Tim Torkildson
: “I’ve got a plate of bacon right in front of my fat face.
“Next to it, a plate of spinach with nutmeg (just a trace).
“Which will be the first to go into my mouth so wide?
“I find that healthful living and my taste buds do collide!
“Bacon causes cancer, so the eggheads now all say.
“But spinach doesn’t keep you greased and satisfied all day.
“The bacon smells so lovely — it’s a comfort to inhale.
“Spinach smells like nothing but a root cellar gone stale.
“I MUST make a decision soon, as I am starving so
“That my stomach has shrunk to the size of my big toe.
“The hell with it; what good is life without a tasty flitch?
“I’ll eat up all my spinach when I start my heavenly hitch!”
Then & Now
The Doryman of Prescott, Wis.: “JUST SAY NO
“TO PROCESSED MEAT
“DELAY YOUR DATE
“WITH OL’ ST. PETE
“BURMA-SHAVE”
Live and learn! (Eventually. Maybe.)
Happy Retired Andylander: “We have owned golden retrievers for almost 21 years. Chase lived to 13 years old, and Rio will soon be 8. Sooooo … you would think I would have learned by now not to brush a golden while wearing a navy-blue FLEECE jacket!”
Our pets, ourselves
Nervous Mother Driving: “The other day, my husband was explaining about how dogs are so much more obedient than cats. To illustrate his point, he called to the dog, saying: ‘Nike, go upstairs!’ He had to repeat it twice, but she eventually figured it out and galumphed up the stairs (my mother’s favorite description, which I like).
“Next he turned to the cat, who was sitting at the bottom of the stairs. ‘Spock, go upstairs!’ The cat looked at him, looked up the stairs where the dog had gone, and looked back at my husband. The gears were turning in my mind as I imagined what the cat was thinking, but it was probably along the lines of ‘Yes, that is indeed upstairs. You are very knowledgeable about this issue.’
“I laughed, but had to admit he was right. Dogs are more obedient than cats. I’m a cat person, myself.”
BULLETIN BOARD OBSERVES: Cats are perfectly obedient … if there’s something in it for them!
Our pets, ourselves
Or: Ah, the smell of it!
Good Little Girl: “Did I ever tell you about Lady and the skunk?
“We were camping at our favorite place in Wisconsin. It was about dawn when it happened. We were still asleep. The dog burst into our tent, frantic for attention. She brought with her the most awful smell I’d ever experienced. She was covered with skunk spray.
“We took her down to the lake and thoroughly washed her. She still smelled. A woman who lived nearby came to our assistance. She sprayed the dog with Tweed perfume. I don’t like Tweed perfume by itself, but combined with skunk smell, it’s unbearable.
“Then the woman came back with a large (48-ounce) can of tomato juice. She said to put it all over the dog and wait 10 minutes before washing it off. You can imagine what it was like keeping that dog quiet for 10 minutes when she was covered with tomato juice and skunk smell!
“Finally, we rinsed her and washed her with my finest shampoo. I don’t know if it was the tomato juice, the time that elapsed, or the expensive shampoo, but she smelled better than ever!
“Next time, I’ll tell you about Lady and the porcupine.”
Hmmmmmmmm
Sally, the cleaning lady of Shoreview: “Subject: Huh?
“Certainly fortune cookies rarely have genuine fortunes, but here’s one I received recently that puzzles me. Can Bulletin Board explain it? ‘The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.’ ”
BULLETIN BOARD SAYS: We can only guess that it makes perfect sense in Mandarin.
Our birds, ourselves
Ask Al B Division
The Oct. 17 Bulletin Board included a note from Bumpa of Menomonie, Wis.: “My neighbor, an otherwise sober and clear-eyed individual, reported that bluebirds appeared to be building a nest in his bluebird house. On the first day, two of the feathered critters carried pine needles inside and chased away any nearby sparrows. On day two, there were four bluebirds doing the same thing.
“He and I are both wondering if Al B can explain this unusual behavior occurring in mid-October.”
That day, BULLETIN BOARD SAID: “Al B — our Official Ornithologist, Al B of Hartland — was away from his keyboard, apparently, when we FWD’d Bumpa‘s query to him. We expect to hear from him presently, and will let you know what he has to say.”
We did hear from Al B. This is what he wrote: “Dear Bumpa of Menomonie,
“I just saw some bluebirds (they, too, were sober and clear-eyed), making this a bluebird day. Being that the bluebird is a symbol of happiness, I was as happy as a clam (and we all know how happy clams are) to read your fine report. People are both puzzled and thrilled when bluebirds, which may have disappeared after the end of the nesting season, show up and visit nestboxes in the fall. The birds usually (I often feel a need to add a second usually) don’t bring nesting material to the box, although the female may spend time inside. They may chase off intruders. Males may perch on the roof and sing.
“Thoreau wrote this on September 29, 1842: ‘Today the bluebirds, old and young, have revisited their box, as if they would fain repeat the summer without intervention of winter, if Nature would let them.’
“Are the bluebirds you saw confused? Probably. Why should they be different from us? When weather mimics breeding-season weather, it’s possible they become confused. After all, it’s bluebird weather. It’s unlikely that they are thinking about starting a brood so late. They could be prospecting for future nest sites or merely be curious. Maybe they are young birds that are practicing by playing house. That could include tossing in a few pine needles. The birds might be looking at roosting spots.
“What a cool thing to see. Thanks for sharing your neighbor’s day-brightening bluebird sighting.”
We also heard from Fuzzy in North St. Paul: “Here’s what the bluebirds are doing: They survive the cold of winter by ‘nesting’ together each night in tree hollows, nest boxes, even hollow fence posts. Their combined body heat and lots of feathers increase their survival chances. I learned this while reading a National Geographic article many years ago. One picture in the article showed about 10 bluebirds literally piled together in the same hollow spot. Smart birds, it seems.
“We recently enjoyed watching mountain bluebirds while traveling through Utah and Colorado.”
We asked Al B if he concurred with Fuzzy. He replied: “I do. It’s certainly a possibility. I included it in my answer as roosting sites. A number of bird species do this. Happiness is a warm roost. Mountain bluebirds are breathtakingly beautiful. Thank you.”
Ask a serious question…
The Divine Mum of Crocus Hill: “The F-Bomb, 9-1/2, is reading me his Personal Narrative about our trip to the Outback this summer.
“Me: ‘How is this going to end?’
“F-Bomb: ‘I’m just going to take it all out of my head. I’m going to recall the past, pretty much.’ ”
Our times (responsorial)
Lulu of Hudson, Wis.: “In response to ‘Our Times,’ 9/26 edition.
“I enjoyed reading Christy of Menomonie, Wis.’s contribution to Bulletin Board. I am always looking for ways to ‘scam the scammer’ — and tried the following on my ‘man with the thick accent who identifies himself as from Microsoft.’
“My response to No. 1 caller: ‘I don’t have a computer.’ (No. 1’s response: ‘That’s not my problem.’)
“My response to No. 2 caller: ‘I don’t have a computer.’ (No. 2’s response: ‘We’ll buy you one.’)
“I think they need a new script; nevertheless, the calls have stopped.
“NOW can you help me with ‘Hello, this is Brenda from cardholder services’?”
Band Name of the Day: The Eggheads
Website of the Day, from Double Bogey Mike: A train for the future (?), at tinyurl.com/hover-rail
