How Much Space Is Too Much Space in a Relationship?

There are some phrases that can send a chill down your spine when you hear them from your partner. If “We need to talk” is as bad as it gets, “I need some space” isn’t far behind. But the truth is, space isn’t a bad thing, even in a romantic relationship. It may make you feel a little panicky if your partner says that they need some breathing room, but space can be a positive force. In fact, it can be a great thing—and might actually bring you closer together.

The trick is to get the balance right. If your partner says they need space in a relationship, something has gone a little wrong—either with the partnership or in their personal life. So, whether you’ve been together for two months or 20 years, you need to take it seriously. The good news? It's an easy enough problem to fix—as long as you can balance giving them space with making sure that you don’t drift apart. If you do it right, you may find that having a little distance makes you feel more grateful for each other and, ultimately, improves your partnership.

So, how much space is too much—and how can you create just the right amount? Here’s what you need to consider, according to an expert.

What Is Personal Space in a Relationship?

Personal space in a relationship means you're taking time to put yourself first and do things that are just for you—choices that will make you feel great about yourself, putting you in a better mindset to take care of your relationship.

Why Does Your Partner Need Space?

The first thing you should do is talk to your partner about why they need space. Even if you feel defensive or strange about it, remember that it’s a totally normal, reasonable request for them to make—so make sure that you question it with genuine curiosity rather than getting defensive. It may be that they’re really stressed at work, or feel like they haven’t had enough time with their friends, or maybe they’re just feeling claustrophobic. When you understand what the root of the problem is, it will be easier to know how much space to give—and how to give it.

How Much Space Do They Want—and How Much Is Too Much?

Once you talk to your partner about why they need space, try asking them to explain how you can give that to them. If they want more time to go to the gym or pursue a hobby, that’s an easy one to negotiate—you can find out how many times a week they want to do that. If they want something more nebulous, like “more alone time,” you may need to ask them to be a little more specific about how you can help them create this space.

In general, you should do your best to make it happen—within reason. If they’re saying they want to go travel the world for six months and leave you with two kids at home, you obviously have the right to put your foot down. But in most cases, you should be able to find a compromise. If it doesn’t feel like a huge shift in your lives or something that will draw a wedge between you, it’s probably okay.

How Can You Check in While Still Giving Them Space?

So, how do you make sure you give your partner enough space without feeling like you’re drifting apart? The key is to make sure that you check in regularly. Space between you doesn't have to feel like distance—if you do it right. Tell your partner that you're sorry that they’re struggling and you want to be able to give them the space they need, but suggest that you check in every Sunday or every other week. It’s just a chance to touch base, see how things are progressing, and if your partner is feeling any better. It’s also an opportunity to air any concerns you have and talk about how it’s affecting the relationship—positively or negatively. Even if your partner needs space, you still have your own needs that should be considered, so explain that you’ll feel better if you two can stay connected that way. Communication is key.

Reasonable Questions to Ask Before the Space Period Begins

There are several reasonable "check-in" methods and parameters to set before you begin giving your partner the space they need, says Jaime Bronstein, a licensed relationship therapist and the author of MAN*ifesting. "You can start by asking how long they are requesting space for, and you can ask them to be specific about the parameters and boundaries of the space so that you are on the same page about how the space period will look," she says. "Will there be no communication, or will you communicate less frequently? It's okay to ask these important questions—and don't fear that you will bother them by asking."

How to Successfully Give Your Partner Space

Ultimately, two people shouldn't spend 24/7 together, says Bronstein—and space can be "healthy and necessary for individuals to maintain their sense of self and recharge." Here's how to successfully create space in a relationship in a way that makes room for individual growth and strengthens your bond.

Designate Specific Periods for Alone Time

Pick specific time slots for individual activities, shares Bronstein. "Having that designated 'me time' can be very beneficial, no matter how long it lasts," she says. "It allows each person to engage in self-care or explore personal interests, enriching their lives and bringing fresh energy into the relationship."

Communicate Clear Boundaries

Open communication is vital in any relationship, which is why both people should feel comfortable discussing their needs for space and what that might look like without feeling judged, adds Bronstein. "Both parties should validate what each other is saying so that they can both feel seen and heard," she explains. "Setting boundaries should be a collaborative process that respects both individuals' needs and ways of operating in the relationship."

Switch Up Your Routine

Routines can help you feel a sense of stability—but change is good. "Whether it's spending a weekend apart, taking solo trips, or simply changing the daily routine, a little unpredictability and novelty can bring back the spark and create the space each person may need," shares Bronstein. "After all, they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, which often works for many couples."

How Does "Space" Fit Into Your Relationship as a Whole?

Although most requests for space will be totally reasonable, you do need to consider your relationship as a whole. If your partner has a history of cheating, lying, or refusing to be tied down or receptive to your needs, then asking for space may actually just be a way of manipulating or gaslighting you. You know your partner. If they are normally good to you and you have a strong relationship, asking for space is probably a genuine request. But if your relationship is tumultuous or toxic, you may need to be a little more suspicious about what it means. Normally, though, it’s nothing to worry about.

If your partner says they need space, it’s easy to panic and think you’ve done something wrong—but the truth is, a little bit of space is healthy in a relationship. Sometimes we start spending too much time together or we miss our friends or we just aren’t feeling like ourselves—and space can help reset the balance. So if your partner says they need some time or some breathing room, trust their instincts and do your best to make it happen. But if you get it right, a little space and a little perspective can make your relationship stronger than ever.