Nobody touches my face.

The gelding next to me offends me. Please take him away.

Kindly pay attention to what you’re doing. You are missing all my itchy spots.

You’re picking up my feet in the wrong order.

You are not very good at this.

Perhaps you should take some grooming lessons.

 

Walk? Certainly. I have a lovely walk.
Of course I’m not walking straight. You’re sitting all lopsided.

Of course I’m bulging. You’re bending me funny.

I would do a lovely walk if you would just be still.

 

Well, don’t just sit there. I need SOME direction from you.

 

Oh yes, let’s trot. I have a perfect trot.

Of course I’m trotting sideways, your left leg is farther back than your right leg.

Of course my head is up in the air; your hands are bouncing.

Of course I’m trotting too fast; your seatbones are annoying me.

I would do a lovely trot if you would just be still.

 

Well, don’t just sit there like a potted plant. I can’t do ALL of the work.

You’re not very good at this.

Perhaps you should take some riding lessons.

 

Yes, yes, let’s canter! All you have to do is ask, and I shall give you a beautiful canter departure.

You’re not doing it right.

You’re not doing it right.

You’re still not doing it right.

This is the lead you asked for. Make up your mind.

 

Well of course I keep swapping leads. You keep shifting your seat bones.

I would do a lovely canter if you would just be still.

 

Well, of course I broke to the trot. You didn’t tell me to keep cantering.

 

You’re not very good at this.

Perhaps you should take some riding lessons.

 

Jump? Of course!

I will happily jump. I have a beautiful jump. There is nothing I cannot jump.

Just point me at a fence.

 

Not that one.

 

Of course I didn’t jump it; you did not support me with you leg.

Of course I didn’t jump it, you did not support me with your hand.

I’m certainly not jumping it if you keep looking down.

I could do a lovely jump if you would just be still.

 

Well if you don’t want me to buck on the landing side, do not get left behind.

 

I have an idea.

Get off.

You do not seem to be very good at this.

Why don’t you come back after you’ve had some riding lessons?

There is a gelding across from me who would be happy to help you.

He has a tolerance for this sort of thing.

Also, he thinks he is very handsome.

After years of trying to fit in with corporate America, Jody Lynne Werner decided to pursue her true passion as a career rather than a hobby. So now, she’s an artist, graphic designer, illustrator, cartoonist, web designer, writer and humorist. You can find her work on her Misfit Designs Cafepress site. Jody is one of the winners of the Chronicle’s first writing competition. Her work also appears in the annual Amateur Issue print editions of The Chronicle of the Horse. 

Read all of Jody’s humor columns for www.coth.com here.