Birthmother's Share Their First Hand Experiences with Open Adoption

There are many important conversations to be had when discussing open adoption, including that of the wellbeing of the individuals creating an adoption plan for their child—birthparents. With Birthmother’s Day (the day before Mother’s Day) quickly approaching it was time to delve deeper into this topic. By hearing from actual birthparents about their experiences with their adoption plan and support groups, as well as a scientific exploration of why a strong support system is crucial in an open adoption we are doing just that.

Birthmother’s Share Their First Hand Experiences with Open Adoption

Heather, an AFTH birthmother, on her open adoption
I was pregnant and because of the situation I was in I couldn’t handle another baby and I turned to the AFTH Chesapeake office. Because of the laws in Virginia, I ended up disappointing an adoptive family when the birthfather wouldn’t sign away his rights at first. After some time and some hard situations, I was able to choose another family, a same-sex couple this time, and place my son with them. I am so grateful for open adoption. At first I experienced some guilt about placing, but overall I am grateful that my son has such a full life and that I can still be a part of it. It was the best and hardest decision I have ever made.

Tabitha, an AFTH birthmother, on Birthmother’s Day and her support group experience
Being a mother prior to placing, I had never known about Birth Mother’s Day. And so the first year after placement, I really wanted to be validated in my choice and to be recognized that day.

The support groups are amazing for me! They let me know that I am NOT alone in this process and everyone has different ways of dealing and healing from the grief. More often, I am the one who has the longest placement and the other ladies are pretty new to the process or are still in a raw state of emotion. I get it, I’ve been there (sometimes I’m still there) and I cherish that I am able to be there for someone to lean on during those moments, making them aware that they are NOT alone. I truly enjoy these times with these special, beautiful and courageous women.

Stephanie, an AFTH birthmother, on attending her first support group
When I was first told that an ongoing support group would be offered to me after placing my daughter for adoption, I pushed the idea away. I felt like it was something I could never do. The adoption was hard enough to come to terms with myself, or to even discuss with people who knew me. How could I sit in a room full of strangers and try to explain myself and my decision? I knew I wanted some kind of therapy after the adoption took place, but I wasn’t sure that a group setting was right for me. I was dealing with a lot of guilt and embarrassment and couldn’t fathom putting that out there for other people, other women to hear and see and judge. I was very skeptical about whether or not it was the right thing for me and how soon I would be ready.

Then I had my daughter and placed with her new family. I received an invitation in the mail a month after I placed her, inviting me to a meeting that was only a month away. I didn’t want to go at all, but I knew deep down that I needed to go. I reluctantly RSVP’d. I dreaded it and looked forward to it at the same time, knowing it was out of my comfort zone. My feet and heart were heavy when I walked into my first meeting, which was only 2 months after I placed my daughter. I was a ball of nerves with a pocket full of tissues. I kept telling myself I wasn’t ready to talk, but I thought hearing other stories could be helpful. I teared up as soon as I walked in the room and saw the other women who had done the same thing I did. It made adoption even more real for me, if that’s possible. It helped me realize that it affects many women from all walks of life and that I wasn’t the only one struggling with it.

The meeting ended up going very smoothly, but I did use all my tissues and then some. I told my whole story at my first meeting, teary eyes, trembles and all. And now, I actually find myself looking forward to them very much, to the point of wishing they were more often. I know that if I didn’t force myself to that first meeting, I wouldn’t be attending them today. I have come to realize that nothing helps more than telling my story from start to finish, over and over again. There are always new girls at the meetings, and it makes me feel good to know that they might pull some strength or hope from my story. The support groups force me to address my emotions, recognize my progress, and come to terms with making the best decision for my daughter. I hold my support group friends very dear to me. I trust them with a big part of my heart, and they trust me with theirs. I love that my support group isn’t just for receiving support, but also giving it. Showing up to my group is just as much for the other women, as it is for me.

Read more about birthparents in open adoptions and how a little support can go a long way via AFTH’s blog post:

https://afth.wordpress.com/2015/03/04/birth-parents-in-open-adoptions-and-the-importance-of-ongoing-support/