Harry Potter took off his Invisibility Cloak as he entered the Dursleys' house in Privet Drive. He was back where it had all started six books previously. It had seemed much more fun in the beginning. No Muggles queuing up at midnight; no Winnebagos on the film set; just him, Ron and Hermione and a box of magic tricks. Now, he felt a little jaded. Still, he thought, if I can keep it together for another 600 pages, I'll be off the hook. Free to pursue a different acting career.
His reverie was interrupted by the arrival of Arthur Weasley, Ron, Hermione and 10 other familiar characters. "We've got to get you out of here," said Arthur. "The protective charm runs out when you are 17, and You Know Who and the Death Eaters will be after you. Six of us are going to take some Polyjuice potion to create some decoy Harrys."
Harry knew he was up against it this time. A favourite character from an earlier book had been killed off within the first 80 pages. That Rowling woman meant business. "OK," said Harry, grimly, as Ron and Hermione embraced. "There might have been time for that kind of adolescent awakening in books five and six. Now, it's time to get serious."
Hermione recovered her customary poise. "You're right, Harry," she replied. "The Ministry has been taken over by Voldemort, and the Order of the Phoenix is compromised. Nowhere is safe. You must continue your quest for You Know Who's Horcruxes."
The scar on Harry's forehead burned, but an intense migraine was a small price to pay for giving the reader a chance to find out what Voldemort was doing and catch up with more back story.
It was the morning of Fleur's wedding to Bill Weasley and Harry, Ron and Hermione were examining the strange bequests they had been left in Dumbledore's will.
"Why have we been given this effing rubbish?" Ron laughed. "I've told you before that book seven is not the place for jokes and swearing," Harry answered sternly. Just then he saw Ginny passing. He didn't know why - though he suspected it was something to do with letting the reader know that although he was a goody-goody on the outside, he was a rampant horny hetty on the inside - but he kissed her passionately. "Stay safe for me," he whispered knowingly.
"I've found a strange mark in this book," exclaimed Hermione. "What do you think it means?" Harry frowned. "I've no idea," he murmured, "but my scar will start hurting again soon and we'll find out." Sure enough, the tingling sensation soon returned.
As he came out of his dream, which revealed yet more back story about Dumbledore, Harry intoned solemnly: "It's the sign of the Deathly Hallows. We must find them and the Horcruxes."
Harry, Ron and Hermione had criss-crossed the country getting out of ever-tighter scrapes with wizard spells, but still Harry felt no nearer to knowing what to do. Yet he had the strange feeling everything was becoming clearer.
"I'm leaving you two," Ron declared one day. "I need to create some narrative tension." Harry was lost again but a Patronus spell led him to the Sword of Gryffindor. He had to step naked into an icy pool to retrieve it. "I knew getting the lead part in the school production of Equus would come in handy," he thought.
"I'm back," said Ron, as Harry's scar continued to reveal yet more of the seemingly endless back story. Sometimes Harry didn't know if he was awake or asleep, alive or dead, as so many old characters flashed through his mind. "Don't worry," said the figure of Dumbledore. "This time, no one knows what's going on either."
So Harry made his way back to Hogwarts to face Voldemort. It would end as he had always known it would. With everyone wondering what JK would do next.
The digested read, digested: Harry Potter and the End of the Gravy Train.