Single and Sick of It?
How to find the right guy
Being single can be an emotional rollercoaster. If you're ready to get off the ride, and find a life partner, here are suggestions from relationship experts who have been there and done that and then some.
Hang out with couples instead of singles
Yue Xu, founder of Singlefied, shared her tips:
Stop hanging around your single girlfriends. It's great having single girlfriends to do activities with (i.e., check out speed dating, go on a grouper date), but you have to understand that single people are out for themselves. You may meet eligible bachelors together, but that also means your competition just increased. If you're looking to be in a relationship, the best thing to do is to put out the announcement to your happily coupled friends. People who are happy in their own relationships also want their friends to have the same; plus, they love playing matchmaker. Also, you've just doubled your network of eligible bachelors when you include your friend's boyfriend's friends. And since they should have your best interest at heart, it should make dating a lot more enjoyable than meeting some randoms at the bar or anxiously swiping right.
Throw out your list. Too many women still have a list and the list keeps growing as they get older. Keeping a list of things you're looking for in a man is only limiting your choices and your mindset. The fact is: you only know what you know. So you're list is drawn upon your past, not what your future potential could be. Stop limiting yourself to what you've experienced. Be open to new experiences and you might be surprised at whom you'd be attracted to.
Stop tricking yourself into thinking you're “too picky.” When asked “why are you still single?” too many women respond with, “I'm just too picky.” The reality is that's not true. Being picky means you have the pick of the litter and you just haven't picked one yet. The truth is, you're not Jessica Alba. And even Jessica Alba doesn't have the pick of the litter. So why not be more honest with yourself? Really sit down and think about why you're still single. Is it because of timing? Is because of your demanding career? Is it because of letting yourself go physically? Is it because of your instability? Is it because of trauma from a previous relationship? Really have a good answer to why you're still single. The sooner you're honest with yourself, the sooner you'll come off as a strong candidate for mating season.
Change what you're doing
Psychotherapist and relationship coach Toni Coleman said she's worked with many women who are sick of being single, and here are her recommendations:
Don’t keep doing what you have been doing, it hasn’t worked—try something new.
Go outside your comfort zone—you’d be amazed at what you might find there. This involves doing something you have resisted in the past—pursuing an extreme sport, trying online dating if you never have, going somewhere completely new and trying a whole new experience there (take a trip somewhere different and immerse yourself in the culture and experience of it).
Take the focus off of your outside self and refocus on what’s inside. Start practicing yoga or another spiritual discipline for health and relaxation, learn about mindfulness and make it a part of your daily life and interactions, practice gratitude daily, get your literal space (home and affairs) in order, begin cooking meals at home in order to better nurture yourself, get in touch with your creativity, improve your health—and feel better about you, from the inside out. All of these will boost your self-confidence and self-esteem, help you keep a positive outlook that you will project outward, lower your stress—and increase your happiness. In other words, be the person you would want to be with—and if he crosses your path, he will notice.
Getting rid of baggage
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, author of “How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?” said there are three key points that she shares with clients who are ready to find a partner:
You need to identify your feelings about the past. Your previous relationships may have left you with some unresolved issues, anxiety and low self-esteem. Those doubts and negative emotions can trigger irrational thoughts or behaviors within you. When you let these feelings grow, instead of releasing them, you unconsciously repeat the programming in your next relationship. This causes a cycle of unhealthy behaviors that can ruin any potential for lasting love. What can you do instead? Realize that giving negative emotions so much power can actually be harmful.
Don’t look to be rescued, completed, saved or fixed by any partner. No one can fill the void in your inner self. You’re setting your partner up for failure if you expect them to fix your problems and love you through your unresolved issues. Do the inner work on yourself first, perhaps with the support of a therapist or coach. Heal your woundsand neediness. Then seek out another soul who has done the same to partner with you.
Be your authentic self – and don’t change for a partner’s approval. You can’t fake your way through a relationship or a marriage. If you hate sports, the internet or pets, state it up front and find a mate who loves you knowing this reality. It’s unfair to hide your true self from your partner and it’s a disservice to yourself pretending to be who you are not. It’s wise to honor who you are. Then look for a partner with high self-esteem who loves themselves as they are. That’s a formula for lasting relationship success.
Before setting out once again in the relationship world, work on your inner demons, let go of the baggage from previous relationships, and take your time in getting to know the special partner you are choosing. There’s no magic wand that will make your relationship succeed, but these guidelines will set you on a course that will circumvent a lot of pot holes along the road to happily ever after.
