The greatest gift: How to boost your child's self-esteem?
OF all the things to give your child, robust self-esteem can be the most life-changing. Our writer consults the confidence experts.
You’d never think it from the confident swagger of endless pouting selfies on Instagram, but children’s self-esteem is at an all-time low. Research among more than 7,000 children published recently by the think-tank NPC shows that self-esteem and happiness start falling aged 11 and descend rapidly between 13 and 14, especially for girls.
Of course, teenagers were never known as the happiest of beings, thanks to the swirling hormones that puberty brings. But experts believe the confidence of this generation is being knocked by a mixture of busy parents with high expectations and the pressures of modern technology.
“The forces undermining children now are incessant,” says Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, author of Self-Esteem for Girls and Self-Esteem for Boys (both Vermilion, £6.99). “Girls, particularly, are like sandcastles – one minute they are standing tall but then the waves of self-doubt lap away at their foundations.”
A mother’s own confidence is key to her daughter’s self-esteem
The good news is, parents can help shore up their child’s self-esteem. “You can’t stop the stuff that’s going to come at them during the teenage years – academic pressures, body changes, social networking – but if you’ve spent some time building up their ‘core’ self-esteem, they will be more resilient,” says Shelley Davidow, author of Raising Stress-Proof Kids (Exisle, £12.95). Here’s what to do…
Develop their skills
True self-esteem comes from mastering a skill – whether it’s sewing, blogging or volleyball. We should help our children to find things they’re passionate about. Keep suggesting activities until they find something they like. Sport is particularly good for self-esteem (even if they’re not great at it) – partly because it stimulates the body’s production of feel-good hormones but also because it takes children away from social networking and acts as an antidote to the superficial beauty culture. “You are using your body for something positive, which will make you feel better about your body, rather than just sitting there pouting for a selfie,” says Melissa Benn, author of What Should We Tell Our Daughters? (Hodder & Stoughton, £8.99).
Keep in contact
Teenagers will naturally begin to cut themselves off from adults. But they still need our time. “Instead of saying, ‘They’re happy in their room,’ we have to work harder to give them attention,” says Hartley-Brewer. “Working parents have so many calls on their time, including other children at different stages, so they can overlook the one who seems ‘easy’ because they’re not overtly demanding attention at that moment. But the parent needs to enter their world.” Show an interest in what they’re doing and contrive casual one-to-one situations – walking with them to a friend’s house, chatting in the car or going for dog walks.
Watch their online life
Too much social networking can batter their self-esteem – there’s so much opportunity for social comparisons and the paranoid mentality can be infectious, particularly among girls. “My generation had weekly magazines like Jackie or Just 17, and things happened in the playground, but you could shut the door on it all,” says self-esteem campaigner Elizabeth Kesses, author of the Ugly Little… e-books. “With social networking, you can’t – it’s always there, and there are messages everywhere telling you that you are not beautiful enough or thin enough. It’s also easier for other people to be mean from behind a computer.”
A report from the University of Essex suggested one hour a day of social networking was the healthy maximum; research among 12 to 16-year-old girls in Australia found that three and a half hours increased depression and lowered self-esteem.
Let them take control
Over-protecting children and trying to take all the risks out of life is a laudable aim, but it actually undermines their confidence. “If you treat children as fragile, they will stay fragile for life,” says Dr Robin Berman, author of the new bestseller Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later (HarperCollins, £12.99). “When we remove risks, we deprive children of the chance to practise managing and assessing them. Don’t hover – give them a bit of independence by allowing them to take the bus into town with a friend or walk to the shops. The more trusted they feel, the more confidence grows.
Make allowances
If you’re the kind of parent who won’t let any misdemeanour go unpunished, now might be the time to ease off a bit. Harsh, sarcastic or angry discipline, especially for children over 10, will erode self-esteem and send their true selves underground. “We have to encourage behaviour changes in more subtle ways,” says Hartley-Brewer. “So instead of shouting, ‘Look at the state of your room,’ you might say, ‘I’m not sure I could cope with that. Would you like me to help you sort it out?’”
Be a role model
A mother’s own confidence is key to her daughter’s self-esteem, says Kesses. “We critique ourselves all the time – we hardly notice we are doing it – and those niggly insecurities will be passed on, even if you think you are hiding them. If a mother is kind to herself, that’s the best thing she can do for her daughter.” Hartley-Brewer advises never to talk about celebrities’ looks, even if they are positive comments, and never criticise your own weight or appearance.
Be careful with praise
Compliments of the “wow, you’re so clever” type don’t increase self-esteem. In fact, they have the opposite effect because the child feels they have to live up to that label, which stops them taking risks and trying new things in case they are no longer “clever”. Instead, praise their efforts (“You worked so hard for your exams and you had a great attitude”). Make sure you’re not falling into the trap of just praising for academic performance. Show appreciation when they do something kind, thoughtful or creative, even if it’s tiny. Keep thanks and praise low-key with teenagers so you don’t embarrass them. Texts are good and the odd wink and quick hug can work wonders.
Take worries seriously
It’s tempting to dismiss insecurities with a quick comment – “Well, I think you’re beautiful” or “Don’t be silly – you’ve got loads of friends”. But they won’t believe you. Instead, spend time one-to-one, getting to the root of the problem (“Why do you think you feel like that?”, “Which bit of your body do you dislike most?”). Listen carefully and don’t leap in with advice. Gently remind them of the positives (“You worry you’re fat but your body is changing shape”). Kesses suggests celebrating three small things a day. “It might be finishing homework early or standing up for a school friend. Over 21 days, you will find their behaviour becomes more positive.”
Give them time
If your child is keen to please, they can lose sight of who they really are, says Hartley-Brewer. This is compounded by over-scheduling. “Children who are kept busy all the time haven’t had time to carve their own identity because it has been sculpted by other people.” Give children unstructured time, encourage responsibility and help give them a concrete sense of self by commenting on their talents (“What I really like about you is…”). Help them develop well-thought-out views by chatting about news stories of the day around the dinner table or on a walk.
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