Off The Mark

Note: This is a blatant knock-off of Deadspin’s “The Hater’s Guide to the _____” series. Their most recent post is located here.

It’s official, the Twins have been eliminated from the playoffs once again by the New York Yankees. I swear, just once it would be nice to play someone like the Los Angeles Angels or the Oakland Athletics or the Boston Red Sox, so instead of losing to Bryce Harper’s favorite baseball team (Warning! Harper will join Yankees within the next 3-7 years, just like every other uber-talent in the major leagues), the Twins could lose to a team that at least gives us false hope that we can win the series.

Now on to the hating!

— As I said above, Bryce Harper will join the Yankees once he realizes that he can force a trade out of Washington, D.C., which will only continue the trend of Yankee fans believing that they’re entitled to every superstar in the business. At least they won’t ever get their hands on Joe Mauer until he’s relegated to DH duty.

— New York. When you say it fast, you don’t think anything of it, but when you slow it down and stare at it for a few seconds… New. York. York. New. York. York. New. New.

New.

York.

They’re named after some York in England. New York does not support our independence from Great Britain! Don’t let the Yankee name fool you!

— If you remember when I went to Chicago to see the White Sox and Twins, I tweeted something to the effect of “U.S. Cellular Field is a delightful mixture of gray and black. No wonder it’s nickname is ‘The Cell.'” Well, Yankee Stadium isn’t much different, as it’s a combination of gray and blue. Not a fun blue, like sky blue or navy blue, but a blue that symbolizes depression.

— By the way, did you know that New Yankee Stadium is illegal? For those of you that hate clicking links, here’s all you need to know. Although Rule 1.04 of the MLB official rulebook does say this…

The distance from home base to the nearest fence, stand or other obstruction on fair territory shall be 250 feet or more. A distance of 320 feet or more along the foul lines, and 400 feet or more to center field is preferable.

… there was an amendment made to Rule 1.04:

(a) Any Playing Field constructed by a professional club after June 1, 1958, shall provide a minimum distance of 325 feet from home base to the nearest fence, stand or other obstruction on the right and left field foul lines, and a minimum distance of 400 feet to the center field fence.

New Yankee Stadium measures 318 feet to left field, 408 feet to center field, and 314 feet to right field, and was finished in 2009. Clearly, left field and right field are in direct violation of this amendment. When Michael Haas at Alright Hamilton! attempted to file a complaint to MLB about this issue, he received this response:

Dear Customer,

Thank you for your email, as we have received your inquiry and will respond as soon as possible.

We appreciate your patience as we work to ensure that each inquiry receives the detailed response that it deserves.

Thank you again for taking the time to write!

Regards,
Fan Feed Back Customer Support

Maybe I should contact Deadspin about this… they’re certainly having fun with the BRETTFAVREBRETTFAVREBRETTFAVRE drama.

— After claiming that they were the underdogs in the series, now this little thing has turned up.

In other words, the Yankees (or Yankee fans, or the New York Post) is laughing at Mark Teixeira for suggesting that they were the underdogs in this series. Therefore, even the people in Yankee Nation don’t like each other.

Note: Off The Mark does not endorse Georgi Premium Vodka. Off The Mark would never endorse anything that reverses letters in its title, and is too inexperienced to even know the differences between brands of vodka.

— Mr. Teixeira, you committed one error by letting your wife decide where you should play. Leigh Teixeira committed her own error by telling YES Network’s Kim Jones that the decision was “a roller coaster” and “harder than we thought it would be,” but then says that the decision “wasn’t that hard.” Here’s my dramatic recreation of a similar story, which may or may not be a true story:

Abby (my girlfriend): How’d it go with tying your shoes?

Me: Well, it was a roller coaster. I had just started when I realized that there was a knot in one shoelace, so it became harder than I thought it would be, but then once I figured out that it was just a very loose overhand knot, it wasn’t that hard to get them tied.

Abby: Well, I’m very happy that you can tie your shoes.

Me: I’m also very happy that I can tie my shoes.

*Abby and I give dumb smiles to the camera*

Also, how the hell can a name like Teixeira be pronounced as “Teh-share-uh”? (I’m looking at you too, Kanekoa Texeira, in which you are inexplicably missing an ‘i’ from your name).

— Dear Dove Men+Care,

I see you have three Journey to Comfort ads out involving Albert Pujols, Andy Pettitte, and Joe Girardi. It has come to my attention that two of these men – namely Pettitte and Girardi – play for the same team, the New York Yankees. Considering that there is a conspiracy theory that the media exudes an East Coast bias, your product is not helping by including Mr. Pettitte and Mr. Girardi. I feel that it would be in your best interest to remove their commercials from the air and replace them with MLB athletes and/or coaches that have a more diverse geographical location. My suggestions include, but are not limited to:

Josh Hamilton

Joey Votto

Ichiro Suzuki

Joe Mauer

Prince Fielder

Joe Maddon

Someone that bats righthanded

Adrian Gonzalez

Chase Utley

Fernando Perez

I hope you consider my proposition. Thank you for your time.

Andrew Bryz-Gornia

— Since we’re on the topic of commercials, how did DirecTV convince Girardi to pronounce Jorge Posada’s first name as “Georgie,” and why did Girardi agree?

— Here’s my idea of what Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly were thinking when they first met each other…

Minka Kelly: Oh my god, it’s Derek Jeter of the New York Yankees! Is he available?

Derek Jeter: Holy $@%*, she’s hot!

*friend whispers to Jeter that this woman is on Friday Night Lights*

Jeter: She’s also famous? Double whammy!

… aaaaaaand here’s Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson.

A-Rod: Yeah, I play for the Yankees. I’m awesome. I’ve got my body on a centaur.

Kate Hudson: Oooo, you’re so confident! I never liked baseball before, but now I’m a Yankee fan for life!

This makes me vomit….even more than linking to Us Magazine.

— The fact that the Yankees consistently go over the luxury tax threshold annoys me even more than the fact that I just linked to Us Magazine. This relates to the “We’re entitled to whoever we want” point I mentioned eons ago. It’s clear that the Yankees don’t give a crap that they owe MLB $20 million every year. I would like you to know that I would give a crap if I owed someone $20 million every year. Hell, I’d care if I had to give someone just $20 every year.

— Did I mention that Yankee Stadium is illegal? (Why did I link to Us Magazine?)

— I have never been in New York City, and I have to think that I would like to keep it that way. If I ever do, though, I shall wear Twins gear everywhere, and if someone complains to me, I’ll just respond with, “Yeah, well you’ve got 4 million people around the country that wear Yankees gear in cities that are not New York City. Deal with it!” and then I’ll walk away smugly as they shout their retorts at me.

— The Yankees clearly put something into the Twins’ Gatorade jug, because there’s no way a team could look so terrible after winning 90+ games. How can you root for a team that would do something so evil, rather than juicing baseballs or corking bats?

— The Yankees corrupt the minds of the youth by convincing them to root for their team, even if their home is 1000 miles away from Yankee Stadium. The Twins would never do something so nefarious, and that is one of the many reasons why I will always believe that the Twins are better than the Yanks.

This entry was posted on October 9, 2010 at 11:09 pm and is filed under Andrew Posts, Commentary & Analysis, Etc., Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.