Daily Self-Negations

Image may contain Human Person Eating and Food
Photograph by Camera Press / Alamy

How could you forget the year that Michael Jackson died?

Your arms are too long for this outfit.

You should have just admitted that you stole that line from “The West Wing.”

Remember when you farted in yoga class?

Now Aisle 4 is moving faster. You should have chosen Aisle 4, you unlucky, incompetent protohuman.

Why didn’t you just take another Benadryl?

That text message makes it sound like you are mid-orgasm.

It’s your own fault for thinking that you remembered how to ice-skate.

You used the same hospital-gown anecdote the last time you spoke to this nurse.

You eat yogurt too sexually.

Of course you’re going to be constipated, if you keep thinking about it!

Next time, unless you’re a hundred-per-cent sure, do not attempt to pronounce a French word.

Why would you tell your boyfriend’s dad that you have no interest in the Steve Jobs movie?

You ordered extra shrimp. And now you get what you deserve.

You listen to too many podcasts.

I don’t even know what to do with you. You know you don’t look good in turtlenecks.

What were you trying to prove when you inaccurately claimed that you’d bought “beef bacon”?

Your cartilage piercing fools no one.

How could you walk five blocks without realizing that you’d left the house in slippers?

Next time, just admit that you don’t remember someone, instead of committing to dinner.

You aren’t even mindful enough to concentrate on a five-point listicle about mindfulness.

The girl at the vintage store didn’t want to buy any of your old clothes because she thought you were basic.

You should try to make friends who are less than twenty-five years older than you.

You set your alarm to P.M. again. And you think you might make a good parent?

If you didn’t want to learn to parasail, why didn’t you just say so?

The cab driver is listening to the conversation that you and your friends are having in the back seat, and he’s thinking, This is what’s wrong with the world.

You should have just acknowledged that you don’t really know what cognitive dissonance is.

Remember when you wore a fedora?

You were asking for it, from the moment you agreed to “shabby chic.”

If you were more confident, you wouldn’t need to drink so much coffee.

Why did you buy nipple tape, if you weren’t going to carry it with you in case of emergencies?

You were the one who wanted goat cheese.

O.K., you need to stop second-guessing yourself.

The host could tell that the wine you brought was a regift, and he and his partner now probably refer to you as Warm Prosecco.

Again with the self-criticism! Seriously, stop.

Remember when you agreed to tutor the son of a family friend in chemistry, and then you spent the entire hour reading his chemistry textbook, desperately trying to remember anything about the subject?

YOU’RE DOING IT AGAIN.

Why the fuck would you take the R train?!

DO YOU HAVE ANY SELF-CONTROL AT ALL? JUST STOP IT.

Look, this is why you seem awkward: you’re always thinking these negative things. You’re actually not that awkward.

The daily negations have been at fault this entire time—not you!

It’s the daily negations—they’re why others likely perceive you as a weird interloper who once made the office pantry smell terrible by melting cheese in the microwave!

The Trump Presidency is your fault.