Over the last few months I have been exploring how to reconnect more deeply with the Loving Kindness meditation. I've been listening to guided meditations by other teachers and feeling in to how I can connect with the practice afresh. After 27 years it had become very familiar! If you've been coming to the group recently you will have noticed a change in way I guide the Loving Kindness practice and this has come from listening to these different versions of the practice. 

The central question I started to have arose from hearing people so often say the same thing: that wishing others well feels easy but directing it to oneself can feel difficult, or even wrong. Starting the practice with wishing oneself well as we had been doing was often too big a step and left people struggling with not knowing how to connect into the practice, until the second stage when they could then feel something for their friend. 

One meditation I listened to reversed this by starting with a friend and over the last few months I've been seeing how this feels. What I noticed is that it can feel a lot easier to connect with the feelings of gratitude towards a friend for who they are, appreciation of their qualities, attributes and skills. I then connected with the feeling that, although my inner critic can be so judgemental and make it hard sometimes to value or appreciate myself, this friend is here because they like me. If they did not they would no longer be in my life.

The friends I have now see me for who I am and like me for who I am. They may see faults or weakness of character, but they have chosen to take me as whole and enjoy my company. With some of my friends I mess up. I say or behave in a way that is not in line with my core principles. They then bring this to my attention or I name it and apologise, we talk, we address whatever it is that has caused the upset and become closer...or sometimes find there is no longer a connection and move apart.  

This process has helped me to see that I can be loved for being me, I do not have to be perfect, and that some people will not like me anymore or the connection weakens and dissolves and that is fine as well - they are making their choice but it does not mean I am wrong or bad. 

It has been a really powerful experience to sit with the feeling that whilst my inner critic may say I will only be lovable and of value when.....this is fixed, that is resolved, I have achieved this body shape or that level of financial security.......what my core friends give me is a sense I am loved as I am. As imperfect as that is. 

Having connected with this appreciation for my friends in the first stage of the practice I notice I am simply appreciating them as humans in progress, rather than expecting them to be perfect and totally fixed. It then becomes easier to move to the second stage where I bring this attention to myself. As I turn the attention to myself I can rest in this sense of both being present with a friend who cares for me and sees me, and for whom I feel fondness and goodwill. 

It then becomes easier to direct this desire I have felt for for my friend's well being to myself. Just as I wish for them to be happy and well, so too can I wish for myself to be happy and well. 


The importance of self care to counter self-harm

I was reminded last week of how important it is to emphasise this need for self-care, self-love and challenging the negative voices that tell us we are wrong, a failure or underserving. So often talking like this can feel like a selfish self-preoccupation, and the inner critic that can get activated is the voice saying "don't be so self centred". It can feel we are being too self-focused. But, the consequences of not addressing the inner self deprecating voices can have a real impact on us and all those we love.

Someone who came to my one hour Mindfulness class that takes place before the gay men's group talked to me of their experience of depression and how mindfulness was of no help during a depressive episode. They found it was only Loving Kindness and speaking with a gentle appreciation and encouragement to themselves that helped them though these dark points where their inner voices were telling them they were of no worth.

Sadly, they were not able to find their way through the last episode. They took their own life.  I was told last Monday by a friend who had come to the group. A friend who clearly cared for them and would have wished them the best.

I feel so desperately sad. And so wish there was anything I could say to them to make a difference. But I cannot. They are gone on to their next life and I wish their consciousness well as it seeks rebirth. May they find peace and love and happiness wherever it is they are reborn.

But I can speak to you. And if there is anyone out there who feels that they are not worthy of love, or are a failure as a human being, please: know that you are not what these negative inner critical voices say. Please find a way to talk to others who will be able to hold you and wish you well. It may mean calling the Samaritans on their free help line: 116 123 or emailing them on jo@samaritans.org
 
Know that the propaganda in our head saying we are a burden, that people would be better off without us, that we have failed in life, that there's no point going on......know these all as lies. 

There have been times when I wanted to die. It felt too much to go on. I went to the monastery just to survive. At times I did not even know why I was going on. In the end I did it for my mother!! It felt too harsh to waste all of the care and sacrifice she had made. I had so little self-worth I couldn't feel it was worth doing for me but only for another! But slowly I came to see that I was doing it for me, because I could live a truly fulfilling life as me. But I had to come through that dark time. And I only did it through staying with my practice: mindfulness and loving kindness, and finding a community of friends who gave me support, care and love. Had I withdrawn, gone into isolation - I do not know if I could have found the strength. 

If there is anyone out there feeling life is too much. Please, know that the darkness of this pain does pass. Look for how you can find connections. Speak to others about how you are feeling rather than fear you are a burden to them. And see how you can use the loving kindness practice to connect with this wish in your heart for your ultimate wellbeing and happiness. 

As part of doing this I have recently found an exercise for contemplating what one's qualities and attributes are. I've included it below and as a word document. If you find it too hard or impossible to think of anything yourself, if the gremlin of self-loathing tells you you are nothing and worth nothing, see if there is a partner or good friend you can look at the list with and see how it is they experience you, what qualities, skills and attributes they enjoy and value in you.  

To download the word version click here
 

Appreciating yourself: Make a list of your best qualities. Include in it any qualities you have received recognition for by family members, peers, friends, employers or teachers. Use the headings below if they help you.   Things I am good at:               Personality characteristics (such as kindness, trustworthiness, calming, caring, etc):               Abilities and talents (i.e. musical, or artistic skills, an ability to put people at ease, or to listen attentively):             What compliments have you received in the past or recently about personal characteristics?:               Accomplishments of which I am proud:             Evidence that I am liked or valued:

                                                     Kimeron N. Hardin, pHD, Loving Ourselves (Alson Books,2008), p189