I had jury duty this week, and I was totally unprepared for all the emotions it stirred up. At first I was looking forward to it, wondering if I might get the chance to sit on a criminal case along the lines of one of my family's favorite shows, Law and Order, SVU. But, last week, when I pulled up the Court's online video for prospective jurors -- complete with a shot of a courtroom, Judge, opposing lawyers, and court staff -- my gut told me I could be in for a bit of PTSD.
And I was.
Racing to get to the Courthouse, through security and into a seat in the "Juror's Lounge" by 8:30am, brought back memories of everything I had to juggle (kids to/from school, a backup babysitter, acting calm when I was anything but, finding a parking spot in an overcrowded lot, etc) during all my divorce proceedings. Just the memories were exhausting.
And, like in the distant past, I'd raced only to ... wait and wonder ... when I (known to the Court as Juror #30) might be called. Sitting in the Juror's Lounge I flashed back to all the times I'd endlessly waited at Court, wondering if my life would be turned upside down after the court hearing and the Judge's decision, not to mention the legal bill.
When divorce is a possibility, so is court. Sometimes it's a threat, other times couples agree it's to be avoided at all costs, and sadly, for 5% of all divorces, it becomes a dreaded reality.
Going to Court is traumatic. The setting is somber, you are powerless over the schedule, you can be bullied by your spouse's attorney, you're an alien in the world of legal rules and proceedings, and you must stuff down your emotions and rely upon your attorney to strategically defend you. You can't simply stand up and defend yourself, correct inaccuracies, or talk about how you've been wounded. Scribbling notes to your attorney is about as good as it gets.
Although the case is about you, your situation and your spouse, given the rules of the Court you might as well be an invisible onlooker,except when you are called to the witness stand. And, if that happens, you can't fill the Court in on everything you want to say. You are restricted to answering specific questions, and the less said the better so you don't incriminate yourself.
As an "arm of the Court" it's your attorney's job to keep you in line emotionally, which makes you feel a bit betrayed by the very person you've spilled your guts to and are paying precious dollars to advocate, and fight, for you in Court. You are expected to appear as a somber, unaffected blank slate -- while dirt is dug and thrown at you as your spouse's attorney tries to undermine (and crack) your efforts at "blank slate" .
It's a heroic task. Our brains are wired for fight or flight, and you can do neither as you watch strangers trying to make order out of the chaos that is family life and human nature. Feelings and emotions don't easily fit into the time restricted court box of logic, law and order. Even the healthiest families are messy,
And if that isn't enough to convince you going to Court is risky business, consider this. Even if you (through your attorney) present all the evidence needed to prove your case, the Judge may rule otherwise and you'll leave court crushed as your life is yet again turned upside down in the name of justice.
So, what do you do? Judges say it, attorneys say it, and mediators live it: There are better ways to get unmarried. Hope you can use them.
If you couldn't, or can't, please share your story so together we can change things for others .... many will thank you.