Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say
NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.
Top-level staffers confirmed that the lengthy gestation phase, during which the former secretary of state will undergo significant physical and political changes while encased upside down in a gray-brown, 7-foot-tall chrysalis, will prepare the candidate for the difficult and protracted general election cycle ahead. Officials added that once Clinton has completed her transformation into her mature, final-stage form, she will wriggle free from her cocoon and return to the campaign trail.
“As soon as we informed Hillary that she had reached the number of delegates necessary to secure the Democratic nomination, she thanked the staff and then promptly began secreting a thick, resinous substance from her oral gland and fashioning it into a protective casing around herself,” said Hillary for America communications director Jennifer Palmieri, explaining to the press that Clinton has been eating several times her body weight daily while campaigning in preparation for the energy-intensive hibernation and metamorphosis process. “She completed her encasement several hours ago and is now pupating comfortably inside. As we speak, Hillary is rapidly altering, developing an entirely new anatomy and a complex vision for a united, prosperous America that works to lift up each and every one of us.”
“You can rest assured that once Hillary uses her powerful mandibles to chew her way out of the cocoon, she will emerge stronger than ever and ready to take on Donald Trump,” Palmieri added.
Officials within the campaign stated that the initial stage of Clinton’s metamorphosis appeared to be proceeding on schedule, noting that after completing her chrysalis—a moist, semi-translucent husk attached via a silken thread to the rafters of her campaign strategy room—the former first lady began releasing enzymes that dissolved much of her soft tissue mass while her heart rate dropped to a single beat every 40 seconds. Moreover, a network of veins and arteries reportedly formed just beneath the pod’s surface, which political experts stated would provide the candidate with a constant supply of oxygen as her political image and rigid presidential thorax slowly develop.
Sources added that they were confident the pupa will be sufficiently advanced by late July to take part in the Democratic National Convention, where it is expected to be wheeled onstage to shed its mucosal lining in front of the assembled crowd, thereby officially signifying Clinton’s acceptance of the nomination.
“Although her metabolism may have slowed to a near halt and her body may be currently differentiating within the nutrient-rich liquid medium inside her suspended cocoon, Hillary remains committed to creating good-paying jobs, making college affordable for all citizens, and ensuring paid family and medical leave for hardworking Americans,” said Palmieri, who noted that Clinton is expected to exit her chrysalis several hours prior to the first presidential debate on September 26, enough time for her lymph-covered body to dry off in the sun and for her to gain full control over her forelimbs before taking on her opponent. “While securing the nomination is a significant step, it’s important to remember that we’re only halfway there. The towering, full-grown version of Hillary that will emerge in several months still needs your vote in November.”
“But the choice is clear,” she added. “When voters consider Hillary Clinton’s constantly scanning compound eyes, her long record of helping middle-class families, and her barbed pincers poised and ready to strike, they’ll see that she is the only candidate truly qualified to lead this nation.”
At press time, the latest polls showed Clinton’s approval rating climbing to the highest levels of the campaign in the hours since she enclosed herself away from the public inside a thick shell of chitin.