More often than not, the covers of old-school horror comics were more baffling than scary. Titles like Tales from the Crypt and House of Mystery promised chills but delivered befuddlement. Here are 100+ of the most inexplicable (with captions). [Via Comic Covers]
First caption — self-explanatory.
Is this the Chamber of Death or the Honeymoon of Horror? OR IS IT BOTH???
Editor 1: What's scarier, a giant scorpion or a talking scorpion?
Editor 2: A giant, TALKING scorpion, duh.
Editor 1: You're a genius, Marv.
That is some uncreative copy-editing.
Dude, how did you get her in the room in the first place? You met her at some Eyes Wide Shut party, didntcha?
Incidentally, the currency of our entire solar system is the Danish krone.
Generic Kid Adventures No. 18: "The Case of the Old Man"
Frankly, I'd buy this for "The Language-Master from Space."
"AND IT FEELS FUCKING AWESOME."
So if those guys are Earthmen, does that mean Nixon's the alien?
This is again the case of the sidebar comics outstripping the cover. I so want to read "PLANET NOBODY WANTED."
I'd be pissed at the aliens for trying to devalue the luxury goods market.
Self-explanatory.
Stephen King's original draft for Misery had some strange plot twists
I like how no one's bothering to elaborate on John's fate. For all we know, it could be his fate to have a salad for lunch.
After that fateful Christmas, Daddy Warbucks sent Annie back to the orphanage.
Sorry horror writers — zombie matador has already been done.
Damn, that dinosaur's drunk.
In his early years, Alex Trebek was really an insensitive prick.
Self-explanatory.
I'm sorry, Tim Boo Baa. You showed up to Earth wearing bike shorts. You can't expect people to take you seriously.
This woman failed 6th grade health class.
Self-explanatory.
Frankly, I'm more interested in "The Puppets of Pierre Garou."
In the 1950s, "miracle" was a colloquialism for "shark." That's why they named that movie Jaws.
Once you're out of the closet, YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK IN.
Self-explanatory.
Another alien abduction abetted by a drunk Hollywood director. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS CEASE.
Boy Scout Motto: Always sleep with a gun in your hand.
Sadly, people don't turn into pearls when you put them in giant oysters.
HEY EDITOR THANKS FOR SPOILERS.
Self-explanatory.
It was a good day for Quentin and his vow of cowardice.
A: THERE'S A GODDAMN MONSTER IN IT.
Slowly but surely, Quentin's pioneering cowardice came into vogue and was assumed by even the most valiant of men.
It was really considerate of the publisher to remind you twice that you are reading a comic about the Molten Man-Thing and not, oh, the Bible.
Dude, is that your seeing-eye pick axe?
Even in a crisis, it's really fun to say "Sporr."
Hey man, you never heard of Gor-Kill before today either. Stop pretending like you were ahead of the curve.
"Baby, I just came out here to read you bad poetry and show you my dildo collection. But intimacy? OH NO, THIS ISN'T WHAT I BARGAINED FOR!"
"THIS IS KLAGG! HE'S HERE TO FUCK!"
You know I always thought we were living in post-Oog era already, but what do I know.
This is why you never, ever ask throwaway questions.
Self-explanatory (well, not really).
We're leaving the fate of our planet to a guy who wears a porkpie hat with a sports coat? We're boned.
This issue of Tales of Suspense is brought to you by the letter H.
Man, they really ran out of things to tack the suffix "Of Death" onto.
Self-explanatory.
The Cryptkeeper had a senior moment this morning and forgot his dentures.
Thanks, grammar. I now have no idea what the fuck is going on here.
Worst bachelor party ever.
The Plague of Death is 75% gumdrops.
AND HE WAS A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.
Redundancy Man runs away from yet another confrontation.
A comic about Droom the Dead Lizard wouldn't be very exciting.
I like how this city has a strong oral tradition of Titanto-themed jokes.
Who warned you? That guy sleeping in the liquor store parking lot? I'm sorry, but your incredulity was heretofore perfectly acceptable.
Man, that Blip has really fallen off the radar.
Man, X and Droom need new publicists.
AND HE'S HIGH AS BALLS!
She sees the gloves just fine. She's just ashamed of her husband's stupid phobias.
They went to college with the monster. They're just triskaidekaphobics.
Apache Chief is PISSED.
Even Rod Serling can't believe this shit.
A giant screaming face certainly qualifies as a curio.
Self-explanatory.
IT'S NOT CALLED A "NAPYARD," YOU FOOLS.
Self-explanatory.
MMF4A — Casual Encounters.
I'm sorry, "cranky old coot hates noise" is barely a Twilight Zone plot.
Laser Baboon is relentless.
Dude, I wouldn't talk either if I was being hunted by giant sperm.
I think SyFy has their next Saturday movie monster right here.
What I love here is that everyone is pissed at him for ruining the movie.
"DUDE YOU CAN HAVE HER! WE'RE NOT EVEN THE SAME SPECIES!"
Rod Serling approves of this one.
This guy is upset about the cards, but not the fact that he's playing poker with a vampire?
Guy, she loves you for your personality. She's not a two-face fetishist whatsoever. No sir.
A: "A PARTY GUY."
That is way too much exposition for an impending demise.
It's a common problem.
Racism.
"Ha ha, it was my idea to store a block of ice in a 68 degree room!"
Self-explanatory.
He died alone with a low self-esteem. The end.
Zombie double take!
The Little Rascals and the case of the undiagnosed neighborhood syphilitic.
Buddy, you really have no internal monologue, do you?
Well, that's ham-fisted metaphor.
Man, people really stick to the "no eye contact" credo on some buses.
Operas in North Korea throw a nuclear bomb in the culture gap.
Take away the speech bubble and you have the most boring Tales from the Crypt ever.
Gepetto tried PCP. Give him a break.
Haunted Scrabble? How deliciously absurd!
I'm more impressed that that mountain's made out of cotton candy.
Self-explanatory.
VIRGINITY.
Vincent Price had some weird hobbies.
Self-explanatory
"The time is now rat poison past gun o'clock."
Self-explanatory.
"I've actually had this tattoo for weeks. You guys were too self-centered to notice."
"I call this, 'The Look of Love.' "
Off-panel, there's an audience full of confused children.
Phew! And that's self-explanatory.