The significance of this in how it relates to the acts of horror one group of humans has committed on another throughout history is significant. And it points to how important it is to break down the boxes we put ourselves in, and to notice the sense of security we get from identifying with a group and then disdaining our 'enemy' group. It may be we identify as being liberal, and then any one who is not liberal like me is seen as uncouth. Or it may be we are gay and see some section of society as 'not us' the Christians, or right wing or whomever it may be....Whoever it is that is in our out group, we can start to notice a tendency to make them not us, and less worthy of compassion and empathy. 

I saw this in relation to my step father when I was in my early 20's. I had learnt the Loving Kindness practice and was doing the version where one sends loving kindness to an enemy. I chose my step-father as I hated him. Over time I realised that I was holding onto the very energy I said I hated in him: intolerance, lack of compassion and the dehumanising of another so that for them to suffer seemed fine. I did used to hope he would die. When I saw the depths of the hatred that was my own - directed at someone for not being liberal and tolerant in the way I was, I realised that for all that I disagreed with his views on politics, race and sexuality I was no better than him in allowing myself to feel this hatred. This was the start of a process of letting go of being right and allowing him to be another human being, flawed perhaps, but human. Over time I was able to come to a more compassionate feeling for him, and his attitude to me changed. To the point that he funded the setting up of the meditation group for gay men! 

The video at the top of this email is a powerful reminder that although it is convenient to place ourselves in a box in order to have a sense of who we are, that does not mean we are necessarily different to people in other boxes. Look carefully and we may start to find what connects us rather than what divides. People working with communities who live divided by ethnic or religious animosities know that the best way to heal these divides is to bring ordinary people together: once mothers start talking about their worries for their children they are just mothers - not members of a religion or race. When men share their concerns about keeping their family safe they are just men and fathers, not enemies belonging to a competing religion or race. It was for this reason Allied soldiers were forbidden on pain of death to ever play football again with the enemy after the famous Christmas game in the First World War. The Generals knew that once the men recognised each other as fellow humans they would refuse to fight. 

Relating this back to the partial decriminalisation of homosexuality in 1967 it was the 1961 film 'Victim', that helped to brig about the shift, or reflected a shift that was happening. It showed how a solicitor became the victim of blackmail simply because of his sexuality and it spoke to a changing public mood where the non-gay general public were starting to empathise with gay men rather than see them as other and deserving of punishment. In my own life time I have seen this shift continue, to the point that marriage was seen as an obvious next step in equality. It seems a little ironic that in our own gay world we can then step into our own boxes and make others 'not us' - the dating apps where people list who is excluded from their preference. In part this is an acknowledgement of types and modes of attraction, but by reducing a whole ethnic group or people with certain ways of behaving to a type might we be missing the ability to see them just as humans who share our interest in same sex love, and perhaps there are some in that group we could connect with if we allowed ourself to?


Putting what we don't like about ourselves in a box

Finally, how do we put ourselves in a box? What part of ourselves are in other boxes that we don't want to acknowledge? How do we start to talk to these parts of ourself we may feel are other and not who we want to be? As I was dancing this Friday at Five Rhythms I became present to a memory, my first memory, of being a child in my cot looking across the dark room at a shadow in the bed - my mother. Suddenly as I danced I felt the longing for contact, the fear of reaching out or disturbing others, the heaviness in my chest of longing for connection but not knowing how to get it. I danced with this and noticed how often this is my feeling in the dance - of wanting to connect with another man on the dance floor but feeling unable to.

Then I decided that rather than stay with this story I would step into the unknown and I stepped towards someone I wanted to dance with and engaged, and we had the most amazing dance together. At the end I felt so connected to myself after the connection to another and the energy work between us as we stood in stillness, it was then fine to stand alone rather than embrace or hug - I could still feel the connection with him from my heart and I felt warm and content and whole.

In my loving kindness practice recently I have had an image of being in a cot with blankets around me. It feels comforting, but there is also this memory of feeling so alone. It is easy for me to want to put the lonely boy away in a box where I do not have to see or speak to him, but by bringing him into awareness there is suddenly a possibility for holding him with compassion, whilst not having to continue to live the story of not being able not connect.

It is often said that the people who most annoy us carry something of our shadow: look inside and we will see what we have denied and repressed that their behaviour reminds us of. Whenever this happens it provides an invitation to step out of the box of being me in my good persona and opening to whatever it is I have cut off from or denied and bring it into communication. What is in our shadow is not necessarily bad, but what we cut off from in order to be good or loved. Perhaps we learnt that to be self confident got us told off for being cocky, so we put away the self-confidence and became a bit more demure. Now seeing anyone who believes in themselves brings up a feeling of anger at them for being conceited, but really a part of us wishes we could allow ourselves once more to feel this way too!

In my Loving Kindness practice I am sitting with the sense of the lonely child, the feeling of not knowing what to do to connect or reach out. Not to fix it, but simply to hold it and wish that part of myself well. As a teenager the boy at school I most disliked was the nerdy, socially awkward, shy and unpopular boy. He so wanted to be friends with me and I did everything to push him away! It was like pushing away everything I did not like about myself. Now there is a chance to say to that energy "it's ok, I hold you".

See what comes to you to be held. The person who annoys you - what is it about them and is there anything there you have disowned in yourself? In your daily life what patterns do you find yourself stuck in and what does that say about what story you are living or what needs to be heard. In the Loving Kindness practice open your heart to yourself, and be open to that which is difficult to feel, but hold it from a place of kindness, knowing you are fine to feel whatever you are feeling. 

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