To our dearest friends and family,

FALSE. While this letter was indeed sent to dear friends and family, it has been confirmed that the recipient list also included immediate neighbors, members of the PTO board, and Beth from work.

We hope this little note finds you well and enjoying the holiday season. We’ve already had our share of snow here in upstate New York, and we’ve spent much of the last month digging out Tom’s beloved BMW!

MOSTLY TRUE. It did snow a ton in upstate New York, and Tom’s car required frequent digging out. However, the use of “beloved” is undoubtedly a sarcastic jab from Rachel, who is not known to be particularly fond of the BMW, having been heard on multiple occasions to refer to it as “Tom’s dick.”

It’s been a wonderful year for all four of us.

FALSE.

Connor finished eighth grade with flying colors. He continues to follow in his father’s footsteps, fervently pursuing basketball and excelling in his science class, especially in chemistry and physics.

TRUE. Like his father before him, Connor is playing basketball because of intense paternal pressure. Connor shares his dad’s hatred for the sport and has already secretly vowed to make his future son play it as well. Also true is Connor’s love for science. He experiments with Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill (chemistry) regularly from the roof (physics).

Chloe wrapped up tenth grade with a beautiful presentation on the Women’s Suffrage Movement. She spent much of her summer at an outdoor camp and has hit the ground running this school year. She has even found a new love for art! Who knows what she’ll come up with next?

FALSE. Except for the part about Chloe finishing tenth grade, this paragraph appears to be entirely fabricated. One could argue that Chloe has, in fact, found a new love for art, but one would have to be talking about her ankle tattoo of a spider on fire. Interestingly, Chloe did go to an outdoor camp three summers prior to this holiday letter. We believe this to be a copy-and-paste error of either the computer or cerebral variety.

Tom had his busiest year yet at the law firm. His client base has been expanding, and he’s found himself traveling all over the country to handle various contract negotiations. He was even out of town for the big snowfall, leaving quite a bit of shoveling for Rachel. She sure expanded her vocabulary that day!

TRUE. Tom was on the road constantly throughout the year because work is more important to him than key life moments, like Connor’s first basketball game, the fight over Chloe’s tattoo, and, yes, that incredible snowstorm. Rachel is still out-of-her-mind pissed.

Just kidding! Haha!

FALSE.

Rachel has had a marvelous year of self-discovery. She knew it would be hard to shift gears to consultant work, but it’s been such a joy to work with everyone at the agency. She continues to blog and attend her hilariously insightful improv class. Look out for a live performance after the holidays (rim shot)!

TRUE and FALSE. Rachel hates her new job, and she hates her co-worker Beth with the heat of a thousand suns. She also hates her blog, which seemed like a perfectly good idea at the outset, but how much is there to say, really, about scrapbooking and wine? Her love for improv, however, cannot be overstated. She spends all day thinking about class and her teacher, Seth, who has taught her so much about her own creative mind. Improv is about acceptance. In improv, one always responds with, “Yes, and…” One never negates. Improv isn’t about being funny; it’s about being attentive and open. “Listen with your ears, your mind, and your heart,” Seth once said as he took off his outdoor knit cap and replaced it with his indoor knit cap. Seth says the most beautiful things, and Rachel silently responds to every single one with, “Yes, and…”

In closing, friends, we wish for you what we wish for ourselves: to have a safe and happy holiday and a peaceful start to the New Year.

UNCONFIRMED.

— The Andersons

TRUE.