Your love gives me wings

A while ago I received the following email from Robyn in Dunedin, who asked me to share my thoughts on relationships.

“I’ve been following your writings and evolution (!) for a number of years now and never cease to find you inspirational and motivating. I have sent links to your newsletter and blogs to many people that I have worked with within the context of my various guises of HR professional, business coach and therapist. Now, I reckon, I would like to hear Cassandra on relationships. How about it? Isn’t this an area we haven’t’ heard from you on? I’d love to hear your thinking on this topic :-)”

At first I didn’t know what to write. I’ve been so focused on talking about creativity, helping people with career and work issues, business and leadership coaching, and writing my historical romance in my spare time. But then it struck me. All these threads carry the same theme – developing and maintaining positive relationships.

Thank you Robyn for reminding me of this central theme that underpins everything I do. Hands up I don’t always get it right. But then show me a perfect person and I may just see a pig fly across the moon. At least I’m committing to trying. Isn’t that all anyone of us can do?

It’s clear that the quality of our relationships is very connected with our level of happiness. To me love gives us wings.

I hope this newsletter helps you, or someone you love, gain the clarity and focus to attract life-enhancing relationships and allows your spirit to soar.

Relationship? What does it mean?

May we all be as clear and enlightened as Marley, aged seven, whose mum asked him, "do you know what a committed relationship is my darling?" To which he answered perfectly, "when you're nice to each other, love each other & are best friends?"... BEST ANSWER.EVER

Here's how one dictionary defines 'relationship.'

noun
1.a connection, association, or involvement.
2.connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3.an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.
4.a sexual involvement; affair.

Of all the definitions above the two words that speak most loudly to me is emotional connection.

Let’s think about the emotions that may be involved. Positive ones like love, happiness or fulfilment or  negative one’s like anger, despair, and fear.

Deep, fulfilling relationships are based on openness, truth and respect. That allows meaningful communication between two humans being, not of two humans playing roles. To create a truly satisfying relationship not only do you need to truly know thyself but also the deeper nature, values and traits of those with whom you want to relate.

If you are both committed to relating deeply, instead of shallowly, based on superficial characteristics, true connection can flourish. If neither is committed to achieving shared common ground then there’s nothing to be gained.

All too often competition and, at times, control,  takes over, and no one takes the time to clarify their shared goals and visualise the win-win outcomes and benefits which inevitably flow.

The need for change

I am powerfully reminded of the need for change by newspapers. One only has to read the headlines to see the destruction.Not so long ago I read of a brother and sister fearful their parents would be released from prison and kill them. Today I continue to be disheartened by news that New Zealand has one of the highest rates of domestic violence in the world – there are claims we have reached a horrific “epidemic,” spending an incredible $8 billion dollars trying to fix the issue! That’s an appalling statistic

Our pervasive culture of workplace bullying is equally horrific. I’m a strong person but I’ve experienced this first hand and supported many others to stand up to bullies in my career as a coach. I once worked in an organisation where my manager threatened to ‘smash my head in!’  Three years working as a leadership coach in an organisation with a culture with an enduring reputation for dysfunctional, highly conflict based relationships, further amplifies the need for change.  It’s mind-blowing to read a recent review of our own police force citing a bullying culture. If the Police can’t get, who can? Add to this a world exploding with conflict and it seems something is going incredibly wrong.

Perhaps if we all made an intention to work towards open, constructive and harmonious relationships, and say 'no' to closed, destructive and toxic relationships, there would be more prosperity for all. Perhaps if there was a higher sense of community, and individuals who want positive change were given a bigger voice,  laws would be more supportive.

I’m thinking of New Zealand’s liberal alcohol laws which in my view corrode life for so many. One only has to realise that approximately 75% of the prison population offended while drunk to find compelling evidence of the need to get to the heart, and very often to the cause of the issue. Add to this escalating stress levels and poverty within which many live and you can see how quickly positive relationships can corrode.

I wonder, as Nelson Mandela once did, does evil flourish  because the world, and we who live upon it,  isn’t angry enough to do something? Or is it because we have allowed ourselves to be dis-empowered?

Is it only when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of changing, growing, evolving  that humanity  will strive for excellence.

As one manager I am coaching confirmed, “I’ve put up with the abuse for so long but now I’m angry. Angry enough to push-back and say, “This is wrong.”

How to attract and sustain life-enhancing relationships

I believe positive, life-enhancing relationships involve:

1. Working on our own self-confidence and self-esteem. A positive self concept is the founding stone of healthy relationships. This often takes work and an ongoing commitment to self-improvement. Not easy when so much of societies messaging is negative. Not easy when people easily point out flaws but struggle to appreciate strengths.

Harder still when you work or live in an environment that is poisonous. As much as possible surround yourself with positive people and stay away from cynics, critics and other forces of destruction. Don’t buy into others negative messaging. Instead actively solicit feedback from people who value who you are and what you do. If recent positive feedback is thin on the floor, delve into the past. You’ll be encouraged by what you find.

If you or someone you know could do with a boost my Boost Self- Esteem Fast eBooks and/or The Big Con is packed with helpful tip to boost confidence and self-esteem. For deeper issues I highly recommend seeing a professionally trained counsellor – smart people don’t go it alone. They get help from the experts.

2. Intentionality. You may already now how four years ago, after spending over 18 years raising my daughter as a single parent I created my “ideal man” on paper – jotting down the important qualities and traits I needed to feel emotionally richer, not poorer, from a relationship. We’ve been living together for five years now – changing and growing, ridding ourselves of baggage, and stocking up on new ways of growing in our relationship

Attracting this life-enhancing relationship began with my intention. I no longer wanted to be on my own. I no longer wanted short-term flings. I wanted something more. Something deeper.

What kind of relationships do you want to attract? What do you value most? Least? How do you want your relationships to be? What supports this vision? What gets in the way?

Love isn’t always easy.  But when you have someone to share life with things are easier  – assuming you both want to be balloons – soaring upward supporting and cherishing each others’ dreams whilst committed to your own personal development, growth and change.

See how you can "create" your ideal partner by watching this clip when I was a life coach for Television New Zealand >>

3. Being prepared to change.

We can’t change others but we can create a climate for change. We can be the change we want to see. 

Read more here >>

Live your best life

Be the change you want to see and live your best life. True abundance manifests when we love and value ourselves as much as, if not more than, we love and value those that are dear to us. One of my favourite lines in a movie I once saw is, "our lesson in life is to love and be loved in return." So often we only get part of this equation right - loving others more than we love ourselves, or vice-versa. It's all about balance.

Stand up to people who bring you down and surround yourself with those that uplift and bring out the best in you.

Know what you want,  know what you need,  and don’t settle. Commit to the empowering words, thoughts and actions  that will help you to attract life-enhancing relationships that allow your soul and those you interact with to flourish.

Open your heart to receive and to share love and watch abundance flow. You deserve it :)

I’d love to hear your thoughts:)