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Monday mindfulness
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Last week I was away in Spain on a dance retreat so was not able to send a group email. Thank you to Andy Butterfield for taking the class. I hope those of you who were there enjoyed the different perspective he was able to bring by teaching from his experience of practice. 

Whilst on the retreat I was exploring in my meditation and through the dance the feeling of being connected to friends.  This ties in with a new approach to the Loving Kindness meditation that I read about recently and will be exploring in the group on Mondays over this month. 

One of the things I have heard consistently over the 27 years that I have taught meditation is the difficulty some people feel in being able to connect with wishing themselves well in the Loving Kindness meditation. It can feel forced or artificial to make this wish for oneself, or the inner critic that says one is being self-indulgent or selfish can arise, making it hard to feel a real sense of self-care.

On the retreat I had a chat with someone who told me how grateful he was for the practice, as he had been  able to use the reflections as a recitation during a time of emotional turmoil, repeating the phrases over and over as a wish for himself:

May I be well
May I be happy
May I be safe and free from harm
May I be free from suffering and pain
May all good things come to me.

Connecting with the phrases as a wish for oneself can allow the heart to find its own way of opening to this feeling of self-care. I know someone else who has said that when in a depressive episode she cannot practice mindfulness as it is too much to sit with the intensity of her thoughts and feelings, but she can practice loving Kindness, wishing herself to be well, telling herself she cares for herself and wishes for her happiness.

Hearing this I realise how important it is that we have a feeling of being able to turn to the Loving Kindness practice as a resource rather than dismiss it as the practice we cannot do. Over this month the theme of the emails will be around self-care and self-love so that we have a consistent opportunity to explore this aspect of the practice. 

This is so much more important for some of us, for as gay men we are more likely to experience the impact of having grown up as a minority in our community with the consequent increase in likelihood of mental health issues. A recent statistic I heard was that 40% of gay men experience mental health/depression or anxiety issues, compared to 20% of the non gay population. The impact of minority stress that I have discussed previously helps to explain this: growing up as a minority, not able to see ourselves as part of a wider community but feeling we are alone, isolated and different leads to the equivalent PTS impact of surviving a war zone.

Family dynamics can lead to low self-esteem whether we are gay or not, but add to this a societal message that there is something deeply wrong, evil or flawed about us and we have a toxic mix making self-love so hard to connect with. How does someone who in their core thinks they are flawed and wrong wish themselves well? Instead we have avoidance mechanisms: porn, sex, drink, drugs, shopping, being perfect and good in whatever way that manifests for us or using caustic humour to ward off the expected criticism by biting first.  Hoping that if we can just be good enough in our avoidance mechanism of choice that it will take away the pain. 

But as we know, it does not. It only takes us deeper into our pain as we then feel guilt or shame for loosing ourselves once again in behaviour we know does not serve us. Then we create an identity around being an addict or someone having to deal with addiction and feel yet more shame when we relapse after managing to be good for a week, or two or a month or year. 

Rather than always feeling we have to move away from the broken person we feel we are, how would it be if we stepped towards being the whole being that we are? We were not born broken or self-sabotaging. We learnt not to like ourselves. A baby does not feel it does not deserve to be loved, it does not hold back its cries feeling it should not bother anyone or that it should wait to be seen. We learn the belief that "I do not matter", or "my needs are not important" or "I should not be a bother" or "I can only be worthy of love if I am serving another/ am funny enough/ have a good enough body...." or whatever our inner script may be. 

Over the dance retreat I was able to feel how strongly I feel my needs do not matter, feel the fear of reaching out to connect, the belief I am too much and will only swap the other if I do try to connect, the fear of being rejected and the hope of being noticed. In one exercise we danced with rejection. Our partner had to ignore us as we danced. It was so painful. At first I danced with freedom and ease, in the flow of my dance. Then seeing that my partner was ignoring me I tried to attract his attention, dancing closer, my movements becoming more exaggerated. But still he looked at his nails or looked thorough me.

Then, without any thought about what I would do next my dance suddenly changed. My movements became small, timid, afraid of causing offence. I came close to my partner, trying to be in contact with his body as he ignored me. My hands coming to rest on my chest in a self embrace that did nothing to mitigate the feeling of panic at not being seen. I then stayed in this slow, small, constricted dance hoping if I were quiet and good enough my partner might then choose to notice me. In the space of five minutes my body was able to relive my experience of being a child who was not seen, and I felt the impact of making myself small in the hope that whatever it was I was doing wrong would no longer cause offence and I would once more be loved. 

Over the rest of the retreat I stayed with this sense of making myself small and also of seeing how I could connect out to others. In one session I lost any feeling of being able to dance freely and was standing, with my arms around myself, my eyes closed, my head hanging down. My legs wrapped around themselves. Stuck to the spot. Feeling alone. Isolated. Not wanted. Incapable of connecting out........

Then the most amazing thing....the sensation of fingers brushing against my head, neck and back. Then a hand giving support, then two hands resting on my back, coming down to my waist, inviting movement in my hips and back. And like a tightly curled bud my limbs released and moved and opened and expanded from their tight constriction until I was once again in the flow of my dance. 

The dance facilitator then said "now leave your partner and return to your own dance"...I had not even heard that we were to go into pairs, and realised that someone had come to me as I stood in my paralysed state, daring to reach out to someone who looked so alone and cut off. I looked around and it was the friend I was on the retreat with and I felt such a rush of gratitude and love for him in that moment. If I remember nothing else from the retreat it will be the feeling of his touch waking me from a place of constriction and being closed down. 

 

I then took this into my morning meditation. Using the new method I had read about recently I imagined myself between two friends. Rather than trying to start by wishing myself well I connected with the feeling of wishing my friends well. For so many of us it can be easier to wish another well rather than ourself! But it starts to open our heart to that felt sense of wishing a being to be happy and well. 

Once this was connected to I then returned to myself. Feeling myself between these two friends who wish me well. Starting to turn this loving attention to myself. I can be so hard on myself: feeling I will only be worthy of love when I have worked on myself, sorted out this or that defect. Become a better person. But my friends love me right now. Your friends love you right now - as you are. They may see faults, after all we all have our quirks, but they are not saying "I will love you and be a friend in a years time once you have sorted out your addiction/quirk/behaviour trait" They are your friend right now because they embrace you as they find you. Opening to this in the meditation gives a chance to let go of the narrative that I will only be worthy of love in the future, and recognise that right now I am loved as I am, which is the unconditional nature of Loving Kindness. 

You may like to try this approach in your own meditation. It need only be ten minutes: five minutes of sitting imagining yourself with a friend on either side: expressing your love and care for them in your own words or using the phrases:

May you be well
May you be happy
May you be safe and free from harm
May you be free from suffering and pain
May all good things come to you.

Then when you feel ready have a sense of your friends at your side, wishing you well. See if you can feel a sense of your friends loving you as you are right now, warts and all. Starting to wish yourself well, using your own phrases or the Loving Kindness phrases, feeling them in your heart rather than thinking them:

May I be well
May I be happy
May I be safe and free from harm
May I be free from suffering and pain
May all good things come to me.

I'm looking forward to sharing and exploring this in the class over the coming weeks. 

If you would like to explore the Five Rhythms movement practice that is led by Bodhi who co-led the dance retreat I was on in Spain details are below: 

DANCE OUT LOUD - is a gay community focused group that is mixed and open to both gay and non-gay people who love to dance...

The 5 Rhythms can be seen as a dance workout, a social event or a deep spiritual practice when you get into it. People come to see this movement practice more as a meditation and a therapeutic meeting without words.   It can be fun, profound, silly, serious and playful.

Friday, 7 - 9.30pm
Venue: Central YMCA
Tube: Tottenham Court Road

Click here for more info
I've also added information on how to contact the monastery where I trained as a monk to arrange to visit for a few days. Look at the bottom of this email for details. 

To read any previous group emails click here for my blog

Peace,

Nick Kientsch

www.evolvingminds.org.uk


Community Notice Board

 
The Guide:  an online list of resources for gay men: clubs, events, groups

There is also a PDF version, which may be a bit more out of date. For a full list of sports, social  and recreational groups in London, compiled by GMFA click here  

 

No More Mr Nice Guy Info

A few people asked for more information about this after last week's email.

To buy the book click here
 
If you would like tread a free online PDF of the book click  here

There is also a Meet Up group on the last Friday of the month to meet and discuss issues that arise from the book. For details click here 
 

Nice guys are people pleasers, always putting others first rather than getting their own needs met. That’s how they’ve been conditioned in life, to seek the approval of others and survive life by being just... nice! Giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding mistakes… the list goes on. That’s being 'Nice'. It’s ultimately unfulfilling and prevents us from being the fullest version of ourselves and giving our best to others. Who should join this group? 

If you are you looking for a group of like-minded men where you can get to work on yourself and your Nice Guy-ness and have more of what you want in life, this is for you.

• Do you give in order to get?

• Do you avoid conflict and try to keep the peace?

• Do you try and get people to like you?

• Do you want to improve your relationships?

• Do you have more potential but you're just not achieving in life?

• Do you want stop people taking advantage of you?

• Do you want to bring more purpose and passion to your life?

If you are a man aged over 18 and answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, this is the group for you.


Open Connections
Sexuality Workshop for Gay/bi Men

Next meeting : 16 May 2017 - 'Non-sober' sex

Whether it's sex after a couple of drinks, a spliff, other drugs or chemsex, 'non-sober sex' can sometimes be a lot of fun, and often satisfies our transgressive urges and our fantasies to be sexual in an uninhibited way.

But things get problematic when we can only be sexual, or engage with others sexually, by being drunk or high.

The purpose of this workshop is to explore how we each relate to alcohol or drugs in our sexual lives, and what is uncomfortable about the sexual encounter that sometimes makes us prefer not being fully present.


Time: 8 - 9.30pm
Venue: Kobi Nazrul Centre, 30 Hanbury St, London E1 6QR
Cost: £20 (£10 concession)


Future meetings:
 

30 May 2017 - Sex in a relationship​

13 June 2017 - Limits and pleasure

27 June 2017 - Distance in intimacy


This is not something I am organising but I am participating in it and it gives an opportunity to have a more detailed discussion about subjects than we have time for in the class. To reserve you place please click on the link above.

Open Connection is a space where gay/bi men can experiment with connecting in more open and authentic ways. Every month we will be discussing a topic that relates generally to men (around the themes of sex/ sexuality/ physicality/ intimacy). The hope is that through personal sharing we can deepen self insight, and learn from each other's similarities and differences. 

What to expect? Expect to meet a group of interesting men in a relaxed, non-posturing setting. Most of the time at the gatherings will be allocated to a free group discussion, where everyone is encouraged to share from personal experience - there is however no pressure to share or reveal anything. Sometimes, depending on the topic we carry out some experiential exercises. 

What not to expect? This is not a debating society, and so we're staying away from discussing intellectual theories. This is also not group therapy. Although a lot of topics will evoke strong emotions, and we encourage everyone to be supportive of each other, this won't be the place to therapise, change or 'fix' any one.
Open Connections: the founder describes the purpose of the workshops
For more details click here
For more details click here

We provide personal development events and resources for gay and bi men to meet each other on a deeper level and experience a stronger sense of community.

We call our events 'adventures in intimacy' because they give you opportunities to get intimate, try out new things, make connections, step outside of your comfort zone and probably laugh harder than you have for a long time. We hope you find our events supportive, challenging, stimulating and inspiring. That’s all part of the adventure.

We welcome gay and bi men from all walks of life who want to develop their capacity to love other men. Reflecting our own diversity as a group of facilitators, we particularly encourage participation from black and ethnic minority men, HIV positive and negative men, young and older men, trans men and disabled men.

For more details click here

 

Men Get Eating Disorders Too is an award winning national charity is run by and for men with eating disorders including their carers and families.

Our website provides essential information that is specific to the unique needs of men and an online space for those affected to get their voices heard (e.g. peer support via our face to face groups and online chat sessions). We also campaign in the media and organise awareness raising events and training for professionals.

For more details click here
 
The Thrive Foundation was created to improve the mental, emotional and physical health and wellbeing of people of all ages, backgrounds, genders and races living with HIV.

For more details click here
 
 

Book Shop

 
Marrying the findings of the new field of social neuroscience together with gripping human stories, award-winning author and psychologist Susan Pinker explores the impact of face-to-face contact from cradle to grave, from city to Sardinian mountain village, from classroom to workplace, from love to marriage to divorce. Her results are enlightening and enlivening, and they challenge our assumptions.

Most of us have left the literal village behind, and don't want to give up our new technologies to go back there. But, as Pinker writes so compellingly, we need close social bonds and uninterrupted face-time with our friends and families in order to thrive - even to survive. Creating our own 'village effect' can make us happier. It can also save our lives.

To buy click here
Sane New World 

Ruby Wax - comedian, writer and mental health campaigner - shows us how our minds can jeopardize our sanity.

With her own periods of depression and now a Masters from Oxford in Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy to draw from, she explains how our busy, chattering, self-critical thoughts drive us to anxiety and stress. 

If we are to break the cycle, we need to understand how our brains work, rewire our thinking and find calm in a frenetic world.

Helping you become the master, not the slave, of your mind, here is the manual to saner living.

Click here to buy
No More Mr Nice Guy

Nice guys are people pleasers, always putting others first rather than getting their own needs met. That’s how they’ve been conditioned in life, to seek the approval of others and survive life by being just... nice! Giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding mistakes… the list goes on. That’s being 'Nice'. It’s ultimately unfulfilling and prevents us from being the fullest version of ourselves and giving our best to others. Who should join this group? 

If you are you looking for a group of like-minded men where you can get to work on yourself and your Nice Guy-ness and have more of what you want in life, this is for you.

• Do you give in order to get?

• Do you avoid conflict and try to keep the peace?

• Do you try and get people to like you?

• Do you want to improve your relationships?

• Do you have more potential but you're just not achieving in life?

• Do you want stop people taking advantage of you?

• Do you want to bring more purpose and passion to your life?


To buy the book click here
The Chimp Paradox

Do you sabotage your own happiness and success? Are you struggling to make sense of yourself? Do your emotions sometimes dictate your life?

The Chimp Paradox is an incredibly powerful mind management model that can help you become a happy, confident, healthier and more successful person. Prof Steve Peters explains the struggle that takes place within your mind and then shows how to apply this understanding to every area of your life so you can:

- Recognise how your mind is working
- Understand and manage your emotions and thoughts
- Manage yourself and become the person you would like to be

The Chimp Mind Management Model is based on scientific facts and principles, which have been simplified into a workable model for easy use. It will help you to develop yourself and give you the skills, for example, to remove anxiety, have confidence and choose your emotions. The book will do this by giving you an understanding of the way in which your mind works and how you can manage it. It will also help you to identify what is holding you back or preventing you from having a happier and more successful life. 

Each chapter explains different aspects of how you function and highlights key facts for you to understand. There are also exercises for you to work with. By undertaking these exercises you will see immediate improvements in your daily living and, over time, you will develop emotional skills and practical habits that will help you to become the person that you want to be, and live the life that you want to live.

Click here to buy
Food for the Heart

Chah offers a thorough exploration of Theravadan Buddhism in a gentle, sometimes humorous, style that makes the reader feel as though he or she is being entertained by a story. He emphasizes the path to freedom from emotional and psychological suffering and provides insight into the fact that taking ourselves seriously causes unnecessary hardship.

Click here to buy
Being Dharma

Renowned for the beauty and simplicity of his teachings, Ajahn Chah was Thailand's best-known meditation teacher. His charisma and wisdom influenced many American and European seekers, and helped shape the American Vipassana community. This collection brings together for the first time Ajahn Chah's most powerful teachings, including those on meditation, liberation from suffering, calming the mind, enlightenment and the 'living dhamma'. Most of these talks have previously only been available in limited, private editions and the publication of Food for the Heart therefore represents a momentous occasion: the hugely increased accessibility of his words and wisdom. Western teachers such as Ram Dass and Jack Kornfield have extolled Chah's teachings for years and now readers can experience them directly in this book.

Click here to buy
The Way It Is

A selection of talks by Ajahn Sumedho, an American disciple of Ajahn Chah. Simple, direct and inviting the reader to let go into a deeper experience of presence. 

Click here to buy
The Four Noble Truths

A selection of talks by Ajahn Sumedho outlining the core Buddhist teaching of suffering, its cause, the cessation of suffering and the path leading to the cessation of suffering. 

Click here to buy
A Little Gay History

How old is the oldest chat- up line between men? Who was the first ‘lesbian’? Were ancient Greek men who had sex together necessarily ‘gay’? And what did Shakespeare think about cross- dressing? 

A Little Gay History takes objects ranging from Ancient Egyptian papyri and the erotic scenes on the Roman Warren Cup to images by modern artists including David Hockney and Bhupen Khakhar to consider questions such as these. Explored are the issues behind forty artefacts from ancient times to the present, and from cultures across the world, to ask a question that concerns us all: how easily can we recognize love in history?

Click here to buy
Straight Jacket

Written by Matthew Todd, editor of Attitude, the UK's best-selling gay magazine, Straight Jacket is a revolutionary clarion call for gay men, the wider LGBT community, their friends and family. Part memoir, part ground-breaking polemic, it looks beneath the shiny facade of contemporary gay culture and asks if gay people are as happy as they could be – and if not, why not? 

In an attempt to find the answers to this and many other difficult questions, Matthew Todd explores why statistics show a disproportionate number of gay people suffer from mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, addiction, suicidal thoughts and behaviour, and why significant numbers experience difficulty in sustaining meaningful relationships. Bracingly honest, and drawing on his own experience, he breaks the silence surrounding a number of painful issues
To buy click here 
Velvet Rage

Today's gay man enjoys unprecedented, hard-won social acceptance. Despite this victory, however, serious problems still exist. Substance abuse, depression, suicide, and sex addiction among gay men are at an all-time high, causing many to ask, "Are we really better off?"

Drawing on contemporary research, psychologist Alan Downs's own struggle with shame and anger, and stories from his patients, The Velvet Rage passionately describes the stages of a gay man's journey out of shame and offers practical and inspired strategies to stop the cycle of avoidance and self-defeating behavior. Updated to reflect the effects of the many recent social, cultural, and political changes, The Velvet Rage is an empowering book that has already changed the public discourse on gay culture and helped shape the identity of an entire generation of gay men.
To buy click here 
Visiting Amaravati Monastery 
 
We occasionally have a group visit to the monastery where I lived as a monk, but you can also arrange your own visit. Details are below. To contact the monastery and enquire about visiting click here
   To contact the monastery and enquire about visiting click here
 

Drop in class (open to anyone) 6.15-7.20pm (£8/ £5 concessions)

Gay and bi men's group
 
Time: 7.30-9.30pm 
 
Fee: £10
Concessions: £5
 
Venue: Friends Meeting House, 8 Hop Gardens, off St Martins Lane. 

Look for the large glass and concrete building with Gym Box on the corner, Hop Gardens is a pedestrian lane to the side of Gym Box.
 
Map

Meets every Monday except Bank Holidays.
 
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